


The Definition of Want

by audreyii_fic



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Angst, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Loss of Virginity, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-02
Updated: 2012-06-01
Packaged: 2017-11-06 13:57:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 56,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/419662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/audreyii_fic/pseuds/audreyii_fic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You know how Edward offered to let Bella and Jacob make puppies? And we all secretly wondered how that would go? Yeah. It's one of those. Set post-Eclipse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Wherein Jacob is NOT bitter, thank you very much, and Edward has a proposition.

  
banner courtesy of [](http://boredess.livejournal.com/profile)[**boredess**](http://boredess.livejournal.com/)    
  
  
banner courtesy of [](http://leithalia.livejournal.com/profile)[**leithalia**](http://leithalia.livejournal.com/)

 

**_The Definition of Want_**

 

**_  
_**

_**want** [wont, wawnt]_

  * –verb (used with object)  
to feel a need or a desire for; wish for  
to wish, need, crave, demand, or desire notified  
to be without or be deficient into fall short by (a specified amount)  
to require or need
  * –verb (used without object)  
to feel inclined; wish; like  
to be deficient by the absence of some part of thing  
to have need (usually fol. by for)  
to be in a state of destitution, need, or poverty  
to be lacking or absent, as a part or thing necessary to completeness



 

 

_"I don't care about anything but keeping her alive," [Edward] said, suddenly focused now. "If it's a child she wants, she can have it. She can have half a dozen babies. Anything she wants." He paused for one beat. "She can have puppies, if that's what it takes."_

_What was he saying? That Bella should, what? Have a baby? With me? What? How? Was he giving her up? Or did he think she wouldn't mind being shared?_

_"Whichever. Whatever keeps her alive."_

_I couldn't think about what he was suggesting. It was too much. Impossible. Wrong. Sick. Borrowing Bella for the weekends and then returning her Monday morning like a rental movie? So messed up._

_So tempting._

_**-Breaking Dawn, Chapter 9: "Sure as Hell Didn't See That One Coming"**_

 

 

**_  
_**

_[i'm throwing oranges in an apple cart / the ties that bind are tearing me apart](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NEfpoUuKFOY) _  
_Cowboy Mouth, "Jenny Says"_

 

  
  
The phone rang at 8:17, _just_ as I was sitting down at the kitchen table and starting a pepperoni-sausage-ham pizza. (Gotta have protein to keep the wolf running, right?) I swallowed my first bite and grabbed the receiver off the hook. "Hello?"  
  
  
"Hello, Jacob. It's Edward."  
  
  
I instantly slammed the phone back into its cradle.  
  
  
Childish, maybe, but I didn't want to talk to them. To _any_ of them. I'd said all the right things when she'd come to see me while I was injured -- even mostly meant them, under the nice numbing haze of an insane quantity of morphine -- but then the wedding invitation hit me like an anvil. Bella was _gone_ , she wasn't coming back, she was going to be hard and cold and smell awful, and even after running for a week straight the pain hadn't subsided. It had only hardened into something solid and sick inside me.  
  
  
So they could all go to hell, as far as I was concerned.  
  
  
The phone started ringing again.  
  
  
I picked up, going back for more, like the idiot that I was. "What do you want?"  
  
  
"We need to speak," replied cultured tones.  
  
  
"We _really_ don't," I snapped, and slammed the phone down a second time.  
  
  
Couldn't they just leave me alone to eat my pizza in peace? Couldn't I at _least_ have that?  
  
  
More ringing. I ignored it, ignored it, ignored it... picked up. Goddammit. "Can't you take a hint, bloodsucker?"  
  
  
There was a sigh from the other end of the line, a condescending _I can't believe I have to deal with this child_ sigh. Douchebag. Sparkly, smelly douchebag. "I would like to talk to you about Bella. In person."  
  
  
One of these days my heart would stop leaping at her name. At least, I hoped so, or I couldn't see how I would make it through the rest of my life. I intended to say _Well, that's your problem,_ but what came out of my mouth was, "Is she all right?"  
  
  
"Yes and no. Will you come speak to me beyond the treaty line?" A pause, then, "Please."  
  
  
 _Please_. Part of me was thrilled that he'd had to ask nicely -- but the rest was disgusted that he _could_ when I knew I couldn't. I'd cut out my own tongue before I said _please_ to that bastard. Maybe that made him the bigger man. At least I was taller. "Fine." I smirked. "Why don't we meet at the diner in town?"  
  
  
"...excuse me?"  
  
  
"You're interrupting my dinner, so I'll need some food. And you're paying."  
  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
  
Almost no else was in the diner at nine o'clock on a Tuesday. I ordered the most expensive steak on the menu. (Two of them, as a matter of fact.) The leech sat across the table from me as I ate, his whole body unnaturally still, as I tried not to let his stink affect the taste of the ribeye and mostly failed. "So," I said, mouth full. I hoped he missed eating real food. I wondered if _she_ would. "You want to tell me what the hell this is about?"  
  
  
"It's about Bella," he replied.  
  
  
"You said that on the phone. Can you give me a _little_ more info than that? _I_ don't read minds." _You bloodsucking asshole_ , I thought for good measure.  
  
  
Cullen didn't give me the satisfaction of so much as a twitch. "It's about what is best for her."  
  
  
"I thought we'd all established that what's _best_ for Bella doesn't matter very much." _Since we all know that would be **me**_ , I thought in his direction again. _Being as **I** wouldn't kill her._  
  
  
I thought I saw a muscle in Cullen's jaw harden. Good. "That is relevant to what I want to talk about."  
  
  
"Which is?" I prompted, cutting another piece of steak, wishing that the knife wouldn't simply snap off at the handle if I lunged across the table and stabbed him in the chest. "Can you just get to the fucking point?"  
  
  
He sighed, even though he didn't have to, given that he didn't _breathe._ "We've discussed how Bella wants to... turn."  
  
  
I gritted my teeth to hold back a growl from the wolf inside. "I seem to recall something like that, yeah." As though I hadn't been seeing her as a marble statue in my nightmares for weeks.  
  
  
"The thing is..." Cullen pretend-sighed again. It was getting on my nerves. "It's becoming clearer and clearer to me that that isn't want she wants."  
  
  
My stupid, traitorous, self-destructive heart skipped a beat. "Could've fooled me," I muttered, trying to force those little tendrils of hope back into some deep, dark corner of my mind. Bella'd been pretty damn clear the last time we'd talked. She loved me, but not enough. Not enough to leave Cullen. Not enough to stay alive. Not enough. Never enough. She had _no choice_.  
  
  
Not that I was bitter.  
  
  
"She _thinks_ she does," Cullen admitted. "But we were with Alice yesterday, looking at wedding cakes--"  
  
  
\--I imagined her wiping a smudge of icing from her cheek while she wore a white dress, as white as her skin would be soon after, and my stomach lurched--  
  
  
"--and a woman passed by, holding an infant. Bella became... distracted. Then Alice saw--" Cullen cut off abruptly and shook his head, like he was trying to get water out of his ears. "Bella has not thought through all the implications of the decision she is making."  
  
  
I snorted. "Well, we agree on _that_." I took another bite of steak, trying for nonchalance. "So what does this have to do with me, exactly? If she wants to kill herself for you, that's _her_ choice." Bella, _my_ Bells, her heart stopped, faking her sighs...  
  
  
"She is _not_ yours," Cullen snapped, showing a trace of temper for the first time.  
  
  
 _She would have been if you'd just stayed gone._  
  
  
I didn't think that one on purpose. That thought was raw and _mine_. I focused, trying to reign myself in as I did with the pack, making an effort to quiet my mind. Maybe I needed to take up meditation or something. Goddamn, was there _ever_ a moment that someone wasn't listening in? Could I not have thirty seconds of peace and quiet? Couldn't I have _anything_ that belonged to me and no one else?  
  
  
Cullen closed his eyes. "Believe it or not, I am aware..." Then he shook his head again. "I want Bella to be happy. I want her to have whatever will make her happy, do you understand? She wants to be like me, and perhaps that _will_ bring her some fulfillment, but her soul... If nothing else, the less she has to sacrifice, the better..."  
  
  
"You mean like breathing?" I bit out, feeling a shudder run through my body. "And eating? And sleeping? And sunlight?" I remembered the times she would turn her face to the sky as we walked along First Beach, closing her eyes... "Have you ever _seen_ her in the sun, Cullen? Do you know how much she'll _miss_ it?"  
  
  
Calm. I needed to be calm. The diner was quiet at this hour, but still, the few people here would probably notice if a gigantic wolf appeared by a back table and sank its teeth into one of the patrons.  
  
  
"I know." Cullen's melodic voice was sad. "I _do_ know. I want Bella to have the sun. If I had my way, she wouldn't change. She doesn't believe I could love her if she grows old, but none of that matters to me. I would love her for her entire life, until the day she died and beyond. If she could be convinced to stay human--"  
  
  
"You think I haven't tried?" I snapped. I'd done nothing _but_ try. I'd tried _everything_.  
  
  
"Not everything," Cullen responded to my unspoken words.  
  
 _  
Get out of my head_ , I thought sharply.  
  
  
"I am making an effort to do so," he replied, the corner of his mouth turning up, "but you're very noisy, Jacob."  
  
  
"Fuck you." _No, really, fuck you. You and your sparkliness and your goddamn mind-reading. One day someone will figure out what you are, and there will be a mob with pitchforks and torches tearing you apart and I hope to God I'm there to see it --_ the shivers ran up and down my spine again, the animal in my chest longing to rip and tear -- _you_ _ruined my life, you bastard! I wouldn't be a wolf if it wasn't for you! Bella would be happy if it wasn't for you! I hate you! You ruined **everything!**_  
  
  
He remained perfectly calm. "Are you finished?"  
  
  
I took a deep breath. "For now," I said, stabbing viciously at the ribeye.  
  
  
"Good." Cullen would always be cold, and I would always be hot. That was the way our tempers worked... along with everything else. "I have a proposition," he said, like we were talking about a business deal.  
  
  
"Do you."  
  
  
"Yes," he said. "I think Bella should have a child."  
  
  
I promptly choked on a piece of steak.  
  
  
Faster than he had any right to move (and faster than he ought to be moving in public), Cullen was behind me, whacking that marble-hard fist between my shoulder blades. "Cough, Jacob," he said, the faintest tint of amusement in his voice. I hacked obligingly until my throat unstuck, then spat the meat onto the table.  
  
  
Cullen patted my back. "Better?" Eyes watering, I nodded. In an instant he was back in his seat, pushing his untouched soda across the table. "Drink," he ordered.  
  
  
I did. Asshole.  
  
  
"Now," he continued, taking shameless advantage of my temporary silence, "as I was saying, I've given this a great deal of thought, and I believe a child would solve the problem. Bella would be hurt if she lost her chance to become a mother; I could tell from the way she looked at that infant in the bakery. It would no longer be possible if she turned. If she were to have a baby _first_ , however, it would give me time -- a few years at least -- to convince her that immortality isn't what she truly wants, and that I will love her regardless. She will change her mind, I'm certain. But even if she doesn't, she will at least get to experience motherhood, unlike many of our kind."  
  
  
My mouth opened, but no sound came out.  
  
  
"The difficulty," he went on, "is that it would be unwise for _me_ to provide for Bella in this regard. In all likelihood the biological incompatibility would be disastrous. It's not worth the risk. The alternative, then, is for _you_ to be the father." His mouth turned down slightly at this. "At least, according to Alice. She has seen it. Personally I think a sperm donor makes more sense, but she says she's quite certain if Bella were to have biological children, it would be with you. And I must admit," he actively frowned now, "Bella is more likely to agree to this if you're involved. So I am willing to set aside my... reservations. I'll allow anything that makes her happy, even if that's having puppies with you."  
  
  
He folded his hands, waiting for my reaction.  
  
  
Silence.  
  
  
More silence.  
  
  
The final piece of the puzzle fell into place. "You," I said, stunned, "are insane."  
  
  
"I assure you I am not."  
  
  
My brain tried to wrap around this new information. "No, really, you _are_. Here I've been thinking you're a run-of-the-mill bloodsucking douchebag, but it's not just that. You are one hundred percent _batshit crazy_." I couldn't believe I'd never seen it before. I was genuinely awed. "Jesus, do they have therapists for you leeches? Anti-psychotics? Because you need _help_."  
  
  
"Believe whatever you want," Cullen said evenly. "It doesn't have an effect on my offer."  
  
  
"Your _offer_?!" I felt laughter, dark humorless laughter, bubbling up from somewhere in my chest. "Your offer is the _stupidest_ thing I've ever heard of. Not to mention the _sickest_." My head was shaking back and forth. "What the fuck is _wrong_ with you?!"  
  
  
"I want Bella to be happy," he said. "I want her _alive_. She doesn't know what immortality is really like, the boredom, the bloodlust held constantly at bay. I don't want that for her. _Anything_ that could prevent it, or even delay--"  
  
  
"Have you considered," I interrupted, "just, you know, _not_ _turning her_? Instead of talking her into having a _kid_?"  
  
  
Cullen's smile didn't reach his eyes. "I have. But Bella is... very determined. Very set. Sooner or later, she'll convince Carlisle to do it, or throw herself down the stairs, or push me hard enough that I'll bite her without meaning to... given enough time, she'll come up with some way to become what she wants to be. Unless she changes her mind."  
  
  
"Then just... _leave_ ," I said. God, that would solve everything. "You did it once. Just pick up and get out of town. I'll keep Bella here, I'll keep her safe from those Italians or whatever--"  
  
  
"Absolutely not." His expression instantly darkened, and he all but bared his teeth. "Your wolfpack is as dangerous as anything else out there. No, dog. Bella's safety is _my_ responsibility. She is _mine_ to protect. _Mine._ "  
  
  
We glared at each other across the table. A part of me -- the wolf part -- was screaming _The hell with the diner, the hell with the treaty, just phase and rip him to pieces and set the building on fire,_ while the saner, more rational part said _No, lure him outside first, away from everyone else, then drag him into the woods where no one will find you,_ both voices fueled by a thrumming mantra of _kill him kill him kill him kill him..._  
  
  
I didn't need to read minds to know that Cullen wanted to do the same to me.  
  
  
He regained his temper first. "Hostility isn't necessary, Jacob. Try to look at this from a rational point of view."  
  
  
 _You condescending..._ I gritted my teeth. Calm, calm, calm. "Fine. From a rational point of view, you're a lunatic."  
  
  
Cullen closed his eyes and appeared to count to ten. "What," he said, "is it that you object to, exactly?"  
  
  
"I-- I just--" I sputtered. Holy shit, this was the most _surreal_ conversation I'd ever had, and this had been one fucking surreal year. "All of it! I object to all of it! A baby as a bargaining chip? Impregnating Bella like she's livestock? What happens to the kid afterward? And what about age? Cullen, _you_ might be a hundred-and-fucking-eight, but I'm sixteen and Bella's eighteen, did that ever occur to you?"  
  
  
"Bella is an adult," he said calmly. "And of course you wouldn't be expected to leave school or provide support. You would have no obligations beyond the basic procreative aspects."  
  
  
Unbidden, my brain supplied an image of a dark-haired baby being wrapped in blankets and carried into the woods by Cullen and the rest of his 'family', never to be seen again.  
  
  
I gripped the edge of the table so hard that the wood cracked in my hands.  
  
  
Cullen raised an eyebrow and added, "Though I suppose that part could be negotiated."  
  
  
 _Negotiated_... Realization dawned on me. " _You're_ doing all the negotiating here, Cullen. What does Bella think of this?"  
  
  
He didn't respond, but he pressed his lips together for a moment. Was that a touch of guilt?  
  
  
Fucking hell. "You haven't even told her, have you? She has no idea you're here." The wood kept splintering as my fists tightened further. "Bella's got no clue that you're out offering her uterus to me. You're a goddamn pimp, you know that?"  
  
  
Cullen's yellow eyes flashed. "I wanted to see if you were amenable before I brought the subject up with her. I just want Bella to live her life, Jacob. I thought _you_ , of all people, would understand that."  
  
  
The disturbing thing was, I _did._  
  
  
The possibilities started racing through my brain, totally uncontrolled. It was deranged, and twisted, and seriously fucked up on a nearly infinite number of levels. But if it kept Bella alive... if it kept her breathing and warm... _if it bought time_... I didn't guard my mind fast enough, and Cullen saw it all. "You're right, Jacob," he said soothingly, honey dripping from his venomous mouth. "There would be a number of opportunities to convince her to leave me and be with you instead. You would have time."  
  
  
Rage ripped through my body as that manipulative fucker pulled the darkest wish out of my head and stabbed me with it. "You... are..." I couldn't think of a bad enough word, so I just let the wolf howl at him through my thoughts.  
  
  
He smiled. "Yes, I am. For Bella, I am."  
  
  
Red haze clouded my vision. I was going to phase, I _had_ to phase, or I would explode. "Don't you ever pull this shit again," I ground out between clenched teeth, standing. "If Bella wants to talk about it, she knows where to find me. But _you_ stay the fuck _out_."  
  
  
"Of course." The bloodsucker nodded at me, as though we'd just had a quiet discussion about current events over a pot of tea. "Thank you, Jacob."  
  
  
God.  
  
  
I rushed out the door, dashed across the street, barely made it to the woods before exploding into the wolf, loam flying under my claws as I ran, fury and sickness and hatred burning through every cell of my being. Trying to escape the voice in my head before anyone else could hear.  
  
  
 _If it bought time if it bought time if it bought time..._


	2. Wherein Bella apologizes a lot and Jacob doesn't think before he speaks.

_[strange what desire will make foolish people do](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-oaHHrNQVrg)  
Chris Isaak, "Wicked Game"  
_

  
  
  
The Rabbit was completely finished, but I'd been working obsessively on it anyway. I might've even been deliberately damaging a few bits of the engine, just to have an excuse to keep tinkering with it, hiding under the hood with a tool in my hand for as long as possible. Engines, you see, make _sense_. They're _logical_. They _respond_ to repairs. They don't go out of their way to break themselves all over again.  
  
  
(Did I mention how I'm not bitter? Because I'm not.)  
  
  
I heard Bella pull up long before she appeared (it sounded like the truck's muffler was starting to go, I really needed to do something about that). I resolutely kept tightening a bolt on the Rabbit and took a moment to sent up a few quick rules for myself. Just some behavioral guidelines. I could smile and talk, but I would not touch her. I would not react to her. I would keep some pathetic shred of my dignity, damn it.  
  
  
Then she was there in the doorway, pushing her hair out of her face, shifting her weight nervously. As I emerged from under the hood, she looked up at me with her brown eyes through her long lashes and gave me her shy smile. "Hi, Jake."  
  
  
Without meaning to, I strode forward and pulled her still-warm body into a hug.  
  
  
So much for guidelines.  
  
  
"Hi, Bells," I whispered, and she wrapped her arms around my neck and sighed into my chest. She felt wonderful against me and it felt good to her too, I _know_ it did. Why couldn't we just be like this all the time? It was _right._ There had never been anything so _right_ in the history of the world, so why did it have to be so damn _difficult_?  
  
  
"I've missed you," she said, breath whispering against the fabric of my shirt.  
  
  
Her words knocked me out of my thoughts and back into the clusterfuck that was reality. I pulled out of her embrace. "Well," I said coldly, taking a step back, "you can't miss me _that_ much. Wedding planning's probably a great distraction."  
  
  
Bella bit her lip. "I guess I deserve that," she said softly, looking down at the concrete floor.  
  
  
I squashed the urge to comfort her. "I guess you do." She turned white at the tone of my voice, but that only served to remind me of how much _whiter_ she would be soon. I turned away and reached back into the Rabbit's very logical engine. "Did you need something, Bella?" _You always need something._  
  
  
"I... I need..." I could hear her swallowing. "Edward told me about your talk the other night. I need to apologize."  
  
  
A snort escaped me. "You weren't even _there_ , Bells. So why do _you_ have to apologize for something _he_ did?" I really needed to record one of our conversations and play it back for her. Just so she could hear what she actually sounded like when she talked about that bloodsucker.  
  
  
"I just wanted to say I'm sorry," she insisted.  
  
  
"Yeah." Something ached in my chest. "I know. You're always sorry."  
  
  
Her breathing hitched. "Oh, Jake..." She trailed off, her voice thick.  
  
  
The anger and hostility drained away, leaving me feeling tired. I was hurting her on purpose, and even if I wanted to, I _couldn't_... I looked up from the engine and smiled at her a little. "Sorry. I didn't mean to snap. It's, uh, been a long month." _It's been a long year._ Bella gave me a hesitant smile in return, and the ache around my heart increased. I needed to stop loving her. I _had_ to. I added, "Besides, there's nothing to apologize for. The whole thing was good for a laugh."  
  
  
(Not really. I'd run for hours before I'd finally burnt the rage out of my system. But it seemed like the right thing to say.)  
  
  
Her smile became more genuine at that. "I know, right? It's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of." I cringed. Jesus, did she really have to say it like _that_? "I know Edward thinks he's doing what's best for me, but this was ridiculous."  
  
  
"Right," I said, hoping I didn't sound as hollow as I felt. "The two of us having kids, huh? Pretty dumb."  
  
  
Bella's smile disappeared. "I didn't--"  
  
  
"I know, I know. You didn't mean it that way." She never did. "It's cool, Bells, I understand."  
  
  
"I don't think you do. I'm talking about the _circumstances_ , Jake, not--"  
  
  
"I _know_ ," I said quickly, cutting off her sentence before she could finish it. If she said anything to give me hope, I would shatter into a million pieces. I might even beg, and then I'd have to go to Embry and Quil and ask them to kill me before I humiliated myself any further. "Trust me, I think it's an awful idea too, and I said so at the time. Repeatedly."  
  
  
"Of course," she said...  
  
  
...but she looked sad all the same.  
  
  
Holy shit.  
  
  
"Bella?" I said slowly. "You _have_ thought about this, right? I mean, having kids. You can't do that if you're a vampire."  
  
  
Her eyes snapped to mine, her sudden glare intense. " _Yes._ I'm not an idiot, Jake. In spite of what you think, in spite of what _Edward_ thinks, I know what I'll be losing. I'll never be a mother. My family and friends will die and I'll live on. I'll never see Phoenix again because it's too sunny. I _know_."  
  
  
"Then why are you doing it, Bella?" I did my very best to keep my voice steady, but the sob was there anyway. That was it. Embry and Quil would have to put me out of my misery, and hopefully they'd make it quick. "You're giving up everything that matters."  
  
  
She looked away and whispered, "Everything except Edward. You saw what I was like. It hurt _every second_. I _need_ him, and if I don't change, he could... I can't live without him, Jake."  
  
  
"You won't be _living_ at all," I pointed out. Not for the first time, I wondered if I could just, you know, run off with her. Get as far away from Forks as possible and lock her up somewhere until she came to her senses. (That wouldn't be kidnapping, right? It would be more like... a suicide watch.) But unlike _some_ 'people' I could mention, I didn't have three hundred years of paychecks in my bank account; I barely had enough cash to keep gas in the Rabbit, and if we ran away, we'd still have to eat. And I had responsibilities. _I_ couldn't just leave everyone behind. Even if I wanted to, Sam wouldn't let me.  
  
  
What a mess.  
  
  
Bella sat down on the work bench, idly twisting something on her finger-- oh. Of course. I sat next to her and peered at her hand. "It's ugly," I said flatly.  
  
  
The corner of her mouth quirked. "It was his mother's."  
  
  
"Doesn't mean it's not ugly."  
  
  
She laughed, and for a moment she was just Bells again. "It's pretty ostentatious, yeah. Not really my thing, but it meant so much to him that I couldn't say no."  
  
  
Of course she couldn't. I glanced at her wrist. At least she was still wearing my charm bracelet... except now there was a diamond attached next to the wolf. Figured. "Want to go swimming? You could 'accidentally' lose it in the Pacific."  
  
  
"Too cold," she grimaced. "Besides, I didn't bring a bathing suit."  
  
  
"So what? There's nothing wrong with the wet t-shirt look, Bells." She rolled her eyes at my smirk, and it was all so _easy_ , like we were still hanging out and fixing the bikes in those days before all we seemed to do was hurt each other. She'd been getting better, she'd been _happier_ , and if I'd only had more _time_ \--  
  
  
Then Bella leaned her head on my shoulder and said, "Alice told me she sees it. A baby in a crib. She says it's yours because the future is all hazy around it."  
  
  
My heart stopped.  
  
  
She continued, "Her visions are based on current paths, though. The future changes when people change their minds. It doesn't mean anything."  
  
  
"Then why bring it up?" _Other than to torture me, that is._  
  
  
Bella shrugged. "It's just... weird. That that's the path we're currently on, I mean. I don't see how that can be. It's weird, right?"  
  
  
"Very weird," I agreed.  
  
 _  
If it bought time..._  
  
  
"She didn't want to tell me, but I wouldn't let it go." Bella's head stayed on my shoulder, but she was staring off into the distance. "According to her, the only thing that varies is the number. Sometimes one in a crib, sometimes three at a kitchen table."  
  
  
I jerked and nearly fell off the bench in shock. One, well, that only takes a night, but _three_ would mean _years_ together. Three might mean she never turned, might even mean that she changed her mind, that she stayed with me. That meant it was still possible. It could still happen.  
  
  
Assuming the bloodsucker's crystal ball was working today, that is.  
  
 _  
If it bought time..._  
  
  
What the fuck was I thinking? "I don't see why you should listen to a bunch of cloudy visions that change every thirty seconds," I said, a little harsher than I intended. "The future isn't predetermined, Bella. Life is about _choices_." I felt a guilty twinge of satisfaction when she flinched.  
  
  
"I guess I deserve that one, too," she said quietly. But she didn't pull away.  
  
  
I didn't want to ask -- there was a decent chance that the answer would make the ache in my chest that much worse -- but I had to. "Bells, did you _want_ kids?" She'd never said anything about it one way or another, and frankly, it was pretty relevant.  
  
  
She was silent for a long moment, then said, "I don't know. I never really thought about it."  
  
  
It took every ounce of control I possessed not to groan aloud. "Well, you'd better think about it now, before you--" _die_ "--finalize anything."  
  
  
"That's not what I mean, Jake." She started twisting her engagement ring again, around and around on her finger. "I guess I just always... _assumed_. I figured I would go to college, get a job, get married... and yeah, have a few children, or something. That's what you're supposed to do, right? At least," she said with a trace of sarcasm, "that's what you're supposed to do when you're not surrounded by vampires and werewolves. I'm not sure what the expectations are in _this_ situation." She sounded kind of... hopeless.  
  
  
This part of Bella was depressing. "Well, that explains it."  
  
  
"Explains what?"  
  
  
"Why you suck at making choices." I couldn't help it -- I reached over and pulled her hands apart gently, took hold of the one without the ring. "You don't have a lot of experience with it. You just do what everyone expects you to."  
  
  
Bella let out a long sigh, curling her fingers around mine, rubbing her thumb against the back of my hand. I loved her _so fucking much_. "I guess I'd make a pretty bad mother, wouldn't I?"  
  
  
I blinked. "Now, that's crap."  
  
  
"Oh, come on, Jake, I'd be a terrible mom," she said. "You just said I suck at making choices -- and you're right. I decide on things but I never follow through. I'm selfish and I hurt everyone around me. Those aren't great maternal qualities."  
  
  
She had a point. "Well, yes, but... you _can_ cook."  
  
  
Bella pulled her hand out of mine and whacked me in the leg. "I guess I'll just get to the kitchen, then, and stay barefoot and pregnant."  
  
  
The image was way, way too comfortable for me. "Seriously, Bells, you would be a fantastic mother, and not just because you can make really good lasagna. You're warm. You're funny and smart and loyal." I leaned my cheek against the top of her head. "And you love _everyone_ , because that's just how you're made. You can't help it. You love people more than you should, even when you shouldn't, even when it causes problems. Your kids would be loved. They would be _so_ loved, honey. You'd be great."  
  
  
She drew a ragged breath, then turned her face into my arm, not looking at me. I felt her tears through my shirt. "You think too much of me, Jake."  
  
  
"We'll agree to disagree on that." Fuck. I wrapped my arms around her shaking shoulders and pulled her closer, rubbing circles on her back as she hiccuped. "C'mon, Bells, honey, don't cry. It's okay."  
  
  
After a few minutes, her breathing slowed and she pulled away slightly. "Sorry," she sniffled, wiping tears and snot off of her blotchy face with the back of her hand. I wanted to kiss her so badly that I could barely breathe. "It's been a long month for me, too. I'm kind of a mess."  
  
  
"Yeah," I said. "But you're a beautiful mess, if that helps. Do you want a tissue?" She nodded, so I stood up (I needed some space before I did something stupid) and glanced around the garage. "There's got to be some Kleenex in here somewhere..." In theory, anyway. _I_ never bothered with stuff like that, but Billy might've left something--  
  
  
"Maybe it's not the worst idea."  
  
  
"Of course it's not," I said, moving a few boxes aside in the cabinet. Nothing. Damn. "Your hand's not that absorptive, honey."  
  
  
"No, the... the kid thing. I mean, if _you_ think I'd be good at it, then... maybe it's not the worst idea."  
  
  
I-- could _not_ have heard that right. I turned around slowly. Bella sat on the bench, still twisting her ring over and over and over. "You've _got_ to be kidding." My expression must have been as horrified as my voice, because she looked away almost instantly. "I mean... God, Bells, you can't just..." I trailed off, unable to find words.  
  
  
"You're right. I'm sorry. Forget I said anything," she said quickly. "You wouldn't want to, I know, it's dumb--"  
  
  
"It's not that I don't want to, it's that it's _crazy_ ," I blurted out without thinking. Bella's eyes widened, and it took me a full five seconds before I realized what I'd just said. _Oh, holy fuck._  
  
  
"So..." she said uncertainly, eyebrows knit together in confusion, "you _do_ want to?"  
  
  
It hurt too much to meet her eyes, so I looked at the floor instead. My, what an interesting oil stain. "Well, it sort of factored into the whole 'loving you and wanting to spend the rest of my life with you' thing, yeah," I muttered. In between all the desire to kiss her and make love to her and go cliff-diving with her and drive off into the sunset on the bikes with her, there'd been the more mundane fantasies, too. The ones where I made coffee and she cooked pancakes on Saturdays mornings -- and yes, goddamn it, she was barefoot in the kitchen, but it was Saturday morning and she was making pancakes, was she supposed to be wearing heels and cooking in the bathroom? -- and we joked about going down to the beach because that'd be the quickest way to get the maple syrup off of everyone and a little brown-eyed girl in pajamas giggled... normal stuff. Stupid stuff. "But that's not what we're talking about here." I looked back up at Bella and reminded myself that I wasn't allowed to have normal. "You're wearing a ring on your finger and it's not mine, so that's not what we're talking about."  
  
  
Bella swallowed and looked at her hand. "Yeah. It's not."  
  
  
"Besides," I added, trying to get us out of this line of thought, "just because you're not sure you _don't_ want kids doesn't mean you _do_. And there's no reason you have to decide that right now. If you took some time to think about it, in a few years--"  
  
  
"Stop, Jake." Her face was pained. "That's not what I want and you know it."  
  
 _  
If it bought time..._  
  
  
I closed my eyes. "Yeah. I know."  
  
  
"The thing is," she said, and I could hear the sad smile in her voice, "you're the only one I'd ever want to have children with, I think."  
  
  
A noise came out of my throat as my heart managed to leap and break at the same moment. "Don't say things like that to me, Bells," I begged. It wasn't right, that one person had so much power over me, could tear me apart with what she thought were sweet words. It wasn't _fair_. "You know how I feel, you've _always_ known, so you can't just... please, don't, okay?"  
  
  
When the bloodsucker talked about this it made me sick and angry, but when _she_ said it, it made me _want_...  
  
  
"I'm sorry," Bella whispered brokenly. I opened my eyes and looked at her -- tears were streaming down her face as she stood. "You're right. I'm sorry. I should never have... Jake, I'm so sorry, I'll go, I'll leave you alone, I won't ever..." She broke off with a sob, then turned away, stumbling for the door.  
  
 _  
_Sudden panic erupted in my chest. _No. Wait. Don't leave me.  
  
  
Please don't leave me. _  
  
_  
If it bought time..._  
  
  
"I have conditions," I called out.  
  
  
She stopped dead in her tracks.  
  
  
"You stay in Forks," I said desperately, words coming fast and quick before my brain could catch up to what I was doing and shut my mouth. "You stay. I get to be involved. I get to go to, to... parent-teacher meetings and shit like that." If I just kept talking, she wouldn't leave. "It spends lots of time on the rez with me so it knows it's Quileute." _If it bought time..._ "The birth certificate says Black, not Cullen." What the hell was I _doing?!_  
  
  
Bella turned to face me, her eyes wide and still full of tears. I would _never_ be able to stop loving her, never.  
  
  
"And you don't change," I whispered.  
  
  
She shook her head slowly.  
  
 _  
If it bought time..._  
  
  
I was ready to play dirty. "Fine. But if you _do_ change," I made each word clear, "then you leave. You _all_ leave. The kid stays."  
  
  
The color drained out of her face. "You wouldn't--"  
  
  
"I _would_. No child of mine--" (oh my God I sounded like my father) "--is going to grow up while watching his mother stay frozen. How fucked up would that be, to be older than your own mom?"  
  
  
"But... maybe..." Bella said slowly, like an idea had just occurred to her, "once he or she was old enough, maybe we could turn--"  
  
  
" _No_ _!_ " I cut her off, appalled, my stomach roiling. "Jesus, Bella, is vampirism your answer for _everything?_ _No!_ " I crossed my arms and tried to project an air of authority that I didn't feel. "If you want this, fine. If you don't, that's fine too. But those are my conditions. Take it or leave it."  
  
 _  
I've lost my fucking mind._  
  
  
Bella stared at me in silence, opened her mouth, closed it. She didn't know what to say. I could sympathize. "I..." she started, then swallowed. "It's a lot to consider. I need to think."  
  
  
I nodded like I knew what I was doing, you know, at _all_. "Well, I'll be here. Waiting." _Like always._  
  
  
"Right." She bit her lip, then whispered, "I have to go," without looking at me. "Bye, Jake." She walked out and this time I didn't try to stop her. A moment later the truck revved in the yard, and she was gone.  
  
  
I shoved my fist under the hood of the Rabbit and yanked out the fan belt, just to have something to fix.


	3. Wherein Jacob utilizes hair metal, Edward is paranoid, and Bella makes a decision.

_[  
i could never pretend that i don't love you / you could never pretend that i'm your man](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xjdkc14-zwQ)  
Trampled by Turtles, "Wait So Long"_  
  
  
This time, the phone rang after breakfast, as I was washing out the cereal bowls in the sink. ( _Yes_ , I  _have_ been known to do dishes.) It was a fishing morning, meaning there was no one else to answer the phone (trout apparently bite best just after sunrise, but I suspect that's just something old men invented to get away from their families as early in the day as possible), so I had to grab the receiver with a soapy hand. "Hello?"  
  
  
"Hello, Jacob, this is Edward. Would you be so kind as to _not_ to hang up on me?"  
  
  
Undead sarcasm. Just what I needed to start my day off on the right foot. "Depends on what you have to say."  
  
  
"Bella and I would like to discuss the details of your offer."  
  
  
"Oh, right," I said casually, as though I hadn't been thinking about it _every single second_ for the last few days, expending all of my energy coming up with new methods to hide my idiocy from the Pack, wondering if was even a _name_ for the type of debilitating mental illness I was clearly suffering or if it was an entirely new form of insanity. On the advice on a manipulative century-old teenager I'd bartered the possibility of providing offspring to his fianceé in order to keep her from killing herself. 'The Isabella Complex,' the doctors would call it. They'd teach about it in medical schools for decades to come. Philosophers would debate the subject for even longer, always returning to the same crucial question: _"Why didn't Jacob Black just walk away? Was it faulty brain chemistry? Unstable ethical grounding? Or was he just a total fucking moron?"_  
  
  
All the good money was on the third explanation.  
  
  
"Jacob? Hello?"  
  
  
I blinked. "What?"  
  
  
"Will you meet us at the treaty line in an hour?" Cullen's voice said curtly.  
  
 _  
Us._ The hell with that. "I'll meet _Bella_ at the treaty line in an hour, if she wants to," I snapped. " _You_ aren't part of this discussion."  
  
  
"Whatever you might wish," said the bloodsucker coldly, "I am Bella's fiancé, and the scenario being proposed involves me as much as it involves you."  
  
  
I smirked. "I thought the whole point was that you _couldn't_ be involved, leech. Tell me, does _anything_ keep working after your heart stops? I mean, if there's no blood left to flow, can you even--"  
  
  
He cut me off. "This bickering is childish. We will be at the treaty line at ten-thirty. If you are not, we'll assume that you've withdrawn your offer."  
  
  
Then _he_ hung up on _me_.  
  
 _  
Now_ who's the childish one?  
  
 _  
I'm not going,_ I thought stubbornly, returning to the dishes. _I'm **not.**_  
  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
  
I did, of course. (Another point for _total fucking moron_.) I even got there five minutes early. _She_ was going to be there and so I naturally came running -- Pavlov's werewolf salivating at the sound of Bella.  
  
  
Watching the Volvo approach, I was able to see at least _one_ bright side in this whole mess: no matter what happened, no matter how awful things got, no matter how much I lost, my Rabbit was always going to be _way_ the fuck better under the hood than that bloodsucker's Swedish piece of shit. That counted for something.  
  
  
Said Swedish piece of shit pulled over to the side of the road and came to a stop with the tiniest tell-tale squeak of the brakes (he'd better get that fixed or Bella would wind up going right through the windshield, with her luck). Cullen was out of his seat almost before the engine was cut and practically teleported to the passenger's side, opening the door like Bella didn't know how to work a handle, offering his hand to help her out of the car.  
  
  
Bella was pale and drawn, like she hadn't slept properly in weeks -- which, between Victoria and _this_ insanity, she probably hadn't. She smiled at me anyway and my heart clenched. Goddamn it, if I could just get her _out_ of here, away from all this bullshit, she'd come to her senses, I  _knew_ she would, she'd be able to get some rest--  
  
  
\--Cullen's yellow eyes snapped to mine and narrowed threateningly.  
  
 _  
Hello to you too, leech_ , I thought. Then, for Bella's benefit, I added, "How about we actually have our conversations _out loud,_ Cullen?"  
  
  
"Keep your thoughts appropriate then, dog," he snarled.  
  
  
"I'll do my _very_ best," I said. _Risin' up, back on the street..._ "So, bloodsucker, had any good venison recently?"  
  
  
"Stop it, both of you," Bella said, glancing back and forth between us as she walked forward, still holding onto Cullen's hand. " _Please_ don't do this right now." She turned her brown eyes to me, and she looked like she was one hard knock away from total collapse.  
  
  
I nodded reluctantly. "All right. Sorry, Bells. How's it going?"  
  
  
She shrugged. "No one's tried to kill me this week, so, you know, can't complain."  
  
  
I couldn't help it -- I laughed. She bit her lip to hold back a giggle, and there was _my_ Bells, happy and whole... or as close to happy and whole as she ever got. _So many times, it happens so fast, you trade your passion for glory..._ "Well, it's only Saturday. There's still a whole weekend left. Plenty of time for a zombie horde to show up on our doorsteps."  
  
  
"That'll make Charlie happy," Bella said. "It'll be a chance to put his shotgun to good use."  
  
  
"Quil and Embry have stockpiled a bunch of majorly explosive fireworks," I offered. _Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past, you must fight just to keep them alive..._ "I sure _hope_ they're for the zombie apocalypse, because otherwise, I'm kinda worried about what Quil's planning to--"  
  
  
" _Stop it,_ " Cullen interrupted suddenly, glowering at me.  
  
  
Bella jumped and looked at him in confusion, but I just grinned. "If you don't like Rocky then stay the fuck out of my head, Cullen." The line between Bella's eyebrows deepened, so I sang (badly), "It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight--"  
  
  
She groaned. "Jake, that's going to be in my head _all day!_ "  
  
  
"Exactly _!_ " Sometimes I was just so brilliant I couldn't stand myself. "I'm sick of everyone reading my thoughts, so I tried a couple of things on the Pack and it turns out eighties music is _perfect_ for kicking out eavesdroppers. Great, huh?" _And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night..._  
  
  
"Very clever," Cullen grumbled. "Care to stop playing games? We have serious subjects to discuss."  
  
  
Bella's face fell, and she nodded to Cullen apologetically. "Right. I'm sorry."  
  
  
"I didn't mean you, love, I meant _him_." Cullen kissed her hand, but Bella's smile was already gone.   
  
  
I glared and turned up the mental dial. _And he's watching us all with the EEEEEYYYYYYYYEEEE of the tiger!_ Cullen rolled his eyes, but hell, it made _me_ feel a little better.  
  
  
"Now," Cullen started, "we've talked about your conditions, and--"  
  
  
"Excuse me." I raised my hand. "I'd just like to go on the record as saying that _you_ , Edward Cullen, have no business being part of this conversation. Anything that does or doesn't happen is between _Bella and I_."  
  
  
Cullen exhaled slowly (making a fine show of being alive) and turned to Bella. "It's entirely up to you," he murmured, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "If you don't want me here, I'll go. Would you like me to leave?"  
  
  
At the word 'leave', Bella's eyes widened. She shook her head.  
  
  
"Then I'll stay," Cullen said. He looked up at me resolutely. "As long as Bella wants me at her side, then that is where I will be."  
  
  
Sometimes, I wondered if Cullen honestly didn't _know_ how much he was dominating her. Maybe he really thought that submissive and adoring was her natural state of being. If he'd never met the _other_ Bella, the one who snorted Coke out of her nose when Jared told a dirty joke and sneezed for five minutes straight, then I almost felt sorry for him.  
  
  
Almost.  
  
  
"Fine," I said, crossing my arms and leaning back against the Rabbit. "So you're here. Great. Can Bella at least be the one who talks? Being as it's _her_ body we're discussing?"  
  
  
"It's fine, Jake," Bella said quietly. Her eyes were studying the ground. "If I have something to say, I'll say it."  
  
  
"Good, because I have a question for you." It would be so much easier to talk if Cullen wasn't here, if I could talk to _my_ Bella, if I could just get her _away_ from him for a little while-- then he tensed. Shit, dropped my Eighties Thought Guard. _Risin' up, straight to the top..._ "Bells, do you even _want_ to be here? Because it really doesn't look that way to me."  
  
  
"You don't get--" Cullen started, but Bella raised her head.  
  
  
"It's okay, Edward. I can speak for myself." She let go of the bloodsucker's hand and looked me in the eye. She looked calm and steady and _God_ I wished I believed that was what she really felt like, wished I didn't know that it was the 'I need to look strong so Edward thinks I'm good enough' paint job she slapped all over herself whenever she was around him. _Went the distance, now I'm not gonna stop..._ "I want to be here, Jake," she said. "I do. So let's talk, okay?"  
  
  
There wasn't anything I could say to that except, "Okay, Bells." My life would be _so_ much easier if I didn't love her. But I did and there was no use complaining about it.  Just a man and his will to survive. _.._  
  
  
"All right, then." Cullen stepped forward, obviously ready to take over the conversation again. "Bella has shared your conditions with me."  
  
  
"Didn't know I was contagious," I deadpanned.   
  
  
Bella pressed her lips together to hide a smile.  
  
  
"She shared your conditions with me," Cullen continued, looking peeved at what he no doubt considered to be infantile behavior, "and I think they are acceptable."  
  
  
No surprises there -- this whole insane thing was Cullen's idea, after all. "Fabulous," I said. "Really. Just great. Does _Bella_ think they're acceptable?" Not to mention, did _I_ think they were acceptable? Three days of thinking hadn't clarified anything in my head. Hell, I still couldn't believe we were really talking about this. This was a kid we were talking about, a flesh and blood _kid_ that for some bizarre reason we were considering bringing into this freakshow, a kid who would one day ask _"Daddy, where did I come from?"_  
  
 _  
"Well, son, Mommy wanted to kill herself for a bloodsucking parasite, so the bloodsucking parasite decided Mommy should have you to make her happy, and Daddy agreed because he loved Mommy very much and was willing to do anything to keep her alive. Now run along and play!"_  
  
  
Holy _God_.  
  
  
"That's what we're here to discuss," Cullen said. "Bella is willing to go along with the plan, and there's no reason not to  execute it as soon as possible." As soon as... wait, _what?_ "But we need to establish some... parameters to your requests."  
   
  
Bella stared at the pavement.  
  
  
"They're not requests," I said, trying to get my feet back under me. "They're _conditions_ , and they're non-negotiable." If someone had told me six months ago that I would be having this conversation, I would've asked what they were smoking and if they had any left to share. "The kid would be half mine, half Bella's, and none yours, Cullen. It would be with me on the rez, _inside the treaty line_ , for a lot of the time. You do anything to stop that, and I'll count it as a treaty violation, got it? I'll have the Pack at your door before you can blink."  
  
  
"I understand that," he said. "And I will respect it."  
  
  
"Bella and the kid don't leave Forks," I added. "Not for more than, you know, summer vacations and stuff like that." I glanced at Bella, who didn't look up, and found myself saying, "I'd like it if it went to the reservation schools. But that's... that's something we talk about later, I guess." What. The Fuck. Was I Doing?  
  
  
" _This_ is where things become difficult." Cullen frowned. "Sooner or later, people will start to wonder why my family and I aren't aging. We _have_ to move."  
  
  
"Well, that's your problem," I snapped. "Where _you_ go isn't important. I only care about what Bella does."  
  
  
"Bella will be my wife," he said coldly. "She will _be_ my family. So it _is_ important, whether you like it or not."  
  
  
The wolf in me bristled. "It's still _your_ problem. Live under a rock, for all I care. If we do this, Bella and the kid stay here, within easy reach of the rez and the Pack if need be. _You_ figure out the rest of it."  
  
  
Cullen stared at me for a long moment. Then he glanced down at Bella and his expression softened instantly. He nodded.  
  
  
"And again, if she turns--" I tried to catch Bella's eye, but she steadfastly refused to look up "--if _you_ turn, then you leave and the kid stays with me. And that's that. End of story."  
  
  
"That's acceptable," Cullen said.  
  
  
"I'd rather hear _Bella_ say it, if you don't mind," I growled at the bloodsucker before turning back to her. "Bella?" I said in gentler tones. "Bells, look at me."  
  
  
She looked up, and for the first time in a long time, I couldn't read her expression.  
  
  
"I'm not kidding, Bells," I said. "I'm not bluffing. This isn't some kind of con or cheap manipulation that you can work around. You can't come to me crying and thinking I'll change my mind. I won't. I'm deadly serious. If you become a vampire, you can't keep our baby, do you understand? I won't agree to that. I will _never_ agree to that. And if you run, I will find you. "  
  
  
I'd thought about this a _lot_ , and I meant every fucking word. If Bella turned it would destroy me. I wouldn't let it destroy anyone else.  
  
  
"Do you hear me, Bella?"  
  
  
She nodded, her eyes never leaving mine.  
  
  
"She agrees," Cullen said.  
  
  
"I didn't say that, Edward," Bella snapped, glaring at him. Whoa. Cullen looked stunned and I was pretty sure I did too. "Just because I _understand_ doesn't mean I'm _agreeing_ to anything. So just... give me a minute, okay?" She stumbled away from us both, crossed the road, and walked off into the forest. The underbrush hid her from sight within seconds.  
  
  
"Bella, stay close!" Cullen called as he took a short step after her, anxiety written all over his sculpted features. "It isn't safe!"  
  
  
I rolled my eyes. "For the love of God, bloodsucker, she'll be fine. We'd _both_ hear anything big enough to worry about. Don't freak."  
  
  
He looked physically pained to have her out of his sight. "There are just so many potential... a tree could fall, she could step wrong.... anything could happen to her, anything. She's just so... fragile."  
  
  
"You know," I said, "she's really _not_."  
  
  
Cullen looked at me, and within the space of a heartbeat, he was a monster again. It was amazing how much of a show he put on for the people around him -- I guess to make them more comfortable. She probably didn't even realize how _much_ he did for her, how he pretended to inhale and exhale, how he blinked, how he moved. But a vampire didn't need to fake anything for a werewolf, and suddenly he was as still as a reptilian predator waiting for prey in the marsh grasses. "Just so we understand one another," he said, "you should know that I'm only saying these things in the hopes that Bella will agree to the plan and never try to change. But if she decides five years from now that living in Switzerland will make her happy, or wants to travel the world in a sailboat, or even if she never changes her mind and _insists_ on turning -- and she wants her child with her -- then that's what she'll have. I _will_ see to it that she has whatever she needs, without consideration for you or any deal brokered."  
  
  
I smiled grimly. "Hey, if you want to start the first supernatural custody battle in history, that's your call. Bring it. I've been _waiting_ for an excuse to tear your head from your shoulders."  
  
  
Cullen bared his teeth. "Likewise."  
  
  
We both listened for a moment -- the leech probably a little more carefully than me, given that _he_ was the one with the raging paranoia issues -- and determined that nothing with a lot of teeth was in the immediate vicinity (aside from us). Bella was somewhere nearby, but it didn't sound like she was moving. Probably she was sitting on a log and thinking in a very Bella-esque way. I didn't blame her. It was a lot to think about. A lot of crazy shit to sort through, most of which made absolutely no sense.  
  
 _  
If it bought time..._  
  
  
"I don't think you'll succeed, you know," Cullen said.  
  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
  
"In your plan to use this situation to get Bella to stay with you. You are welcome to try, but I don't think you'll succeed."  
  
  
I could deny it, but there wasn't a lot of point. "It's not so much a _plan_ as a _hope_ ," I said. "If you're going to read minds, bloodsucker, at least do it accurately." I sat on the bumper of the Rabbit, glaring at the leech and his fucking Volvo. "Besides, if you'll recall, this 'situation' was _your_ idea."  
  
  
"It was," Cullen agreed. "And I still believe it's a good one."  
  
  
"Then why are you bitching about my so-called 'plan'?"  
  
  
"If Bella decides she genuinely wishes to stay with you, I would never stand in her way," Cullen said, giving me a long look. "She can have whatever she wants. But if I think you're _manipulating_ her... that's a different matter entirely."  
  
  
"You're a fine one to talk about manipulation," I countered. "You've done nothing but pull her strings since you two first met. That's probably why she collapsed like a broken marionette when you left. No one to make her dance."  
  
  
"So you think you'll step in?"  
  
  
"No," I said, "I think she can dance on her own. Even if _she_ doesn't."  
  
  
Edward opened his mouth to respond, then snapped his head to the side -- Bella was coming out of the woods. "We'll finish this later," he said.  
  
  
"You bet your ass we will."  
  
  
Bella crossed the road and stood in front of me. She was white as a sheet, but she hadn't been crying, which was a pleasant surprise. Good for her. "Edward," she said, "may I talk to Jacob alone for a moment? Please?"  
  
  
It made me sick that she _asked his permission_.  
  
  
"Of course, love," Cullen said, back to his fake breathing and fake blinking and fake humanity. He moved forward to kiss the side of Bella's face, leaving a cloying stink all over her. I managed not to wrinkle my nose in disgust. "I'll wait in the car."  
  
  
Bella waited until the Volvo's door closed before she spoke (not that it made that much difference; the bloodsucker had damn good hearing), and focused on something over my shoulder. "Jake, is this what you want?"  
  
  
I groaned. "Bells, I'm a lot more interested in hearing if this is what _you_ want."  
  
  
She smiled, still studying something in the distance. "Yeah, but I asked first."  
  
  
Damn. "I guess you did."  
  
  
This was insane. This whole thing was fucking batshit insane. My father would shit a brick. _Charlie_ would shit a brick. _Sam_ would shit a brick. We'd have to lie, say it was an accident, a one-time thing that Cullen had forgiven her for. If anyone suspected that we'd done this on _purpose_ I'd be stone dead before I could even phase to defend myself.   
  
  
Half the time the kid would be living with filthy bloodsuckers and would come to me reeking like a dead mouse wrapped in an Easter lily. God forbid, he might grow up thinking being a sparkly undead monster was _cool_ , might take after his mother and start begging for the bite before he got "too old."  
  
  
Bella wasn't going to leave her leech. She would be mine, but just a little bit, just enough to not be enough, just enough to keep me from _ever_ moving on.  
  
  
"Jacob?"  
  
  
"I'm thinking," I said truthfully.  
  
  
But Bella would be alive. _It would buy time,_ time for her to wake up, to see that living life really wasn't so bad. We would make cute kids, I knew we would, and it wouldn't be what I really wanted but it would be so _close_... Not to mention that the future-seeing leech had said there might be _three_ , not _one_. Bella might stay. There was still a chance. There was still _hope_.   
  
  
But either way, it wasn't a choice between _Now_ or _Later_. It was a choice between _Too Soon_ and _Not Ever_.  
  
  
I wasn't strong enough to face _Not Ever._  
  
  
"Jacob, if--"  
  
  
"Yes." My voice was hoarse. "Yes, this is what I want."  
  
  
Holy. _Fuck_.  
  
  
Bella swallowed. "Okay, then."  
  
  
"But what about you, Bells?" I persisted. "What do you want?" None of this mattered if this wasn't something she wanted.  
  
  
She smiled sadly, looked down, shrugged. "Edward thinks it's a good idea."  
  
  
 _Goddamn it._ "I'm not asking what _Edward_ wants," I said harshly. That bloodsucker was _always in the way_ , even in the way of a straight fucking answer. "I'm asking what _you_ want."  
  
  
"I guess... I wish I didn't have to decide," she said softly, head bowed. "But I have to, don't I?"  
  
  
Something in my throat closed up. "Yeah, honey. I'm sorry, but you do."  
  
  
She took a deep shuddering breath, then stepped forward, closing the distance between us and resting her forehead against my chest. She smelled disgusting, but I wrapped my arms around her all the same. I always would.  
  
  
"I think..." she said, her words muffled against my shirt, "I think we should try this."  
  
  
My heart stopped. "Are you sure, Bells?"  
  
  
Her laughter was a little choked. "No."  
  
  
"But if you're not sure, then--"  
  
  
"I'm close enough." She pulled away and swiped at her tears. "I mean, I  _never_ imagined anything like this, but when I think about what we could..." Bella looked up at me, and she was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen, "...I like a lot of it."  
  
  
I couldn't help it, I couldn't stop myself-- "But there could be so much _more_ to like, if you just--"  
  
  
"Don't, Jake," she said, her expression closing, becoming _his_ Bella instead of _my_ Bells again. "Don't ask me that."  
  
  
I swallowed back my words. "Right." _But I'm not giving up._  
  
  
The bloodsucker glared daggers at me through the Volvo's windshield... so I pulled out the big guns. _And the man in the back said everyone attack and it turned into a ballroom blitz! And the girl in the corner said boy I wanna warn ya, it'll turn into a ballroom blitz! Ballroom blitz!_  
  
  
Cullen winced.  
  
  
Ha. _Serves you right, motherfucker._  
  
  
If Bella noticed any of our telepathic macho posturing, she didn't comment. She did, however, glance over her shoulder at her fiance. "I have to go," she said, taking a step back, pushing her hair out of her face. "Edward thinks it's best to start this right away, so I guess... I guess I'll call you? When it's, um, time?" Her cheeks flushed pink. "It'll be, uh, a week or so... I have to, you know, do the math. And then we'll... figure something out. I guess."  
  
  
Oh. Right. _That_ part. The part that _makes_ babies. Funny, you'd think that would be first and foremost in my mind, and yet it hadn't even occurred to me until now that we'd be... wow. Okay. "Sure, sure, yeah. Call me."  
  
  
"I will." Bella's face was beet red. She actually looked sunburned. She took another few steps backwards. "Well... I'll be seeing you, Jake."  
  
  
"Yeah, I guess you will." I put on a smile I didn't feel. "Bye, Bells."  
  
  
"Bye," she mumbled. Then she all but dove into the Volvo. Cullen spared me one more death glare, then he pulled away like the forest was on fire, making a U-turn that smoked the tires before racing away from the treaty line at fairly impressive speeds for a Swedish piece of shit car. I hoped Bella got a chance to put her seat belt on.  
  
  
I stood by the side of the road alone.  
  
  
 _Total fucking moron._


	4. Wherein Leah throws rocks and plans are made.

_[but darlin' we can clearly see it's all life and fire and lunacy and excuses and excuses and excuses](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=75a_kJErQug)  
_ _Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, "Hold On to Yourself"_

 

 

 

_I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride! I'm wanted (WANT-e-e-ed) dead or alive! Wanted (WANT-e-e-ed) dead or al--_  
  
 ** _  
SHUT UP!_** Leah's voice shrieked in my head. **_SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP!_**  
  
  
I paused my run, ears twitching in Leah's direction. _What?_  
  
 _  
I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!_ The grey wolf erupted out of the underbrush and snarled viciously at me. _NO MORE BON JOVI! NO MORE BOSTON! NO MORE DEF LEPPARD! JUST **SHUT THE FUCK UP!**_  
  
  
Interestingly, when one tries to smile in wolf-form, it only comes out as a lolling tongue. My tongue lolled. _Sorry, Leah. Had the eighties station on the radio this morning._  
  
  
The grey wolf growled. _Bullshit. You've been screaming hair metal at me for the last two hours. So there's something going on in that idiot brain of yours you don't want me hearing -- fine. Okay. I get it. Whatever. I don't care if you're dressing up in a tutu and performing satanic rituals in your basement, just **stop** it with the singing, or I swear to God I'll bite your leg off._  
  
 _  
Fine. Yeesh. Calm down._ I turned tail and trotted along as Leah's thoughts faded into indistinct grumblings and obscenities. The patrols had slowed down since the battle with the newborns had ended -- and thank God for that, because now we were all actually getting some sleep -- but still, someone had to check the boundary lines daily. Jared had actually found a straggler the previous week inside our lands, a newborn who had gone completely feral, naked and sucking blood out of her own wrist in an endless cycle. She couldn't even speak. Jared had called it a 'mercy killing' and after seeing the images in his head, no one could argue.  
  
  
So patrols were still important. But Sam only called for two wolves together at a time now, and I'd pulled the short stick that day and got stuck with Leah.  
  
 _  
Thanks, asshat. I love you too._  
  
 _  
It was the HEEEEEEAT of the MOOOOment! Tellin' me wha--_  
  
 _  
SHUT **UP!**_  
  
  
My tongue lolled again.  
  
  
Everything along the boundaries looked and smelled fine so far. No aroma of cloying death, no signs of anything to worry about. The day was impressively bright, with the sun shining down between the leaves and raising steam from the forest floor. The kind of day that Bella would--  
  
 _  
Don't think about Bella.  
_ _  
_  
Behind me, Leah snorted. _God, not the leech-lover again. I'd rather listen to eighties than hear your emo crap. You got any Blue Oyster Cult in there? How about "The Reaper"? **That's** appropriate._  
  
  
 _Drop it._ Bella's name was verboten in the Pack mind these days, as much for everyone else's sanity as mine. It's not fun when fifteen other people can hear your heartbreak. And thank God they were leaving it be, because even hearing Bella's name made me instantly start thinking about... _Stop it._  
  
  
But somehow the rules of common courtesy didn't apply to Leah.  
  
  
 _Like it's **my** fault you're spewing angst all over the place. __You'd be obsessing whether I said anything or not. You **want** to wallow._  
  
  
 _"Is this what you want?"_ The memory rose for a quarter of a second before I shoved it away roughly. _Don't._  
  
  
 _Huh?_ Leah's confusion rolled from her mind to mine. I don't want anything.  
  
  
 _Never mind._ Goddammit, this was why I kept eighties music in my head for a week straight, if I stopped for a _second_ I started to focus on it-- mind shield, mind shield, mind shield. _And when your looks are gone and you're alone, how many nights you sit beside the phone..._  
  
 _  
C'mon, at least not Asia,_ Leah thought, trotting past me to sniff at something in the leaves. _If you **have** to be the Pack iPod, try to come up with something less shitty to play. Just try and keep the 'Bella left me for the undead and now I'm going to go cut myself' soundtrack to a minimum--_  
  
 _  
What were the things you wanted for yourself, teenage ambitions you remember well-- "When I think about what we could... I like a lot of it." Bella's face flushing red, her little fingers pushing her dark hair out of the way and I_ _wanted--_  
  
  
The grey wolf whipped around, eyes wide. _What was that?_  
  
 _  
It was the HEEEEEAT of the MOOOO--_ Leah's teeth snapped at me, and I took a quick step back. _Don't think about it don't think about it don't think about it_ , I chanted to myself.  
  
  
Ever tried to _not_ think about something? It pretty much guarantees that you _do_.  
  
 _  
"The kid would be half mine, half Bella's, and none yours, Cullen."_  
  
  
Oh, _fuck_.  
  
  
A wordless wave of shock slammed into my mind with all the force of a semi, a blunt mental blow that had me physically reeling. Then the grey wolf collapsed in on itself. Fur fluffed up into the air.  
  
  
Leah dropped two feet onto the forest floor, naked and human and still on her hands and knees, her shorts and shirt fluttering free from the ties on her leg. " _Turn around_ ," she gasped, sounding like the wind had been knocked out of her. "Turn around, dipshit, and tell me what the _fuck_ that was."  
  
  
I obligingly turned my head, but I stayed in the wolf. It seemed... um... safer. I heard her scrambling into her clothes.  
  
  
"Come _on_ , Jacob," Leah said a moment later. "Phase and tell me I did _not_ see what I thought I saw."  
  
  
I didn't change. Frankly, all my instincts were telling me to run like hell. But I couldn't exactly leave a Pack member here alone and in human form; that was a huge no-no, and just because the newborns seemed to be mostly gone didn't mean--  
  
  
A rock hit me on the back of the head. "Phase! _Now!_ "  
  
  
Shit. With considerably more grace than Leah -- though in fairness _she'd_ transformed by accident -- I phased back into human form. I'd barely gotten my shorts on before I got hit in the head again. " _Ow_! Knock it off!"  
  
  
" _No!_ " I turned back to face the now-clothed and furious Leah, who already had another rock in her hand. "Now _answer me!"_  
  
  
"Put the rock down, Leah," I ordered, wishing that I could have _some_ of the advantages of being Alpha without taking all the crap that came with it. Forced obedience would be useful once in awhile. "It's not what you think--"  
  
  
"Oh, it's not?" she spat angrily. "I didn't just see you offer to knock up the leech-lover?"  
  
  
Okay, it _was_ what she thought. "Stop calling her that," I said.  
  
  
Leah's free hand clenched and unclenched restlessly at her side. "C'mon, seriously." There was almost a note of pleading in her voice. "Tell me this is just some fucked up dream of yours, okay? Tell me I've got it wrong."  
  
  
"You've got it wrong," I replied automatically.  
  
  
She paused, then narrowed her eyes. "You're lying."  
  
  
"Well, you asked me to."  
  
  
" _AGH!_ " Leah let go a wordless scream of frustration and threw the rock at me with speeds that would get her drafted by the Yankees. I managed to dodge just before it broke my nose. "You _idiot!_ "  
  
  
"I know, I know," I mumbled, sitting down on a log.  
  
  
I'd been doing my very best not to think about the whole situation for the last few days, because every time I did, it seemed like a worse and worse idea. Was _fuck-up-edness_ a word? If it wasn't, then it needed to be, because it was the only thing that really described this mess. _On the next episode of Jerry Springer, teenage werewolves having babies with a teenage girls getting married to a teenage vampires._ (Well, the vampire wasn't really a teenager. Except sort of. My head hurt.)  
  
  
But I'd agreed, and I wasn't going back now. Bella would be alive, and that was all that mattered-- and oh God, I was starting to sound like the bloodsucker. It wasn't true, there were still other things that mattered. Things like the part of me, the fucking _crazy as shit_ part of me that actually _wanted_ this. The little voice sitting in the back of my head, calmly saying _It's what you've dreamed of, or close enough, and she wants it too, so don't throw your only chance away--_  
  
  
" _Jacob Black!_ You _listen_ to me when I'm bitching at you!"  
  
  
"Sure thing, Mom," I said sarcastically, rolling my eyes.  
  
  
"I _wish_ she was here!" Leah's face was red. "Sarah would have _kicked your ass!_ "  
  
  
Silence.  
  
  
God.  
  
  
I couldn't speak. It felt like all the air had been sucked out of my lungs.  
  
  
Leah closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Okay," she said, a little calmer. "Okay. Forget I said that. But I'm not fooling around here. I can't even _imagine_ what you're... Look, have you _done_ anything yet?"  
  
  
I swallowed and tried to collect myself. "I said I would."  
  
  
"But you haven't fucked her, right?" Leah persisted, sitting down next to me on the log. "I mean, no amount of stupid eighties music would keep your memory of her bony ass off the Pack Airwaves."  
  
  
"No. But I agreed to it." I'd offered Bella something, and for me, that pretty much constituted a binding contract.  
  
  
"Then _unagree_ , moron," she snapped. "Jesus, you didn't sign anything in blood, right? Quit thinking with your dick and back out."  
  
  
I glared at Leah. "I'm not thinking with my dick, all right? That has nothing to do with it. This wasn't even my fucking _idea_."  
  
  
"It wasn't? So, what, Little Miss Necrophiliac snaps her fingers, and you come running with your swimmers on a silver platter?" She snorted in disgust. "That's real nice, Jacob. Classy. Tell me, do you still _have_ your balls, or does she keep them in a jar on her dresser?"  
  
  
"Leave her _alone_ ," I growled. No one got to talk about Bella like that, no one. "It wasn't her idea either."  
  
  
"Then who--" Leah stopped abruptly, staring at me. She shook her head slowly. "You're kidding. Oh, you're _kidding_. Do _not_ tell me this is the _bloodsucker's_ brilliant scheme." When I didn't answer, she groaned. "Christ, this just keeps getting better and better. You're going to procreate for _them_ _?_ So they can keep up with the happy shiny sparkly family bullshit?"  
  
  
"Not exactly," I explained. "It would still be mine. Get to be on the rez and stuff. And if Bella turns then she has to give it to me and leave."  
  
  
Leah gaped. "Okay, I don't know if it's better or _worse_ that you thought that through. If your brain is actually functioning at _all_ , then you should never have agreed to it in the first place. I mean, this is _sick_ , Jacob."  
  
  
"I'm aware," I said sourly.  
  
  
"Then _why_ the _fuck_ are you even _thinking about it?!_ " Leah leapt off the log and started pacing. "Why in God's name are you even _entertaining the thought?!_ "  
  
  
"If I do this, it'll buy time." It all came back to that... _time_. Time was everything. Time was all I wanted. "She won't change right away. She's all messed up right now, Leah. She's going to _kill herself_."  
  
 _  
"Well, let her!"_ Leah exploded. _"Let her die! If she wants to be a fucking vampire so bad, then good fucking riddance!"_  
  
  
A shiver ran up my spine and an animal growl came out of my throat. "Do... _not..._ "  The wolf paced in my chest and my heart started to race -- I would rip Leah to pieces if she kept this up, I would, I would, I  _would..._  
  
  
Leah's eyes were blazing. Her body shuddered once, twice... but then her shoulders slumped, defeated. "Fuck it, I can't even focus. _You've_ got me too rattled to phase, you idiot." She stalked past me and knocked a branch out of her way. "I'm going to have to walk home. Thanks a _lot_."  
  
  
I ignored her, let her walk away for a moment, then... _Fuck_. "Wait up, Leah."  
  
  
"No. Get lost."  
  
  
I jogged around a few ferns to catch up. Leah refused to look at me and kept marching ahead. "I can't just leave you out here."  
  
  
"In case you hadn't noticed, shit-for-brains, _I'm_ not some pale, sickly hundred-and-ten pound weakling. I can take care of myself."  
  
  
"And if some straggling newborn eats you," I countered, "it would be my fault. Sam would kill me for not protecting you."  
  
 _  
That_ got her attention. Leah speared me with a withering look. " _Sam_ can go fuck himself. Besides, I don't need protecting, _you_ do. The Lord High Alpha's going to have you _neutered_ when he hears about this."  
  
  
I groaned. "Oh, God, Leah, please don't tell him."  
  
  
"You think he's not going to find out?" she snarled, looking like she might spit at me the way she did the day at the cliff. "You think I'm going to be able to _not think about this?_ Jesus, I'm not going to be able to think about anything _else_ _!_ Besides, don't you think he'll suspect something when the sprog actually comes? It's not like anyone's going to buy that a child with _your_ genes could have been fathered by that whiter-than-white bloodsucker."  
  
  
"I thought of that. We'll just say it was an accident. We got carried away at some point, and..." I trailed off and, to my absolute horror, felt my face redden.  
  
  
Leah, of course, noticed and rolled her eyes. "Virgins," she said disparagingly.  
  
  
"Shut up," I mumbled. "Anyway, so we did once, and we weren't careful, and... well, there you go. It happens, right?"  
  
  
" _Yes_ , Jacob, it happens. _That_ happens all the time. It's stupid, but it happens. But doing it on _purpose_ isn't just stupid, it's fucking _demented_." She glared at me like she was going to start throwing rocks again, but she just barreled forward, kicking a stump out of the way. "What I can't believe is that the bloodsucker came up with this bullshit. He's practically got her on a leash. If he won't even let her out of his sight, is he planning to _watch_ while you sex her up?"  
  
  
"Oh _God_ no," I said quickly. Ugh. _That_ mental image was going to stick with me for awhile.  
  
  
"So, then, what's the bloodsucker's thinking?" Leah asked. "Well, to the extent that _any_ of you morons are thinking. The whole thing stinks. Is she _supposed_ to say no? Some kind of loyalty test he's setting up for the bride-to-be?"  
  
  
"No, I don't think so." It would be nice if it were, though. Bella and I make love, she fails the test, the leeches leave town. That would be _fantastic_. "Cullen's trying to talk her out of turning and he thinks a kid will do it."  
  
  
"Oh, that makes _perfect_ sense." Leah rolled her eyes. "I know that when _I'm_ trying to convince someone to see things my way, the _first_ thing that comes to my mind is popping out a couple of brats." Her expression flickered, and for a moment, she looked sad. Then she shook her head and it was gone. "So, fine. The bloodsucker wants her alive. _You_ want her alive. But _s_ _he_ wants to be dead. So is there any fucking chance that this plan will actually _work_?"  
  
  
"I'm not sure," I said honestly. "I don't think Bella's thought things through."  
  
  
"No fucking kidding."  
  
  
"Not just like _that_ , Leah. I think... I think she still isn't sure about what she wants to do. She _says_ she is, but..." I shrugged helplessly. "She's really good at lying to herself, but she's not so good at lying to me. If she changes she won't be happy. She'll be cold and she'll never see the sun and she'll have to say goodbye to--" _me_ "--everyone she loves. But if she has a baby, she'll have to _wait_ , at least for awhile, and if she can't rush into anything then maybe... she'll change her mind."  
  
  
Leah stared at me. "Right. And your hard-on for this chick has nothing to do with your motivations here."  
  
  
I couldn't meet her eyes. "That's not why I'm doing this. But, well, if she changes her mind about becoming a vampire, she could always, you know... change her mind about other things, too."  
  
  
Okay, that sounded really bad.  
  
  
"Well, _I'm_ sold," Leah said sarcastically. "Having a baby to convince a girl to love you. Nothing can go wrong with _that_ plan."  
  
  
"She already loves me," I shot back, stung. "She told me so."  
  
  
"She did _what?!_ "  
  
  
"She's in love with me, too." No matter how awful things got, Bella Swan loved me, and that was _good_. "We talked about it when I was recovering. She loves me, but she just... loves the bloodsucker more. She thinks so, anyway. But he's messed with her head so badly, if I just had more time, I think she might--"  
  
  
Leah had stopped walking.  
  
  
"What?"  
  
  
"Jacob," she said slowly, " _do you hear the words that are coming out of your mouth?_ Look, _I_ happen to think you're nine kinds of stupid, but there are other girls who won't think that way. Amazingly enough, you _can_ do better than being some angsty white chick's runner-up." She looked away, her lips twisting into a snarl. "Besides, she had no business saying shit like that. It's worse that way. If she was going to pick the bloodsucker then she should have just said she didn't want you at all."  
  
  
"I wouldn't have believed her," I said. "I can tell when she's lying." I sighed. What a goddamn nightmare. "I love her, Leah."  
  
  
"Well, _don't,_ " she snapped, her face closed.  
  
  
"I've _tried_ ," I shot back. Jesus, I'd beaten myself up over this plenty, I didn't need to hear it from _her_ , too. "I _know_ this is fucked up. I've _tried_ and just can't seem to stop."  
  
  
"Then _try harder."_  
  
  
"I _can't_ try any harder!"  
  
  
"Bullshit. You're wallowing in this because you _want to,_ and you know it."  
  
  
"Well, maybe I'll just _imprint_ and that will solve _everything!_ " I shouted.  
  
  
Leah's entire body froze.  
  
  
Oh, shit. "Leah, I--"  
  
  
"Don't. You. _Ever_. Say. That," Leah bit out, her face like a stone mask. "Not ever. Imprinting solves _nothing_."  
  
  
"Yeah," I said, looking down. "I know. That was thoughtless."  
  
  
A muscle in Leah's jaw worked, then she nodded curtly and started walking again.  
  
  
Wow. I was a _jerk._ Especially given that imprinting was one of the worst fates I could think of. Seeing inside other people's minds is disturbing enough, but looking into Jared's head, Quil's head, and seeing everything that used to make them _them_ suffused with a haze of blank, unreasoning devotion... it was fucking terrifying. Sam was better at controlling it (or at least hiding it from the rest of us), but his adoration of Emily was still there, and it bled out all mixed up with his pain over Leah. It was awful. Unlike some people, I _liked_ having choices. "I don't want to imprint," I said quietly. "I really, really don't."  
  
  
"Good."  
  
  
There was silence for a moment as we walked side by side, then Leah said, "I wouldn't worry about it too much. I don't think you will."  
  
  
"No?"  
  
  
"No. Trust me, I've thought about it a _lot_ ," she said bitterly, "and I think imprinting only happens if the world decides you need... _help_ finding someone. Let's face it, Jared's kind of an idiot, and Quil was destined to marry his right hand. They would never have managed on their own. Just wait, I bet Paul will have to imprint too, since he's such an asshole. The great Matchmaker in the Sky just gives them a push, and presto! Instant soulmates. Of course," she added, "instant _anything_ is pretty worthless. Like packaged noodles. They've got ramen relationships."  
  
  
"But--" oh God she was going to bite my head off "--that doesn't make sense for Sam. Sam loved you."  
  
  
She snorted. "Yeah, well," the bitterness deepened, "I've got a theory for _that_ , too. I bet the Alpha is supposed to have puppies. Gotta keep up that leadership bloodline or something."  
  
  
I blinked. "Yeah? So?" Then, suddenly, I got it. "You mean you can't... you don't--"  
  
  
"Nope," Leah said. Instead of pushing a large branch out of the way, she broke it off in her hand. It snapped like a toothpick. "Not since I started phasing. Finally went to see a doctor last month, and the plumbing down there is all shot to shit. No puppies for me. So imprinting fixed Sam's little mistake and pointed him in the _suitable_ direction. Emily can probably give him a whole _litter_."  
  
  
Oh, fucking hell. "That... sucks."  
  
  
"No kidding." Leah reached for her pocket, then made a disgusted noise in her throat. "Shit. I _never_ remember to bring cigs when I need them. Anyway, I think you're probably safe from the magical insta-love. You're apparently capable of finding relationships--" she eyed me "--terrible, _terrible_ relationships, so I'd say you get to keep your choices. Just _stop_ making all the _wrong ones_. Head up to Seattle for a weekend, fuck some random girls, get it out of your system, then come back and think _clearly_ for once."  
  
  
"I don't think that'll work." I'd go to the city determined to find a blonde and end up clinging to the shortest, palest brunette I could find. Then I'd come back and implement my eternal fallback plan -- begging Quil and Embry to kill me. Maybe with their fireworks.  
  
  
"Yeah, probably not." Leah stopped, closed her eyes, and took a deep breath. Her face was focused. "Okay, I'm sick of walking. I think I can phase now," she said, her hands going to the hem of her shirt. "Turn around."  
  
  
Man, the whole occasional nudity thing was all so much easier when there wasn't a _girl_ phasing with us.  
  
  
Within a few moments I felt the earth under my paws as I ran, the grey wolf darting around trees by my side. I didn't think I'd ever get tired of being able to move so _fast_. It was better than the bikes, even -- though not better than the Rabbit. _Nothing_ was better than the Rabbit.  
  
 _  
So tell me something,_ Leah thought, dodging a fallen log. _What is it about this girl that makes you such a fucking idiot? Is it the translucent skin? The angst? The shameless manipulation? What? Because I don't see it and, let me tell you, neither does anyone else._  
  
 _  
It was the HEEEEEAT of the-_ ** _OW!_** Leah's teeth bit the end of my tail, sending a sharp pain shooting up my back. _Jeez!_  
  
 _  
Answer my question, or I'll bite the whole damn thing off._  
  
 _  
Fine! She's... she's just..._ I didn't mean to _show_ Leah what I was thinking, I was just looking for the right words, but my mind filled up with _bella bella bella_ and images of her knee-deep in garbage at the dump and drinking warm soda and fidgeting with a socket wrench and laughing at Embry and _It's not that you're a wolf, that's fine_ and wrapping her arms around herself and wrapping her arms around _me_ and her body against mine in the tent and how the girl I knew disappeared around the bloodsucker and how I missed _my_ Bella and _Kiss me and come back_ and her hands in my hair and _You're the only one I'd ever want to have children with_ and dreams of pancakes and Saturday mornings mixed with nightmares of marble statues and blood-red eyes and I loved her and it was all so _much_.  
  
  
It took a long moment before I could get my mind to slow down and refocus.  
  
 _  
Ah,_ Leah thought finally. _I get it now. You're a sap._  
  
  
 _Pretty much, yeah._  
  
  
A few minutes later we came to the edge of the forest. My house waited beyond the clearing. The grey wolf looked at me. _I should go in there and tell your father, Jacob, I really should._  
  
  
 _Are you going to?_ I thought nervously.  
  
  
A long silence, then-- _No. And I'll try not to think anything at Sam, either. I'll hum some Alanis Morissette or something._  
  
  
I blinked. _Really?_  
  
  
She snorted. _I'm a free will kind of girl. People should get to make their own choices, even when the choices are insane. But Jacob, for the love of God, **think**. At least **talk** about it more before you do anything stupid. This is a baby, not a goldfish, and you're a werewolf and she's marrying a vampire and you're both kids and all of you are fucking certifiable. So I won't rat you out, but **think**._  
  
  
It was hard to argue with that logic. _Thanks, Leah._  
  
 _  
Shut up._ As she trotted back into the woods, she added, _Besides, if I **did** rat you out, it wouldn't be to Sam or your father. I'd call Rachel and Rebecca. I've still got their numbers, you know. And I'm not picking up any more big sister slack around here._  
  
  
That didn't make me feel any better.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
The _third_ time, the call came in the middle of the afternoon, just as the Mariners game was starting on the radio. (Yes, they sucked, but team loyalty trumps all. Don't judge.) The ringing started after the first Felix Hernandez strikeout, and I immediately jumped up to answer it before Billy could. Not that I was nervous or anything. "Hello?"  
  
  
"Um... hi, Jake. It's Bella." Like I wouldn't know her voice anywhere.  
  
  
"Hey, Bells." Billy glanced up from the radio and gave me a Look -- a Look that I'd been getting a lot over the last few months, one that said _Son, just hang up before you do anything stupid._ Which was funny, in that he really had _no_ idea how stupid I was capable of being. I turned away and faced the kitchen cabinet. "How's it going?"  
  
  
There was a short pause, then-- "Your dad's in the room, isn't he."  
  
  
"A little bit," I said. A simple _yes_ would have immediately given it away to Billy that Bella had asked whether he was there, whereas _a little bit_ could mean any number of things. You have to learn a lot of tricks to phone communication when you live in a small house with your father and don't have a cell.  
  
  
"Ah," Bella said understandingly. She'd learned to translate my code a long time ago. "Well... can you talk anyway?"  
  
  
"I think so," I said in a way that could potentially be interpreted to mean that Bella was asking if she'd left her sweatshirt in the garage.  
  
  
"All right. So... uh... yeah. Can I see you tomorrow? 'Cause that's when, um..." she trailed off, and I could practically see her blushing.  
  
  
"Yeah, sure," I said, shrugging, as though there was no reason I couldn't drop off Bella's sweatshirt when I was next in town.  
  
  
I would _definitely_ see her, because I'd been meditating on Leah's verbal bitchslap for two days, and I'd come to the inescapable conclusion that she was right. We needed to talk about this a _lot_ more. So I'd meet with Bella and explain that we'd just have to wait, don't worry not too long but at least until next month, and that would give us more time to hammer out details and look at things from a lot of different perspectives and try to make the whole thing less batshit crazy and maybe possibly convince her that if she wanted to have babies then I would give her lots of them but it would be easier if she just stayed with me and forgot the whole getting married to a bloodsucker thing.  
  
  
And if that didn't work, I could always tell Charlie that his daughter believed in vampires and he better get her to a hospital. That was the backup plan.  
  
  
"Okay. Okay, that's, um, good. But, the thing is... if you're free, then we could.. I mean..." she hesitated, then said in a rush, "wecouldspendtheweekendtogetherifyou

want."

 

I blinked. "What?"

 

"It's just... I said something last night about how it might feel less awkward if... and I wasn't asking or anything, I was just thinking out loud, and then Edward told me this morning that he'd called and rented this cabin on the shore and if you're free we could actually go up tonight, and stay through Sunday, but it's... we don't have to, we don't, if you don't it doesn't matter to me, I'll do what you want to do, it's just... something we could do," she finished. She sounded like she was hyperventilating.

 

Oh. __

__

 

_Oh._

 

_Holy shit._ An entire weekend with Bella all to myself. That was... perfect, actually. The leech would be miles away, so it would be _my_ Bells there, the one I never got to see anymore, the one who gave me _real_ answers and _real_ smiles. We could discuss things as much as we wanted, like Leah suggested. There'd even be time left over to just _enjoy being with her_ for once. And I had absolutely no motivations beyond that. None. Really.

 

(I'd just have to forget the part that Cullen was the one who set it up. Every time I thought that he couldn't get any fucking creepier...)

 

"Jake, seriously, if you think this'll just make it worse or weirder or whatever then--"

 

"Nah, I think that'll work," I said casually. I could feel Billy's eyes boring a hole in the back of my neck -- if he kept it up I'd probably get a blister.

 

A long silence followed, then Bella giggled in a I-don't-really-think-anything-is-funny kind of way and said, "Okay, I'm sorta freaking out right now and I can't tell if you're actually that calm or if you're still putting on a show for your dad."

 

"Probably the second one." _Calm_ was definitely _not_ a word I'd use to describe myself at the moment.

 

"Oh, okay. Well, then... if that's all going to work, then... yeah. We'll meet there, I guess." She read off the address, and I closed my eyes and repeated it to myself, praying I could keep it memorized long enough to leave the room and find a piece of paper. I couldn't risk taking notes where Billy could see. "So... six o'clock, maybe?"

 

"Whatever," I said, adding a slight tone of bitterness. I was going to need it for my cover story.

 

"Right. Okay. Well..." Bella was biting her lip, I knew it. "I'll see you then, Jake."

 

"Yeah. Bye." I hung up the phone with just a little more force than necessary, then blew out a deliberately frustrated breath.

 

"Not a great talk?" Billy said as I turned around. His face was unreadable.

 

"No," I said. Not a lie, technically. It _wasn't_ a great talk. It was a _weird_ talk. I missed the days when conversations with Bella were easy. "Look, Dad, if you don't mind, I'm gonna clear out for the weekend. Go camping or something. I'm not scheduled to patrol or anything, so... yeah." I picked at my nails. "I just... need to get away."

 

He looked at me for a long moment, then nodded. "All right." Wow. That was easier than I thought. I must've really been looking pathetic recently. I started towards my room, but froze when Billy continued. "Son... I know you think I'm an old man, but I _do_ remember a few things about being your age. It hurts when a girl breaks your heart, but I promise, it _does_ get better in time. You're not the first person to go through this."

 

My hand shook as it reached for the door handle. "No offense, Dad, but you have no idea what you're talking about."

 

I heard his sigh over the radio announcers as I went to pack.


	5. Wherein Jacob and Bella compete.

[ _if you didn't want this and i didn't need it then how did this interest become an addiction?_ ](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oWA-FveZcaQ) _  
Deep Blue Something, "Halo"  
_

  
  
  
I packed underwear, two shirts, an extra pair of shorts, and a pair of sweatpants into a duffel bag.  
  
  
We were going to talk this weekend. We _were_. I would talk to her, explain my positions calmly and clearly without the bloodsucker hanging over her shoulder, and we'd work this whole kid thing out in a way that wasn't just blindly demented. And then I'd take the opportunity to make sure she rested properly for once. Maybe even convince her to get some real sleep. The tentative goal was that by the end of the weekend, the circles under her eyes would have faded to a more normal skin tone. Well, what counted as a normal skin tone for _her_.  
  
  
I found a pair of sneakers under the bed.  
  
  
But I wouldn't touch her. I _wouldn't_. Maybe in _theory_ that was why we were spending two nights together, but that wasn't what was going to happen. Later, maybe. When it was a little less weird. But not _now_. _Now_ was bad. _Now_ and Leah would castrate me, or worse, call my sisters.  
  
  
I grabbed deodorant off of the dresser.  
  
  
Okay, there might be a _little_ bit of touching. I was at least _somewhat_ self-aware -- there was no point in pretending I wouldn't hug her. I always did. Even when I told myself I wouldn't. So that would happen. And... well... maybe one kiss, a chance to do things properly, instead of the way my previous attempts had gone -- too hard and too full of panic and frustration and heartache. I could do better than that. I wanted to prove to _Bella_ that I could do better than that. I would be on my best behavior the whole weekend, and if things went really, really well, maybe I'd kiss her at some point. Just once.  
  
  
I made sure I got my toothbrush out of the bathroom before I left.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
The cabin was an hour north, off of the interstate, two service roads, and a long gravel driveway. The second I saw it, I knew exactly what it was -- one of those 'get away for the weekend' time share things that were popular with rich people from Seattle, where they could pretend they were roughing it without giving up their feather pillows. There was one like it near the edge of the rez that the Pack could see while on patrol; one night, after spotting an SUV out front, Quil had inched as close as he could possibly get without leaving the lands, waited until the light in the window went out, and then let loose with an eerie, inhuman, ear-splitting howl. The SUV was gone the next day and didn't come back.  
  
  
 _This_ cabin didn't have an SUV out front. It had a Volvo.  
  
  
I parked the Rabbit and tapped on the Swedish piece of shit's driver's side window. The window lowered and a wave of leech stink rolled out of the interior, making me wince. "You better not think you're sitting out here all weekend, bloodsucker."  
  
  
Cullen was staring straight ahead with his hands on the steering wheel. He looked _awful_ \-- well, as awful as your average flawless undead is capable of looking, which isn't saying much. But he sure as hell looked less _composed_ than usual. "I had no intention of leaving Bella by herself to wait for you," he said, his face twinkling in the few beams of sunlight coming through the hazy evening sky.  
  
  
"Well, I'm here now, so your babysitting services are no longer required," I said, enjoying myself. _Cullen_ didn't need to know that I was only planning on talking to Bella for the next thirty-six hours, so I might as well twist the knife. "I really don't think we'll need a chaperone."  
  
  
He shot me a look that managed to be exasperated, furious, and absolutely miserable all at the same moment. I recognized the expression -- I'd seen it in the mirror a few times. The voice that came out, however, was clipped and controlled. "This was _not_ part of my idea, but it's what Bella wants, and that is all that matters to me. But let me be clear, dog: if you do _anything_ to make her the least bit unhappy, I will tear you to pieces -- and treaty be damned."  
  
  
"Don't you worry about a thing." I winked. "I'll make sure she's very, _very_ happy."  
  
  
For a moment, I thought that Cullen was going to leap right out the window and kill me where I stood -- I almost phased to protect myself -- but instead he ground his poisoned teeth together, threw the Swedish piece of shit into reverse, and started to back out of the driveway with a crunch of gravel.  
  
  
"And don't pull your Peeping Tom act," I called after him, tapping my nose. "I'll know."  
  
  
For the briefest of moments -- and it was from a distance in a moving vehicle -- I could have _sworn_ I saw Cullen flip me the bird. But then he was gone.  
  
  
Had to have been my imagination.  
  
  
The interior of the cabin delivered on the promise of the exterior: one large room, plenty of wood paneling, big picture windows. A microwave in a kitchenette that was separated from the rest of the space by a counter with two bar stools. A loveseat and an armchair around a pine coffee table. No television but a faux-granite fireplace. A door to the bathroom on the far wall. And, of course, a large four-poster bed. It was _exactly_ the kind of place that bloodsucker would rent.  
  
  
Bella was crouched in the kitchen, putting groceries into the mini-fridge. "Hey, Bells," I called.  
  
  
"Hi, Jake," she said without looking up. She pulled a gallon of milk out of a paper sack and set it on the refrigerator shelf with a jerky, mechanical movement. "I think we're going to be eating mostly sandwiches, if that's all right."  
  
  
"Hey, you thought to _bring_ food, which is more than I did," I replied, dropping my duffel bag next to the front door. "I brought socks. Does that count for anything?"  
  
  
Bella laughed, but it wasn't a _real_ Bella laugh -- it was too high-pitched, too quick. "Do you want roast beef or BLTs? The BLTs will take a little bit longer, I haven't fried any bacon, but I can do that if you want, I can, it'll just take a little more time. I can get the lettuce cut though, and if I did the bacon in the microwave it wouldn't take as long but it probably wouldn't taste the same, it never does when you do it quick like that." She closed the mini-fridge and folded up the paper bag with a series of crunches before storing it under the sink with shaking hands. She was seriously about to lose it. I walked towards her slowly, but she didn't notice. "But the roast beef's already cooked and sliced and everything, and I brought honey mustard and dijon mustard and yellow mustard so if you want any of them or all of them--"  
  
  
"Bella," I said softly, and she nearly jumped out of her skin as she turned to face me, eyes wide. She had high red spots on her cheeks and the circles under her eyes were worse than ever. "Bella, I really don't care about the sandwiches."  
  
  
"Oh," she squeaked. I reached towards her and she flinched, which stung -- it stung a _lot_ , did she think I was going to hurt her? -- but I took her face between my hands anyway, as gently as I could. Her skin was icy cold. I couldn't _stand_ it when her skin was icy. She was meant to be warm.  
  
  
"Bella?"  
  
  
"Yeah?" She was trembling from head to toe.  
  
  
"Breathe."  
  
  
Bella blinked. "What?"  
  
  
I started to laugh. God, this was all so fucking _ridiculous_. "Bells, honey, calm down, okay? It's just me. I'm just Jake, and you know that no matter what kind of sandwiches you make, I'm going to eat about six of them."  
  
  
She stared at me for a moment, unmoving -- then she took a deep, shuddering breath, exhaled, and gave me a weak smile. Weak, but still a _real_ Bella smile. A _my_ Bella smile. "Be careful, I might take that as a challenge."  
  
  
"An insurmountable one. I haven't met a sandwich yet that I couldn't finish," I said as I (reluctantly) took my hands away from her face. "Not even the time Emily tried to get the Pack to eat tofurky."  
  
  
Bella wrinkled her nose. "Really? Why did she do that?"  
  
  
"She was on a girl thing," I explained.  
  
  
"A girl thing."  
  
  
"Yeah, she read some kind of book about nutritional balance and said we all needed to expand our diets or we'd get scurvy or something." I shrugged. "Everyone else thought it was disgusting, so I got to eat it all. Emily tried bean sprouts a few days later and then pretty much gave up once Sam begged her to just make muffins again."  
  
  
"Uh-huh." Bella tried to keep a straight face. "And you actually _liked_ tofurky?"  
  
  
"Nah," I said. "It was pretty gross. But I was hungry."  
  
  
"You're _always_ hungry."  
  
  
"Exactly. So you could make _any_ kind of sandwich and I would eat it. As long as it was made of actual food," I clarified, "and not, like, plastic."  
  
  
"Are you actually _daring_ me to make a sandwich you'll find inedible?" Bella's eyebrows were almost in her hair. "Because that's really stupid. I know a _lot_ more about food than you do, Jacob Black. I'd win."  
  
  
"Bet you wouldn't."  
  
  
"Bet I _would_."  
  
  
"Fine. It's an official dare, then," I declared, keeping my voice and face very solemn, when all I wanted to do was grin. Bella was joking with me and therefore everything right with the universe. "What should the winner get?" Her smile faltered a little, and I realized that given the circumstances that could be taken in a very different way, so I quickly added, "I'm thinking three years."  
  
  
Bella's expression smoothed out again, her momentary lapse into nervousness gone. "Three _years_? For a _sandwich_?"  
  
  
"We're talking about way more than a sandwich, Bells," I countered. "We're pitting _your_ culinary knowledge against _my_ appetite. It's a clash of the titans. _D_ _efinitely_ worth three years."  
  
  
"Good point. Hmm." She pursed her lips and tapped her finger against her chin like she was thinking things over very carefully. I loved her, I loved her, I _loved_ her. "And how long do I have?"  
  
 _  
Forever._ "It's open-ended."  
  
  
"All right," she said. "I'm going to take this seriously, you know."  
  
  
"So am I," I replied. She grinned and bent down to pick up the second bag of groceries, and as her ponytail fell over her shoulder, the smell of her hair wafted up to my nose -- that is, the smell of bloodsucker. Ugh. He'd probably done it on purpose, too. Bella hoisted the bag onto the kitchenette counter and caught the expression on my face. "What?"  
  
  
I grimaced. "Sorry, Bells, but you kind of stink."  
  
  
She frowned and touched her hair, then realized what I was talking about and rolled her eyes. "Oh, come _on_. Sometimes I think you're both just making this smell thing up to annoy me."  
  
  
"I wish I was," I said truthfully. It would be a lot nicer to _not_ know the extent to which the bloodsucker had rubbed himself all over her. "It's just... really, really gross."  
  
  
Bella made a wordless noise of frustration and turned on her heel. "Fine. I'll take a shower. Will that be sufficient, or should I soak in bleach, too?"  
  
  
"No, the last thing you need is to be any whiter," I said, smirking.  
  
  
"Well, then, I hope strawberry shampoo is enough to cover up my appalling stench," she snapped, stalking towards the bathroom in a huff. "But if it's not, you're just out of luck." She slammed the door behind her, and a moment later, I heard the sound of a shower running.  
  
  
I took the opportunity to open all of the windows. The weather was good and the fresh air was nice, but mostly I just wanted to be sure I'd smell it if Cullen decided to camp out in the bushes like the fucked up little stalker that he was. Then I started putting away the remaining groceries -- who brings a five pound bag of flour for _one_ weekend? Was she planning on baking a bunch of cakes?  
  
  
My stomach grumbled at that. Cakes would be awesome.  
  
  
I put the flour into the cabinet next to a box of Frosted Flakes and reevaluated my plan. We needed to talk, but at the moment, Bella was _way_ the fuck too wound up to handle it. Besides, I knew what would happen if I said "Hey, honey, it's not that I'm backing out, but I really don't think we should procreate this weekend since we haven't discussed, say, when exactly we'll do the babysitting handoffs since _I'll still be in school_ " -- she would just close up, nod, and call the bloodsucker to come get her. I wanted her _away_ from him. At least until she got a decent night's sleep. At least until I'd gotten to spend a little time with _my_ Bella.  
  
  
That fucking leech was planning to keep her for all eternity. I should get to have one weekend, goddamn it.  
  
  
So we'd talk later. After it was too late in the evening for her to leave.  
  
  
A canister of baking powder? Who the hell travels with a canister of _baking powder_? Maybe she _was_ going to bake cakes. Lots of cakes.  
  
  
After the food was put away, I moved my duffel bag from the door and tossed it next to the bed. (Bella's suitcase sat open and empty next to an antique dresser. We were only staying for two nights, and she'd still actually put all her stuff in drawers. She could be anal about the weirdest things.) Then I opened the corner closet -- oh, good, spare sheets. (I might not have been a hundred-and-eight-year-old romantic hero, but I at least knew that the girl slept in the bed and the guy slept on the couch.) And there were the firestarters and the matches, and the cleaning supplies, and...  
  
  
Oh, _sweet_.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
By the time Bella came out of the bathroom, I already had everything set up on the coffee table. I heard a soft "Jacob," looked up, and--  
  
  
\-- _shit._  
  
  
A cotton bathrobe clung against the curves of her body where her skin was still wet, and I could see the outline of her breasts and hips -- she was definitely not wearing _anything_ underneath. Her hair was damp and nearly black. Her fingers were twisting her engagement ring compulsively. She was biting her lower lip.  
  
  
She thought it was going to be _right now_.  
  
  
Holy fuck.  
  
  
We could. _I could_. She _expected_ it. She wouldn't say no. I could just stand up, pull her to me, untie the sash and push the robe off her body -- I could do it, I could and _oh my God I wanted it so much._  
  
  
Then Bella glanced at the table and said in a puzzled voice, "Uh, Jake? What's that?"  
  
  
No. Fuck. _No_. I had a plan, and for once in my life, I was going to fucking stick to it, even if it killed me -- which it might. I swallowed and shifted my legs a little, hoping she wouldn't notice the bulge in my shorts. "It's Monopoly," I said, pointing at the board as though it wasn't obvious. "I found it in the closet."  
  
  
"You... you want to play a game?" she said uncertainly.  
  
  
I shrugged and started doling out the money, somewhat amazed that my hands weren't shaking. Two five hundreds, two one hundreds, two fifties... "I haven't played since Rachel and Rebecca went to high school and got too cool to play games with their dorky little brother. I guess I'm feeling nostalgic, 'cause it looked like fun." Not as fun as _other_ things, but...  
  
  
"I... um... right. Okay." Bella sank into the armchair opposite me, pulling her bathrobe tighter around her waist as she did. It covered more skin but showed off more curves. Water dripped from her hair down her collarbone and I tried not to stare. "Can I see the rules?"  
  
  
Huh. I passed her the cardboard insert. "I thought _everyone_ knew how to play Monopoly."  
  
  
"I'm an only child of two only children," she pointed out, scanning the box. "I didn't have any sisters or cousins to call me a dork. I played a couple of times at, you know, sleepovers and stuff. But that was a long time ago."  
  
  
"Okay, well, in _that_ case, we should play for something," I said, giving her a deliberately cocky grin. "Given that I'm going to win and all."  
  
  
She shot back a withering look. "Please. Just because I don't remember all the details doesn't mean I can't win. What do you want to play for? More years?"  
  
  
I started to say yes, but then my eyes fell to her engagement ring. "How about if I win," I said without thinking, "you don't wear that for the weekend."  
  
  
Bella froze.  
  
  
I held my breath as I waited. I was good at waiting.  
  
  
Finally, after a long minute, Bella grasped the ring with her right fingers and gently slid it off her left hand. "Let's just play for years, okay?"  
  
 _  
_My expression must have been impressive (I know that my mouth was open), because Bella snorted when she saw my face. "Don't read too much into it," she warned, setting the ring on a side table. "I was thinking about taking it off anyway. If I didn't, it would be, well..."  
  
  
"...weird," I finished.  
  
  
She swallowed, not meeting my eyes. "Yeah. Weird."  
  
  
Like this wasn't already weird. I took a short breath and held out the box, shaking it a little. The pieces rattled. "So," I said, determinedly light, "which piece do you want?"  
  
  
Bella leaned over (I only looked down her robe for a second, I swear, and I didn't even really see anything), fished through the houses and hotels, and picked out the car.  
  
  
I frowned. " _I_ wanted the car."  
  
  
"We can't have everything we want, Jake," Bella said flippantly. Then she picked out another piece and tossed it at me -- I caught it instinctively. "You take that one."  
  
  
I opened my hand -- the dog. Of course. "I'm not really a Scottish Terrier, Bells."  
  
  
"Close enough," she smirked.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
"Have you found it yet?" Bella said from the kitchen.  
  
  
I scowled and flipped through my properties. There had to be _something_ that would work... "Just give me another minute."  
  
  
"Tick tock, tick tock," she said, balancing two plates on her left arm and carrying a glass of milk in her right hand. She set the milk next to Baltic Avenue and handed me one of the plates. "Here. This one is yours."  
  
  
"Thanks," I said absently, putting the sandwich down. I had to have _some_ options--  
  
  
"Face it." Bella took a swig of milk. "You're going to have to mortgage Boardwalk."  
  
  
I rolled my eyes, and she looked back innocently. "I am _not_ mortgaging the best property on the board to pay rent on a Connecticut Avenue hotel. It's... _wrong_."  
  
  
" _You're_ the one who decided to play it land-rich, cash-poor," Bella retorted. "So it's your own fault."  
  
  
"That usually works," I grumbled. "You're getting weirdly lucky rolls. You're not using trick dice, are you?"  
  
  
"Accusations of cheating -- the last refuge of the defeated. Pay up." She held out her hand expectantly. Her hair had curled as it dried and she was grinning smugly. She had no idea, no fucking _clue_ how pretty she was. And I really didn't have the money to pay her.  
  
  
So, instead, I leaned forward and brushed my lips against her offered palm. Her skin was soft and smelled like girl soap.  
  
  
Bella stared at me wide-eyed as I pulled back, answering her smug smile with one of my own. Her hand closed, the tips of her fingers barely touching the spot I kissed, then opened again. "Sorry," she said, her voice thick but steady. "I'm still going to need six hundred dollars."  
  
  
I sighed dramatically. " _Fine_." I flipped over Broadway, pulled the mortgage money out of the bank, added it to my depressingly small cash pile, and handed it over.  
  
  
That did _not_ count as my one kiss.  
  
  
"So," Bella said, sorting her winnings into neat stacks, "are you going to eat your dinner or not?"  
  
  
I glanced at it. White bread and thin as a peanut butter-and-jelly sandwich. My guess was, though, that it _wasn't_ peanut butter-and-jelly. "What's in it?"  
  
  
"I don't think it says in the rules that I have to tell you beforehand. Anyway, does it matter?"  
  
  
"Not really." I was hungry and there was no sign of cake. I picked the sandwich up, looked at it from the side (all I could tell was that there was something white in there) then a bite and chewed. Sweet. Crunchy, tangy, and really, really sweet. "It's not bad."  
  
  
Bella stared. "Please tell me you're kidding."  
  
  
I shrugged and took another crunchy bite. "It isn't _good_ ," I said, mouth full, "but it's still food. What's in it?"  
  
  
"Frosted Flakes and pickle relish." Bella was starting to turn green. "Oh, gross. Please stop eating."  
  
  
Heh. I raised my eyebrows. "Does this mean you're conceding defeat already?"  
  
  
She narrowed her eyes at my tone. "Hardly," she said, reaching forward and pulling the Frosted Flake-and-relish sandwich out of my hands. "This was only my first try."  
  
  
"Hey!" I protested. "That's my dinner!"  
  
  
"Not anymore." She dumped the sandwich in the trash and handed me half of the sandwich on her plate. "Here. Roast beef."  
  
  
"What kind of mustard?"  
  
  
"Dijon."  
  
  
"Good," I said, taking a bite. It was fantastic. "I hate yellow mustard."  
  
  
Bella rolled her eyes.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
I stared at the board. Okay. I needed to roll a six. A five would be okay too. A thirteen, though, and I would land on three Pennsylvania Avenue houses and I'd probably be screwed. I took a deep breath, blew on my hand, rattled the dice, and tossed them on the board...  
  
  
...a two and a four. Saved. "Hah!" I scooted the dog six spaces forward. "Better luck next time."  
  
  
There was no response. I glanced up. Bella's head was resting against the side of the armchair, her eyes closed.  
  
  
"Bells?" I said. "Seriously? It's not even ten yet."  
  
  
She didn't respond with anything except the steady rise and fall of her chest.  
  
  
Well, I  _did_ want her to get some sleep. I sighed as I stood up, my back creaking in protest. Ow. "Okay, Bells, let's go." I laid a hand on her shoulder and shook her gently. "Bedtime." Bella made a whimpering noise and turned her face into the chair. Oh, darn, guess I would have to carry her.I hooked an arm under her knees and cradled her against my chest (it felt _so_ good, everything about her felt good), then carried her across the room and set her down on the four poster bed.  
  
  
If the world didn't suck so goddamn much, I'd be getting to carry her to bed under different circumstances.  
  
  
"All right," I whispered, trying to figure out how to get her under the blankets when she was already laying on top of them. Damn. Should've thought this through first. I couldn't lift her back up one-handed (I was strong enough, but she would have slid out of my embrace and hit the floor), and I couldn't pull the blankets out from under her without waking her up. I finally just untucked the sheets from the opposite side of the bed and pulled them over to cover her body. Hopefully that would be good enough. "You get some sleep, honey, okay?" I said, pushing her hair out of her face. _Please, God, let her rest, let her think straight._  
  
  
"Mmmm," she murmured, burrowing into the mattress. "Jake?"  
  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
  
Bella was silent for a long moment, then she sighed, eyes still closed. "Jake," she whispered. And she smiled.  
  
  
Everything in me hurt. "I love you, Bells," I said quietly.  
  
  
I waited to see if she said anything more, but after a moment the smile drifted off of her face, and she fell into deep sleep.  
  
  
I'd talk to her tomorrow.  
  
  
I _would_.  
  
  
I put away the Monopoly game (since she'd fallen asleep before it was over, I figured that counted as a draw), pulled the spare sheets out of the cupboard, and settled in for a long, uncomfortable night on the loveseat.


	6. Wherein Bella wears ladybug pajamas and Jacob discovers additional uses for hair metal.

_[we were born to fuck each other one way or another](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DGWv6NC6XIg)  
Iron  & Wine, "Evening on the Ground (Lilith's Song)"_

  
  
Everything smelled like Bella. The whole world smelled like Bella. And the world was soft like Bella. The world was warm like Bella. It was a good place to be.  
  
  
There was a sudden noise next to me, a sharp plink. A soft voice next to my ear. "Orange juice, Jake." The world even _sounded_ like Bella. I decided I was going to live there forever.  
  
  
Something was nudging my shoulder. "C'mon, Jacob, wake up or breakfast will burn."  
  
  
I opened my eyes to see a whole lot of white fabric. Oh. I was face down in bed. I blinked blearily and turned my head to the side to see Bella raising her eyebrows at me. "Bells?" I croaked.  
  
  
"No, the Tooth Fairy," she said dryly. "Are you going to get out of bed, or do I have to eat everything myself?"  
  
  
"No, no, I'm up." I rolled over and flopped back against the pillows.  
  
  
"That's not up," Bella pointed out. "That's diagonal."  
  
  
"It's a process." I yawned, rubbed my eyes, and realized something. "Uh, Bells? Why am I in bed?" I'd been laying in the same spot she'd slept in. That explained the Bella-scent.  
  
  
Bella shrugged, tucking her hair back behind her ears. At some point she'd put on a set of linen pajamas with ladybugs on them. They had to be a gift from her mom -- she'd never buy something like that for herself, no matter how absurdly adorable she looked in them. "I woke up around seven, and you had fallen half off the couch. It looked really uncomfortable, so I put you into bed."  
  
  
"I don't remember that."  
  
  
"You were pretty out of it. I don't think you really woke up at all."  
  
  
I frowned. "Then how did you move me?"  
  
  
"You respond well to hand-holding and direct orders," Bella said, smirking. "Do you want breakfast or not?"  
  
  
"Yeah. Just give me a minute." Bella walked back to the kitchenette and I swung my legs off the side of the bed, leaning over to stretch my back. Owwww. A few hours in bed had obviously _not_ undone the damage done by a night on the loveseat. I was going to need to stand in a hot shower _forever_ to get these knots out. A glass of orange juice sat on a little ceramic coaster on the nightstand (for the record, my position on coasters was that if you needed one, you didn't put the finish on the table properly in the first place) and I swallowed it in one gulp.  
  
  
Now that my face wasn't buried in pillows anymore, I could actually smell what was being cooked, and whatever it was was awesome. Bella stood in front of the stove and she-- _Oh God you have to be kidding me._  
  
  
"Bella?" I called, my voice cracking. "What are you making?"  
  
  
"Pancakes!" Bella tossed a spatula into the sink, turned off the stove, and split a giant pile of pancakes between two plates -- two on one, about ten on the other. "I didn't actually intend to cook this many," she said, opening the refrigerator door, "but I tipped in too much baking powder by accident, so I had to make a double batch." She pulled out a jar of maple syrup and poured it over each stack. "I figured you'd probably eat the extras, though. But I didn't fry the bacon. We can just have that for--" She turned around, plates in hand, and cut off abruptly when she saw my face. A line appeared between her eyebrows. "Jake?"  
  
  
"Yeah?" I said.  
  
  
"You... don't like pancakes?" she said uncertainly.  
  
  
I swallowed around the lump in my throat. "No, I do," I assured her. "They're my favorite, actually."  
  
  
Bella's expression smoothed into a relieved smile. "Oh, good, because there's no way I could eat them all. I'd have to toss them outside for the squirrels or something."  
  
  
"Lucky squirrels," I said, finally getting out of bed, getting my feet under me literally if not figuratively. Bella set the pancakes on the counter, and it was too much like what this all was, so close to what I wanted but all _wrong_ , and, as usual, she had no idea what she was doing to me. How could she? She didn't even know I _liked_ pancakes.  
  
  
"Okay, seriously, Jacob," Bella said, studying me as I sat down on a bar stool, "you look like you're going to be sick. You don't have to eat them. I'd rather make something else than have you throw up all over the place. I haven't figured out where the mop is yet."  
  
  
"I'm fine," I said. "And the mop is in the closet with the board games."  
  
  
"Well, that's good to know." She held out the jar of maple syrup. "Do you want more?"  
  
  
Something hurt _so much_ in my chest that I... "Thanks," I said quietly. I couldn't look at her, so I took the syrup and turned it over in my hand, reading the ingredients list on the label. _Corn syrup, maple flavoring, sugar._ I knew my shoulders were shaking.  
  
  
After a moment, I felt cool fingers threading through my hair, fingernails scraping lightly against my scalp, over and over and over. I closed my eyes and leaned against her shoulder. "Hey." Bella's voice was soft. "You okay?"  
  
  
"Yeah." She kept stroking my head, until after what felt like an eternity, I felt myself start to relax... and promptly realized I was a total idiot. I'd fallen apart over a breakfast item. "I'm hungry," I said finally.  
  
  
"Me too," she said. The fingers were gone from my hair, and then she was sitting next to me at the counter, trying to read my face. I still couldn't look at her. But I _could_ take a bite of pancakes, at least.  
  
  
They were great.  
  
  
Bella shook her head as I mowed my way through my stack. "Jake, you're going to choke."  
  
  
"M'not," I said, mouth full.  
  
  
"Okay," she said doubtfully, "but just so you know, I don't know the Heimlich." She took her own bite, still watching me. "Are you sure you're okay?"  
  


 

"Yep." I didn't even sound convincing to myself.

  
An awkward silence fell.  
  
  
Okay. I'd put it off long enough. I really had to talk to her, talk about how we needed to delay this, find a way to buy some time for _me_ as well as her. _Bella, I'm not changing my mind, but let's just take a couple of months and figure out some more details, okay? Like how we're going to explain it to your father when I recover in two days after he shoots me, and when in this process you're planning to marry the bloodsucker, because if you walk down the isle pregnant with **my** baby I'll need to be in another country or something since otherwise I'll completely lose what's left of my mind. And I can't make love to you when you've made me pancakes if I only get to keep you for a weekend. There's a limit to how much I can take, and that's it._ "Bella," I said, trying to brace myself for whatever came next, "I think we should--"  
  
  
"It looks like it's going to rain today," Bella said quickly, jumping up off the stool and going to the window. "I was thinking about going for a walk, but I didn't bring an umbrella. I should have brought an umbrella."  
  
  
I blinked, completely derailed. "What?"  
  
  
"You'd think after a year here I'd remember to always bring rain gear," she continued, staring out at the forest, "but I never do. I'm not good at... well, most things. But remembering umbrellas seems to be high on the very long list. I bet it's going to rain a ton."  
  
  
I craned my neck to look out the window -- lots of grey and mist, but nothing out of the ordinary for a summer morning. "It might rain, but not all _that_ much," I said. "We can still go for a walk. Bells, I really want to talk to you first."  
  
  
"I'm going to clean up breakfast," she said, walking towards the kitchenette. "If you want to take a shower, there's clean towels under--" I reached out and grabbed her wrist as she passed me, and she came to a stop, staring at my hand.  
  
  
"Bella," I said firmly, "we are _going_ to talk."  
  
  
She shook her head. "I don't... I don't want..." She looked at me, eyes wide, and finally, I got it.  
  
  
Bella was terrified. Not just her every day over-thinking things nervous. She was absolutely, completely terrified.  
  
  
I tugged gently on her wrist, pulling her closer. "Bella," I said softly. "Bella, there's nothing to be afraid of."  
  
  
"I'm not afraid."  
  
  
"Uh-huh."  
  
  
"I'm _not!_ " she insisted.  
  
  
"Listen to me, Bella." I reached up to cup her cheek, and she dodged my hand. She didn't want me to touch her. Right. "We don't have to do this, okay? We don't."  
  
  
Bella's eyebrows drew together. "We... you don't want to?"  
  
  
"Not like this," I said, and saying it out loud made my chest ache. "Not if you're going to... I mean, there's... Bells, let's just think about it for a little longer, okay? I'm not saying no, but... we'll just take a couple of months. Figure out exactly how you want to go about it."  
  
  
"You don't want to," she repeated, pulling her wrist away. I let her go this time and fucking wished I could just let her go entirely.  
  
  
"It's not like that," I said, watching her wrap her arms around her midsection. Shit. "Look, Bells, if you want this, there are lots of options. You don't have to do it like this--" I gestured around the room "--there are other things, if it'll be less weird. We can, you know, go to a doctor or something--" where there wouldn't be pancakes to torture me "--and that'll be easier, and it'll give us time to work out some more of the details--"  
  
  
Bella stepped backward, looking to the side. "Yeah. Yeah, you're right. That makes a lot more sense. We can make an appointment somewhere and it'll be easier, Edward's right, that will be better for everyone. We'll do things that way." She was shaking her head now. "I'm sorry, Jake, I'm sorry I dragged you all the way out here, I should never have even said--"  
  
  
"Bells?" I interrupted, my mind having come to a screeching halt halfway through her ramblings. "Bells, what do you mean, 'Edward's right'?"  
  
  
Bella flushed, her skin turning pink from her hairline to the skin that disappeared under her pajamas. Then she turned away and walked to the side of the bed, picking up the empty glass. "Do you want any more orange juice? If you don't, I'm going to run the dishwasher--"  
  
  
"Bella." I was _not_ going to be put off from this. "I want to know what you meant."  
  
  
"--I can't believe this place even _has_ a dishwasher--"  
  
  
"Wait, was he thinking this was going to be a medical thing?"  
  
  
"--you'd think people could clean their own plates--"  
  
  
"Was _that_ his plan?"  
  
  
"--but I guess if you're on vacation you want to relax--"  
  
  
"If that's what he wanted, why are you here?"  
  
  
"--and not everyone finds washing dishes as relaxing as I do--"  
  
  
" _What do you want, Bella?_ "  
  
  
" _I want **you**!_ " Bella cried, turning to me suddenly, eyes blazing. The flush in her skin had turned crimson.  
  
  
We stared at each other.  
  
  
Finally I said, "You want me." I couldn't even think.  
  
  
Bella sat down on the edge of the bed and stared at the orange juice glass still in her hands. "Yes," she said thickly. "When Edward told me about this I thought it was crazy, but then _you_ said you were okay with it, and I thought, maybe... I mean, you two never agree on _anything_ , so maybe if you agreed on this then there might be... but I just assumed that it meant you and I would, you know, but _he_ assumed it would all be done with Carlisle or someone, and by the time we realized we weren't thinking the same thing he asked me what I wanted and I said I wanted _this_ , if we're going to do this then I want..."  
  
  
"You want me," I repeated.  
  
  
"Yes," she whispered. "I shouldn't, but I do. You were so warm in the sleeping bag and now I can't sleep, we kissed and now when you touch me it's too much, I imagined our life and now when I see babies I see..." She swallowed. "But, Jacob, I can't live without Edward. I don't even know _how_. He's the one I  _need_ but you're the one I _want_ and _I don't know how to stop_ and it's making everything so much worse--"  
  
  
Somehow I'd wound up kneeling in front of her, looking up into her face, taking the orange juice glass out of her hands and setting it on the nightstand. "You want me."  
  
  
Her eyes were filled with tears, but she didn't look away as she nodded. "Yes. I want you. I wish I didn't, though."  
  
  
There were a million emotions tumbling all over themselves inside me, but one rose to the surface -- one I hadn't felt in weeks. For the first time since I'd heard about her engagement, I felt _confident_. Bella wanted me. "Well," I said, and this time when I touched her cheek she didn't flinch away, "I can work with that."  
  
  
Then I leaned up and kissed her.  
  
  
It wasn't like the times before. This time _her_ lips were the desperate ones. I didn't need to be desperate. Bella had already said she loved me, but that was different than _wanting_ me, and now I had both. I didn't have to be desperate. I could take my time to feel how she shivered when I brushed my thumb across her cheek, to inhale her smell of girl soap and pancakes, to feel her eyelashes brush against the bridge of my nose as she closed her eyes.  
  
  
Something in the back of my mind started to lecture me, saying _You aren't supposed to do this, remember what Leah said, the reasons that this is a bad idea, remember what will happen and that neither of you are ready for it--_  
  
  
Then Bella made a little noise in her throat, reached up to tangle her hands in my hair, and opened her mouth, her hot tongue seeking mine.  
  
 _  
Shut the fuck up_ , I told the voice firmly, and I deepened the kiss.  
  
  
Bella's reaction was instantaneous -- she wrapped her legs around my torso and kissed me back enthusiastically, pulling me even closer, one hand leaving my hair to grab at my shoulder, and I dimly felt the light sting of her fingernails digging into my skin. It was fantastic. I was so hard that it almost hurt.  
  
  
She broke off to gasp for air, and I took the opportunity to trail my lips gently along her jaw and down her neck, stroking her face, remembering how she'd shivered the last time I'd done that, when it was all pain and fear and it felt like the world was ending. Now it was more like the sun was rising and it was _so much better_ this way. I flicked my tongue against where her pulse still beat wildly in her throat. Bella moaned and her legs squeezed tighter around me, sending an electric current through my body, making me want to rush, to follow the drive in my blood that told me to shove her onto the mattress and start thrusting. But I didn't. It would be different this time. So I left soft little butterfly kisses against her collarbone, barely touching her skin, then suddenly she yanked at my hair and hissed, " Stop _that._ "  
  
  
I pulled away in shock. "What's wrong?" Hadn't I been doing it right?  
  
  
Her face was set with something like anger. "Do you want me?" she demanded.  
  
  
"Of course." Like she had to ask.  
  
  
"Then _prove it._ " This was a new Bella, one I'd never seen before. One who looked like she'd been frustrated for a very, very long time. "I am _so sick_ of being treated gently that I could scream. Don't _you_ start doing it too. _Show me_ how much you want me."  
  
  
Done.  
  
  
Our mouths met again with bruising force as I dropped my hands to her waist and ground her hips against me. I lifted her up, pushed her backwards until she was flat on her back, and covered her body with mine. "I want you," I assured her roughly. She arched against me, pressing her pajama-clad breasts against my bare chest, and I almost lost it completely. "I've _always_ wanted you." Keeping one hand at her waist, I tangled my fingers into her hair, pulling her head back to expose her throat, leaving not little butterfly kisses but hot, open-mouthed strokes. She tasted like sweat and something sweet. "I always _will_ want you."  
  
  
Bella moaned and scraped her nails down my back. I grinned against her shoulder. _I_ did that. _Just me._  
  
  
Then, suddenly, her arms weren't around me anymore, and she was trying to sit up. I leaned back on my knees uncertainly -- had I screwed up again? -- but, no, she was just moving her hands to the front of her ladybug pajamas. She started to shakily undo the buttons. My eyes widened as inch after inch of milk-white flesh came into view.  
  
  
For a moment, nerves started to overtake lust. The furthest I'd gone with a girl, up until this point, was the time I felt up Stephanie Winters in the parking lot outside the gym at Homecoming my sophomore year. She'd tasted like peppermint gum and her bra had so much push-up to it that I'd mostly just gotten handfuls of foam. Since then it had been all Bella in my head, and now she was taking off her shirt, and I only got one shot at a good first impression, so I sure as hell hoped I could--  
  
  
\--the last button came undone, and Bella pulled her pajamas apart, exposing small, pale breasts and rosy nipples and smooth stomach.  
  
  
I stared, and her usual pink flush appeared, but now I could see that it extended across her whole chest, over the peaks and valleys, nearly to her navel. I bit my lip and tried to focus, because if I didn't, I was going to come before I'd even gotten my clothes off and that would _suck_. _Here I go again on my o-o-own, goin' down the only road I've ever known..._ I didn't even know if the mind-block would _work_ here, but I had to try _something._  
  
  
"Um, Jake?" Bella said. I snapped my eyes to her face, and she was steadily turning redder and redder. "I... I've never... am I okay?"  
  
  
"Oh, honey," I told her, "you are _so much more_ than 'okay'."  
  
  
Her smile was brilliant as she leaned back onto the bed.  
  
  
Okay. Not too gentle or Bella would get upset, but not too fast or I wouldn't be able to hold out. The sensible place to start seemed to be right around her belly button, so dropped my lips to the soft skin of her belly, touched my tongue to--- _ohhh._  
  
  
"Jake?" Bella's voice was alarmed. "Jake, what's wrong?"  
  
  
"Nothing," I said tightly, my eyes squeezed shut. _Like a drifter, I was born to walk alo-o-one..._  
  
  
There was a beat, then Bella said, "You're singing hair metal again, aren't you."  
  
  
I opened my eyes and peeked up to see her fighting back a grin. "Kinda," I said sheepishly. "Sorry. You just... smell really good."  
  
  
"Well, _that's_ a first," she said dryly. "I was half expecting you to tell me to take another shower."  
  
  
"Very funny," I growled. "I mean you smell good _here_." And I ducked my head and pressed a kiss about four inches below her navel, through the thin fabric of her pajamas. A heady scent filled my senses -- and millions of years of evolutionary instinct told me exactly what it was I was smelling and what I was supposed to do about it. I had to press my hips into the mattress to take the edge off the pressure building in my body.  
  
  
Then Bella raked her hands through my hair and moaned again. "Jacob..."  
  
  
 _And I've made up my mi-ind, I ain't wastin' no more ti-ime..._  
  
  
I might not have known a _whole_ lot about bedroom techniques (the perils of not having internet at home, everyone in the _world_ got to watch porn but me), but I knew enough to put my mouth to her breast, lapping my tongue against one pink nipple. Bella's moan changed rapidly to a gasp and her fingers tightened compulsively in my hair. I _loved_ it when she did that. I loved _her_. I _wanted_ her. She loved and wanted _me_. Everything else could just go to hell.  
  
  
Bella was squirming, her breath coming in sharp little pants. I placed one palm firmly on her ribcage between her breasts, trying to hold her still, afraid that if she moved too suddenly I might scrape her with my teeth and hurt her. I also took the opportunity to change from lapping to sucking, and her gasps transformed into a high-pitched cry. Wow. She was like a musical instrument -- if I changed where I touched, her noises changed too. I wondered what _other_ sounds she made. My lips left her nipple, and I kissed my way along the underside of her breast, moving along her ribcage...  
  
  
It was about this time that I noticed one of her hands had gone missing. I glanced down, and-- _Holy shit._ Bella's fingers were beneath her pajama bottoms. I could see the faintest outline of them as they moved beneath the fabric. _Bella was touching herself._  
  
  
I groaned and buried my face in the mattress by her side. _Here I go again on my o-o-own..._  
  
  
Bella froze, her whole body stiffening. "I'm sorry," she whispered quickly, and I felt her arms move to cover her chest. "I'm sorry, I'm doing too much--"  
  
  
"What?" I raised my head and looked at her incredulously. "Where did you get _that_ idea?" I took in her suddenly trembling body, the way she was pulling her shirt closed -- and I recognized the look on her face. It was the same one she'd had when she fell off the motorcycle and started apologizing for the wound on her head.  
  
  
When I saw Edward Cullen again, I was going to beat him until he bled stolen blood.  
  
  
"Bells," I said softly, my hand still on her sternum, keeping her from rebuttoning her pajamas, "believe me, you're not doing too much. Well, you kind of are, but not really. I'm just trying not to come in my pants, okay?"  
  
  
She blinked. "Really?" She sounded hesitant.  
  
  
"Really," I confessed, and humiliatingly enough, I felt my cheeks heat up. I was surprised I had enough blood left to blush. "It's kind of embarrassing."  
  
  
Bella studied me, a little frown on lips still swollen from kisses. "I don't want you to be embarrassed," she said after a moment.  
  
  
"I don't want you to be embarrassed either," I said. "So... let's just not be, okay?"  
  
  
Her ribs vibrated as she giggled nervously. "It's not quite that easy, Jake."  
  
  
"You always think that, when it really _is_ ," I countered. "See? Watch." I took hold of her wrist, kissed her knuckles (there was that scent again, holy God), and gently guided her hand back into her pajama bottoms. I covered her fingers with mine and pressed them back into her flesh, and she gasped into my ear. "Told you," I whispered against her skin. "Not embarrassing at all."  
  
  
She shook her head wordlessly, wetting her lips. "No," she said. "Not embarrassing." Then she studied me again, and before I knew it, she'd moved her hand out from under mine, put her palm flat against the back of my hand, and pressed _my_ fingers against her. "How about you?" she said, and there was an almost smug look on her face. "Embarrassed?"  
  
  
I couldn't answer with anything except a breathless " _Fuck_." Bella was warm and slick, not water-wet, more like oil, and softness, and folds, and it was the best thing I'd ever felt in my life... and _I had no fucking clue what I was doing_. There was a particular spot I was supposed to be looking for, right? Holy _shit_ , I'd paid really close attention in health class to this part, but now my mind was going too fast...  
  
  
Bella was watching my face closely. After a moment, she said, "Need help?"  
  
  
I nodded and tried not to die of mortification.  
  
  
Bella gave me the sweetest smile I'd ever seen, and when I looked at her in shock, she blushed. "It's just nice not to be the slowest kid in the class for once, is all."  
  
  
"Gee, thanks," I said sarcastically.  
  
  
"I mean it in the best possible way. Here." She moved her hand so that it lined up with mine, then pressed my middle finger with hers as though she were playing the piano. It slipped between her folds and we both moaned at the same time. "Okay," she said breathlessly, guiding my finger up across heat and wetness until it came to a hard nub that felt kind of like a pencil eraser. "That's--"  
  
  
"I know what that is," I said quickly, trying to recover at least a little bit of my dignity. Just because I didn't know how to _find_ it didn't mean I didn't know what it _was_. On the positive side of things, all this humiliation was keeping me from focusing too much on how close I was to exploding into a million pieces. I circled the tip of my finger around the nub slowly. "Like this?"  
  
  
Bella's breath hitched. "Y-- yeah," she stuttered. "Yes. That's not how I usually-- but yeah-- _oh_ \-- that works fine."  
  
  
Ah, _there_ was the confidence again. I kept up the slow circles and maneuvered myself so that I was half on top of her, pressing my length against her thigh, managing thank God to not thrust against her. "So, you do this to yourself a lot?" I whispered, tracing the shell of her ear with my tongue.  
  
  
She turned her head slightly and gave me a defensive look. "It's been a long year, okay?"  
  
  
I almost made a smug joke, but the expression on her face wasn't just defensive. It was defeated and miserable and ashamed. Holy _fuck_. "He doesn't touch you at _all_ , does he?" I said in amazement. I'd suspected they weren't doing _much_ , given the givens, but I'd thought surely...  
  
  
Bella bit her lip. "I don't-- I don't want to talk about that." She looked down at herself, and at me, as though suddenly realizing what we were doing.  
  
  
I had a moment of pure panic, certain that she was about to pull away, so I nipped my teeth at her earlobe to distract her and said, "Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt the lesson. What's next?"  
  
  
She didn't respond for a long, horrible moment, a moment I spent trying not to just throw myself on top of her and kiss her and attempt to wipe away every trace of _him_ with a few brilliant maneuvers that I'd not thought of yet. But then her body relaxed, and her fingers went back to pressing mine. I almost wept in relief. "Okay. So, like this..." She guided me away from the little bundle of nerves to the slickest, warmest--  
  
  
"I _definitely_ know what that is," I said, and slipped a finger inside her, holding back a groan as I did so. Bella inhaled sharply and pushed herself into my hand, which I was pretty sure was a good thing, but I still asked, "Too much?"  
  
  
"No," she said, shaking her head from side to side, "no, it's not too much." She moaned helplessly as I slid my finger in and out, and my hips bucked against her thigh involuntarily. So much for not humping her leg like a dog. Goddamn, I was seriously going to die if I didn't come soon. _Goin' down the only road I've ever kno-own..._  
  
  
Wait. "I'm not hurting you, am I?" I asked, feeling like an idiot for not being considerate of this earlier. If she'd never done this with anyone else then it would be painful, right? Would there be blood? I hoped not, she _hated_ blood, _that_ would bring things to a stop pretty quickly--  
  
  
"Hmm?" Her eyes were glassy as she looked at me. "It's not... oh," she said with sudden comprehension. "Oh, _that_. No. I, um... took care of that myself." When I blinked, she winced with embarrassment. "It just kind of... happened, since I was doing a lot of..." Her fingers flexed against mine, making the point. Then she looked at me anxiously and said, "Are you disappointed? I mean, I guess I won't be quite so... tight, or whatever." She'd gone well beyond a blush now. Her chest was turning scarlet.  
  
  
She thought this was _disappointing_? Fucking hell. It was the best news I'd ever heard. "I wasn't exactly looking forward to that part, Bells," I said. "And believe me," I slid a second finger into her, and her muscles clenched around me, "you are _plenty_ tight."  
  
  
Bella made a little choking noise, then gasped out, "Press _up_." Up. Okay, up meant towards her front, right? I obligingly curled my fingers, rubbing them against the little ridges of her walls as I worked my fingers in and out of her, and then... Bella went to pieces. I watched in wonder as her hips shook, her free hand holding onto my arm, her body convulsing around my fingers and wetness running all over my hand, her breath coming in sharp little pants as she whispered a litany of " _don'tstopdon'tstopdon'tstop_ " (as though there was any chance of that) until she couldn't form words any more and just... _squeaked_. After about thirty seconds, her body gave one final shudder, and she fell back bonelessly against the mattress.  
  
 _  
Holy fucking shit._ I made Bella come. There weren't words for this. I wriggled just a little bit, scooting my hips away from her thigh, because if I so much as rubbed up against her it was all over for me.  
  
  
"Okay, okay, stop, stop," she panted, grabbing hold of my wrist and tugging. I pulled my fingers out of her obligingly, and she shivered as I did so. Her breasts rose and fell as she fought for breath. She was the most gorgeous thing I'd ever seen. And I wanted to be inside her more than I'd ever wanted anything in my life.  
  
  
"Bella," I whispered, bringing both hands up to cup her face. I was smearing her juices on her cheek, but what the hell, we were both going to need showers anyway. Her eyes were bright. "Bella, can I make love to you? Please?" If she said no I was going to drop dead on the spot. I wondered who would give the eulogy at my funeral. Leah would be the only one who would know what had happened, and she'd probably throw a rock at my casket.  
  
  
Leah. Shit. Right. I shouldn't do this, I shouldn't, bad idea, _bad idea--_  
  
  
Then Bella nodded and kissed me, murmured "Yes" against my lips, wrapping her arms around my neck, her tongue diving into my mouth and her bare breasts rubbing against my chest. The hell with Leah and the hell with bad ideas. What happened would happen. I'd figure all that shit out later. Right now, Bella was half naked and post-orgasmic and willing to relieve me of my virginity, and that was all that mattered to me.  
  
  
"Maybe you should be less dressed," she suggested.  
  
  
I nodded. "Right." I let go of her reluctantly, rolled onto my back, and pushed my sweats off. Cool air hit my naked body and made me twitch. At the same time, Bella sat up, pulling off her shirt entirely, looking down at my hips and--  
  
  
\--she started to laugh. She clapped a hand over her mouth, but the giggles kept escaping anyway.  
  
  
"What?" I said sharply. I mean, shit, did she have to _laugh_? It wasn't like I was in running for the Guinness Book of World Records or anything, but I was pretty sure I didn't have anything to be ashamed of in the size and appearance department... right? I mean, I was naked often enough, so if there was something seriously _off_ about me, wouldn't one of the guys have said something by now? Quil and Embry would have come up with a whole set of nicknames...  
  
  
"Sorry," Bella said from between her fingers, shaking her head, her eyes watering with her laughter. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to, but, Jake, that is _never going to fit._ "  
  
 _  
Oh._ I tried not to look to relieved. "Bells, honey, I wouldn't worry about that."  
  
  
"No, Jake, seriously, two fingers is hard enough, there is _no chance_ \--"  
  
  
"People have been doing it for a really long time, and I'm pretty sure this is the way it's supposed to work."  
  
  
"But--"  
  
  
"But nothing," I said firmly, and hooked my fingers into the elastic of her pajama bottoms, sliding them off her hips. "It'll be fine, Bella, I promise." I barely noticed her skeptical little noise, because now she was naked below the waist, kicking her pants off, exposing a little patch of soft brown hair and the most amazing smell and... okay, I really needed to get a closer look. I leaned over and kissed her belly, over and over, trailing a line down to--  
  
  
Hands pulled at my hair. "No. Don't do that. Please."  
  
  
I raised my head. "Why not?"  
  
  
"I... I just..." Bella's face was suddenly shy. "It's... maybe later, okay? But not yet. It's just... kind of..."  
  
  
"Okay, not yet," I said. Bella was naked and feeling self-conscious and that was fine, because she'd just said 'maybe later' and that meant there _was_ a 'later' and thank God for that, because I had a _lot_ more I wanted to do with her. I reversed direction, kissing my way up her front, pausing to nibble at each breast before coming back to her mouth. "It's okay, Bells. It's just me, you know."  
  
  
She smiled, and it was the best Bella-smile I'd ever gotten. "Yeah, I know." Then she looked down at me again, studying, and it was my turn to be self-conscious. I was so hard that I throbbed painfully with every heartbeat, and right now, there were a _lot_ of heartbeats. Finally, not taking her eyes off me, she said, "That's because of me?"  
  
  
I nodded. What, did she think I just sported wood like this for no reason? I wasn't twelve anymore...  
  
  
Bella wet her lips, then reached down and, very slowly, trailed her fingertips from my base to the tip. I gasped as sensation shot through me, then grabbed her wrist and pulled it away before I went ahead and blew my wad from the shortest handjob in the history of the world. "Too much, honey," I managed to say. _And I've made up my mi-ind, I ain't wastin' no more ti-ime..._  
  
  
"Really?" She looked absurdly pleased with herself.  
  
  
Okay. It really needed to be now, or it wasn't going to happen at all. "Just so you know," I warned her, positioning myself on top of her fully, propping myself up on my elbows so I wouldn't crush her with my weight, "this, uh... probably isn't going to last very long." Three thrusts, if I was really, really lucky, and thought about the Mariners' seriously depressing win-loss record. Even then, though...  
  
  
"I don't think this is going to work, Jake," Bella said.  
  
  
No, no no no, it _had_ to work or I was going to have a stroke. It could _not_ be healthy for my heart to be beating this fast. "Yes it will, Bells, I swear."  
  
  
"No," she said, giving me a slightly condescending look, "I mean you're too tall and I'm too short. See?" She wriggled beneath me (I moaned as she did, I couldn't help it, her naked body against mine was so fucking _much_ ) until our hips were aligned. Huh. She was right. Her face was pressed against my chest and I had to twist my neck painfully to see her. I wanted to see her.  
  
  
Luckily, we had options. "Right," I said, and I put my hands behind her shoulder blades and rolled over onto my back.  
  
  
She settled on top of me, one knee on each side of my waist, and nodded approvingly. "Okay, this is better."  
  
  
Her thighs were squeezing my sides, her crotch was slick against my stomach, her hair was falling over her breasts. Holy God. "Bells, I'm gonna start begging here in a minute," I said hoarsely.  
  
  
Bella gave me a surprisingly wicked smile, one that I _liked_. "You know, that kind of sounds like fun."  
  
  
"Later," I promised, mind swimming, hands clutching at her waist. "Later, I'll beg as much as you want me to, but right now--"  
  
  
"All right, just... wait a second." I gritted my teeth -- _wait a second_ , shit, did she have _any_ idea what she was doing to me? -- and closed my eyes, because if I watched... I felt her body pull away from mine, felt her legs shift against my sides, felt her take my length in hand ( _here I go ag-a-ain..._ ), felt slickness rub across me, then _the tightest, wettest warmth in the world, oh holy fucking God--_  
  
  
"Ouch," Bella said.  
  
  
My eyes flew open. She was wincing. "You okay?" I managed to say, trying not to clench my hands and leave bruises on her hips.  
  
  
"I'm okay." Her eyes closed and she nibbled on her lip. "Just don't move, let me get used to it."  
  
  
As though it were _possible_ to get used to this sensation. There was no amount of eighties music that was going to help me here. I stared at the ceiling, feeling sweat roll off my forehead, trying desperately to fight down the instincts that were telling me to shove as hard and deep into her as I possibly could, that that was how it was _meant to be done_ \--  
  
  
Then Bella placed her hands on my chest, raised herself a couple of inches, lowered herself back down. "Oh," she gasped. "That feels good."  
  
 _  
Thirty seconds_ , I begged my body. _Just give me thirty seconds of this, please oh please oh please--_  
  
  
Bella started to rock back and forth, grinding her hips into mine. Then she leaned forward and draped herself over my chest, her hair falling all over me. "Jacob," she said breathlessly, her face flushed, "you feel _so hot_."  
  
  
My fingers dug into her flesh as I thrust up into her, over and over, hard and fast and warm and slick and I was saying something but I wasn't sure what and then fire shot up my spine and speech was impossible and she raked her fingers through my hair and I spurted into her and if I was ever sure of anything it was that I was put on earth to do this to her, we were put on earth to do this to each other...  
  
  
When I came back to my senses, Bella was still running her fingers through my hair, as softly as she had when she brought me pancakes. And she was looking at me like she'd never seen me before. "What?" I said, still trying to catch my breath.  
  
  
She shook her head. "Nothing. You're just..." Her face was still too pink to blush, but I was pretty sure she would be if she could. "You're... I don't know. You're _something_." And she smiled.  
  
  
"You're something too," I replied honestly. I took my hands away from her waist finally, glanced down, and goddamn it, there were red marks on her pale white skin. "Does it hurt?"  
  
  
Bella moved her hips experimentally, then shrugged, her chest damp and slick against mine. "Yeah. But it's okay. I told you..." She trailed off, staring at me in shock, eyes wide. Her hair was still in her face. _I loved her_.  
  
  
"What did you tell me?" I couldn't remember. I tried to search my brain when it still didn't have nearly enough blood flow, wondered if it was too early to kiss her again.  
  
  
"You didn't treat me gently _._ " She said it like it was the most astonishing thing she'd ever heard of.  
  
  
Oh. "Well, yeah," I said, confused. "You asked me not to, right?"  
  
  
To my serious alarm, Bella's eyes filled with tears, and she hid her face in my neck. Oh, shit, what had I done? "Should... should I not have listened?" I asked hesitantly, stroking the soft skin of her back.  
  
  
She shook her head against my shoulder. "No, Jake, it was _exactly_ what I wanted. It _all_ was. It felt great."  
  
  
"Um, okay..." I had the fuzzy feeling that I ought to understand what this all meant, but I really wasn't capable of much in the way of constructive thought at the moment. Mostly, all I could focus on was that Bella felt really good, my neck was getting very wet, and we were both really sticky--  
  
  
Sticky.  
  
  
Oh, _shit_.  
  
  
Leah was going to _kill me_.


	7. Wherein Bella shows faith in Jacob's carpentry skills and Jacob proves something.

[ _you're not sure you'll open the door / to step out into the dark_ ](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NvokOD-EnMw)   
_Arcade Fire, "Ready To Start"_

  
  
  
I stared at the ceiling.  
  
  
Okay.  
  
  
Okay.  
  
  
Well.  
  
  
Huh.  
  
  
So.  
  
  
Yeah.  
  
  
"Bells?" I said hesitantly, turning my head to the side. She was face down on the mattress, where she'd shifted off my body several minutes ago. Well, not so much _shifted_ as _slid._ Sex, apparently, was a very messy business. "Honey?"  
  
  
She raised her face off of the blankets and blinked at me owlishly, her hair falling in tangled clumps over her face. "Hmmm?"  
  
  
"Bells, are you going back to sleep?" I asked, surprised. "It's not even noon."  
  
  
Bella shook herself slightly and yawned. "Oh. Sorry. Yeah, no, I'm awake, I'm awake."  
  
  
I took in the circles that were still under her eyes, glanced down her bare back and saw the way her ribs showed through her skin. (I also got my first real look at her extremely fine ass. Fuck. Later, later, later.) "Okay, Bella, seriously, how much sleep have you been getting?"  
  
  
She laid her cheek on the mattress, facing me. "Not much," she confessed quietly. "A few hours a night."  
  
  
"For how long?" Bella didn't answer, and then I remembered what she'd said _before_ , when I hadn't been doing much in the way of information processing. "Oh. Since the tent?"  
  
  
She nodded and the blanket bunched a little around her head. "I... I don't know. I was warm, and since then..." She didn't finish the sentence, but she didn't have to. Bella wanted warmth, and Cullen was cold, so (being Bella) she was lying awake and freezing each night instead of sending him away.  
  
  
I rolled onto my side and threw an arm around her, and she snuggled into my embrace. "You can sleep with me, Bells," I said, brushing my lips against her forehead.  
  
  
"Thought I did already," she deadpanned.  
  
  
I snorted. "Okay, I set myself up for that one." I felt her smile against my skin. "But, honey, really, if you want to get some rest, you know I'll keep you warm." Keeping Bella warm was rapidly becoming the focus of my life.  
  
  
She sighed. "I know. But I don't want to sleep yet. I just..." She started pressing little kisses against my arm. "I'd rather stay awake with you."  
  
  
I shivered at the feeling of her lips on my skin. This was amazing. This was _unreal_. I was having the best, cruelest dream of my life. Bella Swan was naked in my arms and _wanted to stay there_. I'd finally had some kind of breakdown.  
  
  
Of course, there was also the all-kinds-of- _not_ dreamlike part of this scenario... "Bella, um... you _do_ realize what we just did, right?"  
  
  
Bella huffed out a slightly annoyed sigh against my bicep. " _Yes_ , Jake, I _was_ there."  
  
  
"No, I mean..." Fuck, why hadn't I brought condoms? _Because **this** wasn't supposed to happen._ "We kind of... did what we came here to do."  
  
  
Her body went very still against mine. There was a long moment of silence, then Bella quietly said, "Would it be the worst thing?"  
  
  
I knew that it _should_ be -- that, logically, we'd probably just done something really, really stupid -- but I couldn't make myself _feel_ it. There was _nothing_ that could be bad right now. "No," I whispered, and kissed the top of her head. "Not the worst thing."  
  
  
Bella pressed closer, her thigh rubbing against me, and I felt myself start to get hard again. I wasn't all that surprised -- I had wanted her for _so fucking long_ \-- but I wasn't remotely sure what _her_ reaction would be, so I rolled onto my stomach and pulled her to spoon against my side. She giggled and said, "Let's just live here forever, okay?"  
  
  
I blinked and raised my head to look at her. She was smiling. "Huh?"  
  
  
"Let's live here forever," she said again, looking at my hair, reaching up to run her fingers through it again. "We'll just stay and never go home. We won't go outside since I forgot an umbrella. We'll play Monopoly all of the time. It'll be great."  
  
  
This was a strange mood she was in, but hell, I'd never seen post-coital Bella, so maybe that was just the way she was. "I think the owners might kick us out after awhile, Bells."  
  
  
Her smile widened into a grin. "You're a werewolf. I think you can probably convince them to give up their property rights."  
  
  
"How would we eat?"  
  
  
"We'll order pizza."  
  
  
"And we'll pay for it how?"  
  
  
Bella gave me an exasperated look. " _Now_ who's over-thinking things?"  
  
  
"Okay, sorry, sorry." I kissed her wrist. "Somehow we'll get lots of free pizza delivered."  
  
  
"I'll answer the door naked," Bella said very seriously, though she couldn't stop the pink tint from reaching her cheeks. "The delivery boys will be so shocked that they'll forget to ask us for money."  
  
  
"No way," I said. I rolled her onto her back, then brought my mouth to within an inch of hers. "I don't think I want anyone else to see you like this." The _especially not **him**_ was implied. But I didn't say it out loud. I didn't want him here.  
  
  
"We'll come up with something else, then," she said, and as she formed each word, her lips brushed against mine. "You'll have to use your wolfiness again."  
  
  
"If I do that, the pizza guys probably won't want to deliver anymore."  
  
  
"I guess we'll have to switch restaurants," she said. "I like Chinese, too."  
  
  
"All right." I couldn't stop grinning. "Chinese it is."  
  
  
Bella raised her chin, bringing her lips to mine. She was so soft, and the throbbing ache in my groin got worse. I would never, ever stop wanting this. "And if _something_ happens," she said, smiling, "you'll just have to build on another room."  
  
  
I barked out a laugh and rested my forehead against hers. "Bella, I'm a mechanic, not a carpenter."  
  
  
"You'll manage," she said confidently.  
  
  
"And I think that at that point, we'd kind of need to leave, anyway," I pointed out. "Wouldn't you have to, like, be in a hospital with doctors and stuff?"  
  
  
"People have been doing _that_ part for a really long time, too," she countered. "It's just a lot of pushing. I'm sure I can figure it out."  
  
  
"And what if we keep having them?" I said, pushing my luck a little. _Three, not one_.  
  
  
"Then you'll just have to build _lots_ of rooms," Bella replied, eyes wide and innocent. "Or they'll have to share."  
  
  
"All right, fine." I brought my hands up to cup her cheeks. Fuck, I didn't know it was _possible_ to feel this good. " _I'll_ figure out the room building, _you_ figure out the birthing stuff, our kids will grow up eating Chinese takeout, and we'll just spend the rest of our lives as crazy forest-dwelling hermits. How's that?"  
  
  
"Now you're getting it." Bella buried her face in my neck and started to kiss soft little lines along my jaw. My breath hitched. "I like this place, Jacob. I don't ever want to leave. I don't want to deal with anything ever again. So let's just stay here, okay?"  
  
  
"Sure," I said, my eyes drifting closed. The feel of her mouth against my throat was making it hard to think. All my blood was rushing south. "We can do that." I brought my hands up to fondle her breasts -- _holy shit_ , I got to touch Bella's breasts like it was nothing, like I had every right to do so, like she was _mine_. And she was. Though I should probably check on that again. "Do you still want me, Bells?" I murmured, rubbing my thumb over one rosy nipple, feeling it harden.  
  
  
She gasped. "Yes."  
  
  
This was manipulative, I knew it, but I didn't care, I wanted to hear it so badly. "How about love?" I gave her nipple a pinch, and she arched into my touch. "Do you still love me?"  
  
  
" _Yes._ " Her hand clenched against my arm. "I still love you. I love you. _Jake..._ "  
  
  
Oh, _God_.  
  
  
I lifted myself onto my elbows and pulled her beneath me, dropping my mouth to her breast, sucking hard. Bella arched again at that, inhaling sharply. She liked it. I wanted to figure out _everything_ that she liked. I didn't care how long it took, I'd learn the details of every single nerve ending on her body, and then go back and check them a second time to see if anything had changed.  
  
  
"Jake?" she said breathlessly.  
  
  
"Mmm?" I massaged her other breast, squeezing gently, running my fingers over her smooth skin.  
  
  
"Jake--" my name was more like a moan and I _loved_ it "--can we move?"  
  
  
"What?" I lifted myself up a little more, taking my weight off her body as much as possible. "Am I crushing you?"  
  
  
Bella laughed. "No, I mean, you're hanging off the bed." She turned her head to look down my side, and I noticed for the first time that my legs had never entirely made it onto the mattress. Huh. "It looks uncomfortable."  
  
  
"I wasn't really paying attention." I sat up to let her turn and scoot towards the head of the bed, resting back on the pillows, knees parted slightly and lips wet. She was _so_ fucking pretty.  
  
  
She stared at me, or rather, at the particular part of my anatomy that was most interested in the proceedings. "Again?" she said in surprise.  
  
  
"Not if you don't want to," I told her hastily. We'd already done it once, and it had seemed kind of uncomfortable to her in spite of everything, so I'd be perfectly happy with getting myself off... after getting _her_ off, hopefully. And then, if she decided to participate, if she wanted to add her hand to mine, I certainly wasn't going to be upset about not having more.  
  
  
"No," she said, "I just didn't realize... I thought men could only do it once a day, or something?"  
  
  
I shook my head, running my palms along her sides, learning the way her waist curved into her hips. "Bells, honey, I've wanted this for a _really_ long time. I'm pretty sure I can do it as many times as you'll have me." Over and over and over. I'd probably need to rehydrate around the two dozen mark. Maybe. Right now even _that_ seemed secondary. Who needs water when there's sex?  
  
  
"Oh." She flushed and looked at me uncertainly. "I guess... I don't know much about guys, do I."  
  
  
She was _adorable_ when she was embarrassed. I covered her body with mine again and peppered her collarbone with kisses. "I'll tell you whatever you want to know, Bella. Ask me anything."  
  
  
"What's the capital of Ecuador?"  
  
  
I raised my head from her chest and gave her an exasperated look. "Smartass."  
  
  
"Language," she said mock-reproachfully, swatting me on the shoulder. Then she said shyly, "Will you-- will you roll over?"  
  
  
"Sure." I pulled myself away from her body and rolled onto my back. Her eyes raked over me, and for all that sucked about having to turn into a giant wolf, I was thankful for the benefits of the physique. Bella seemed to like what she saw. I put my hands behind my head and didn't bother to keep the shit-eating grin off my face. "Just going to look?"  
  
  
"Maybe," she said, raising an eyebrow. "You said I could ask anything, right?"  
  
  
"Anything except South American capitals," I amended.  
  
  
"Right." She bit her lower lip, hesitated for a moment, then took my length in her hand and stroked lightly. "Does this feel good?"  
  
  
 _Does this feel good_. I nodded jerkily, trying not to buck into her touch. If I hadn't already come half an hour earlier, I certainly would have right now. Not even from the feel of her warm little hand wrapped around me, but from the expression on her face, the curiosity, the growing boldness. It was the sexiest fucking thing I'd ever seen.  
  
  
She stroked again, a little harder, and smiled when I groaned. "That too?"  
  
  
"Yeah," I managed to say. "That too."  
  
  
Her smile grew. "Well, then," she whispered, "how about this?" She leaned forward -- _wait, was she actually going to_ \-- and swirled her tongue around the tip of my cock.  
  
  
Holy fucking _shit_ \-- I made a strangled noise and fisted a hand into her hair. "God, Bells," I gasped out, "how do you know to do that?" Jeez, she didn't know how many times a guy could come in an afternoon, but she knew to do _this?!_  
  
  
She raised her head and gave me an odd look. "I know _of_ it," she said patiently, like she was explaining the alphabet to a small child. "I don't live in a bubble, Jake. It's just the _how_..." She swirled her tongue again and I stopped breathing entirely. "You said I could ask, so... am I doing it right?"  
  
  
I stared down at Bella's face, those brown eyes and how hard she was trying to look confident. I wanted to kiss her, but I couldn't bring myself to take her lips away from where they were. "You're doing it right," I assured her, and tried not to wince when my voice cracked. "You are _definitely_ doing it right."  
  
  
"Oh, good," she said, and she took me in her mouth and moved shallowly, slowly, _oh shit_ I took my hand out of her hair before I lost control entirely and just shoved her down onto me, this was _torture_ , the best torture ever, she was watching my face and her mouth made little wet noises and her tongue moved against me and I wanted to thrust and _fucking hell_ \-- "Stop, stop," I panted, pulling at her shoulder.  
  
  
Bella pulled away instantly, her eyes wide. "Sorry, did I do something--"  
  
  
"No," I shook my head and pulled her up my body until I could wrap my arms around her and hold her as close as I could without breaking her bones. "Sorry, that was me. I was... I didn't want to push you," I finished lamely. I couldn't quite bring myself to say _Honey, I happen to think you're pretty great at this but I'm guessing you're not quite ready to deep throat and I was about to start ramming myself into your mouth and possibly make you hurl all over me and that would have been really awkward._  
  
  
"But you liked it?" she asked anxiously.  
  
  
I looked at her in astonishment. She really did have some serious insecurity issues. " _Yes_ , Bells," I said, looking her in the eye and nodding vigorously. "I liked it."  
  
  
"And," she said, the worry fading from her voice, "you think you can go again?"  
  
  
"Definitely. Can you?" I asked, trying not to sound too eager.  
  
  
"Yeah, I think so." Bella leaned forward and kissed me, hot and open-mouthed, her tongue moving against mine, as she reached between us and slid onto me in one quick, deep movement.  
  
  
I almost choked. "Fuck, Bells, warn me when you're going to do that!" Oh, shit, she still felt good, and I might even be able to enjoy it for more than half a minute this time. And after all, it wasn't like the damage wasn't already done...  
  
  
Bella rocked her hips back and forth, sliding wetly against me. "Sorry... I just..." she said, her words broken up by little noises in her throat, "wanted to... give it another try." She leaned forward, and her breasts brushed across my chest. "Didn't get much chance to feel it last time."  
  
  
I could feel my face burning, even as I met each movement of her hips with a thrust. I was starting to get the hang of this. "Yeah, well," I muttered. "It happens."  
  
  
"I didn't -- _ah_ \-- mean it like that," she said, her face screwing up in concentration. "Just wanted more, is all."  
  
  
"More?" I held on to her hips as I sat up quickly, keeping myself snug inside her. "I can give you more." I lifted her thighs and wrapped them around me, grabbed her ass, and thrust up hard. I had some pride to recover. "How's that?"  
  
  
" _Oh_." Bella's eyes opened and her breath flew from her in a little gasp. " _Yes_. That's good." Damn right it was good. As she wrapped her arms around my neck I slammed into her again hard, rocking her body but keeping the pace slow. Then I did it again. And again. And again. My eyes closed and I started to lose count...  
  
  
Her grip tightened and through the haze of sensation I was pretty sure she liked this, but there had been times in our past when I'd thought she was enjoying herself and she wasn't, so I leaned my mouth to her ear and whispered, "You'll tell me if I'm hurting you?"  
  
  
Her head fell back as she moaned in reply, "I'll tell you if you're hurting me _too much_. Oh, _God_ , Jake, faster..." She squeezed her legs harder around me and tilted her hips, taking me in further than I'd realized she could.  
  
  
 _Holy fuck._ "Faster it is," I grunted, holding her waist steady as I sped up, unspeakably thankful that she hadn't asked for this the _first_ time because I would never have made it this far. As it stood, I was probably only going to expand my record from thirty seconds to about four minutes...  
  
  
...but four minutes seemed to be enough. Bella stiffened and her fingernails dug into my neck as she cried out, and _fuck_ _I could feel her clenching around me and getting slicker and hotter and everything suddenly tighter_ and I followed her off the edge with a shout and a few more uneven thrusts, letting my forehead drop onto her shoulder before collapsing back against the pillows, the world spinning.  
  
  
Wow.  
  
  
"Wow," Bella gasped, pushing sweaty hair out of her face.  
  
  
We stared at each other for a long moment.  
  
  
Disbelief crept into my body again, even as my head was still in the clouds. I couldn't believe she was here, with me, on top of me, letting me inside her, looking at me with that expression. "You're beautiful, Bells," I said, unable to come up with anything more flowery or articulate.  
  
  
She groaned -- not the sexy kind, the aggravated kind. "No, I'm not." She ran a hand gently over my stomach. " _You're_ beautiful. And Ed--" She stopped herself abruptly before she said his name, and I pretended I hadn't heard. "--I know what beautiful is," she finished, shaking her head, "and I'm not it."  
  
  
I was sure the bloodsucker would know the exact right thing to say here, a Lord Byron poem or something that would raise Bella's confidence and make her feel like a beauty queen, but I hadn't had a hundred years to practice my lines and anyway I always thought Byron was a whiny dipshit, so instead I grinned and said, "Are you questioning my taste, honey?"  
  
  
Bella looked up and raised her eyebrows sardonically. "You eat Frosted Flake-and-pickle relish sandwiches, so yes, your taste is not above reproach."  
  
  
With a sudden move I flipped us over, ignoring her squeal of surprise. " _You_ ," I said, pressing loud, smacking kisses into her neck, "are _much_ better than a Frosted Flake-and-pickle relish sandwich."  
  
  
"You're such a romantic," she said dryly.  
  
  
"I try."  
  
  
"Mm-hmm."  
  
  
"I'd even--" kiss "--go so far as to say--" kiss "--that you're better--" kiss "--than pancakes."  
  
  
"Okay," Bella said, wriggling away from my mouth but still smiling, "you _have_ to tell me what's up with you and pancakes. Do you have some kind of nutritional deficiency that's only fulfilled by maple syrup?"  
  
  
"No, I just really like them, is all." I wasn't quite ready to confess my little domestic bliss fantasies yet. In addition to potentially freaking her out, they were really, really corny. "Why? Don't you?"  
  
  
"Yeah, sure, I _like_ them, but you--" She was silent for a long moment, then her eyes widened slightly. "Jacob," her voice was soft, "did your mom make pancakes?"  
  
  
My breath stopped in my throat. God. _I..._ "I'm not sure," I said slowly. I tried to think for a moment, to shuffle through the steadily fading pictures in my head of my mother -- swimming at the beach, scolding my sisters, brushing my hair, and... standing in the kitchen, cooking, but I couldn't see _what_ she was cooking... "I don't know. I don't remember."  
  
  
I was trying so hard to focus, to bring those images to mind, that I almost didn't notice that Bella was pressing soothing kisses to the side of my face, over and over and over. When I _did_ notice, I turned to meet her, capturing her lips with mine. Bella's eyes drifted closed, but I didn't deepen the kiss, just worked my mouth against hers softly, enjoying the gentleness. There was nothing, _nothing_ more right than this.  
  
  
Except Bella's lips stopped moving against mine.  
  
  
I pulled back, feeling a flash of ridiculous panic -- _holy shit she's dropped unconscious what did I do?!_ \-- then realized almost as quickly that she was falling asleep again. I rolled away reluctantly and said, "Okay, Bells, you need a nap."  
  
  
She opened her eyes when I spoke and said, "Do not!" But the effectiveness of her words was somewhat undercut by the huge yawn that followed.  
  
  
"Do so." I sat up, dodging her embrace for what had to be the first time ever -- and hopefully the last. "Go on, rest up. I need a shower anyway, I'm kind of gross." Covered in sweat and stickiness and Bella's juices... okay, it wasn't gross so much as _awesome_ , but still somewhat socially inappropriate.  
  
  
"Stay?" she said sleepily, reaching for me.  
  
  
I groaned. "Bells, if I stay in bed with you, we'll just keep having sex."  
  
  
"And?"  
  
  
Okay, when she put it like that... "And," I said, trying to remind myself why that was a bad idea, "if we're having sex, you won't be sleeping. At least I hope not."  
  
  
"We can try doing both," she murmured, rolling onto her side.  
  
  
"Later," I said. "Right now, you're going to sleep, and I'm going to de-stickify myself." I rolled out of bed and stretched, taking the opportunity to look at her body from a slightly different angle, and noticed that I'd left another set of marks on her waist just above the handprints from earlier. "Oh, shit. Sorry, Bells."  
  
  
She glanced down at herself and traced a finger around the edge of one bruise. "It's fine." She looked up at me and smiled a slow smile. "I kind of like them."  
  
  
My mouth was open. I must've looked like a fish. Finally I managed to say, "You are _so_ fucking hot."  
  
  
"And you," she said solemnly, "have a dirty mouth."  
  
  
I rolled my eyes. "Well, I'll go wash it out with soap, then." I tossed a tangled sheet over her and went to take a shower before I gave up and just leapt back into bed.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
Bella slept for almost five hours. I watched her for a little while, enjoying the relaxed smile on her face and the way her chest rose and fell, but eventually I got bored and started rifling through the closet again. I found a deck of cards, a Scrabble box, and a checkers set. I had three glasses of water and ate the rest of the box of Frosted Flakes. I also pulled out the fire starters and decided it was a great time to be a pyro.  
  
  
By the time she woke up, I had a huge blaze going in the fireplace. "Jacob," she said, sitting up, "that's really _warm_."  
  
  
I turned to her and raised an eyebrow, doing a poor job of pretending not to stare at her breasts as the blankets fell from her torso. I could definitely go again. "I thought you _liked_ warm."  
  
  
"I do," she said, stretching, "but it's _summer_ and you've got a three-alarm fire going there. Are you planning to burn the place down?"  
  
  
"Of course not," I said, using the poker to turn over a log that was slowly disintegrating into embers. "Where would we live?"  
  
  
She was silent, and when I turned back to her, she was covering her chest with the sheet. My stomach dropped. Apparently, the post-coital Bella didn't make it through long naps.  
  
  
Slowly, though, she relaxed -- I could see the tension go out of her shoulders, and she didn't clutch the sheet so tightly. "We'd have to rebuild, I suppose," she said, the corners of her mouth turning up. "Set up a log cabin or something. But it would probably be cold in the winter, so let's just not set _this_ one on fire, okay?"  
  
  
I let out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding. "I'll keep a close eye on the sparks," I promised.  
  
  
"Good. Can you hand me that?" Bella pointed to her bathrobe, which was tossed over the back of the armchair.  
  
  
Oh.  
  
  
I stood, picked up the robe, and walked it to her slowly. When she took it from me, I ran my fingers through her hair, stroking my thumb against her forehead. "Do you need it?" I said softly, trying to act like it wasn't a loaded question.  
  
  
" _You're_ dressed," she pointed out, though she closed her eyes and leaned into my hand.  
  
  
"Only sweatpants." I smirked. "Go shirtless, and we'll be even."  
  
  
She smacked my side lightly. "Pervert."  
  
  
"So?"  
  
  
Bella smiled, but she still started shrugging into her robe, hiding her body from me. She faltered a little when she saw the look on my face, but she tied the sash anyway and said hesitantly, "I just... I mean, I'm not quite..."  
  
  
"Okay," I said, and I leaned down to kiss her forehead. "It's fine, Bells. Want me to put on a shirt, too?"  
  
  
She shook her head and smiled again. "Please _don't_."  
  
  
I grinned. "Good, 'cause you're right, it _is_ kind of hot in here."  
  
  
Bella giggled and stood up, wincing as she did. Shit. I felt guilty as hell about hurting her, but she said it was fine, so... I guessed I'd just have to trust her on that. "I'm going to go wash up," she said, shifting her weight and making a face as she did so. "I'm kind of... squishy." I snorted, and she gave me a dirty look. "What?"  
  
  
"Sorry, Bells," I said, not sorry at all. "I'm just not sure 'squishy' is the word people use for this."  
  
  
She stuck her tongue out at me like an eight-year-old. She could be so _cute_ sometimes. "Well, _I'm_ using it. So there."  
  
  
"Fine, fine." I threw up my hands in the air. "Can I call you Squishy, then? And you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy?"  
  
  
Bella stared. "Did you seriously just quote _Finding Nemo_ to me?"  
  
  
"It's a great movie."  
  
  
"Yeah, but now it's ruined! I'm going to think about... _squishiness_ whenever I see it!" She looked genuinely appalled.  
  
  
I just grinned.  
  
  
She rolled her eyes in disgust and shoved her way past me. "You are such a jerk."  
  
  
"But you love me anyway," I pointed out smugly.  
  
  
Bella stopped at the doorway to the bathroom, looked down at her feet, then looked back up at me. "Yeah," she said, and her smile was just a little bit sad. "I do."  
  
  
I exhaled in relief as soon as the door was closed. She hadn't taken it back. She _couldn't_ , I wouldn't believe her if she _did_ , but at least she hadn't even _tried_. Okay, so she was still nervous. That was fine. Couldn't expect that to go away instantly, right? It would take time. I had time now.  
  
  
Maybe a lot of time. Given that I might have just knocked her up.  
  
  
I couldn't be unhappy about it.  
  
  
I couldn't be unhappy about _anything_.  
  
  
I did, however, stir the fire just enough to let the flames die down a little. Bella was right, it would suck to just burn the place to the ground. It would probably burn all her clothes, though, so there were advantages. But it would also burn the bed. Maybe we could just make love in the Rabbit. It was small, but damn, if I could figure that out, it would officially make that car the best thing on four wheels to ever exist in the history of the universe.  
  
  
"I'm starving," Bella declared when she came back out of the bathroom. She headed straight for the kitchen and opened the refrigerator. "Did you make any lunch?"  
  
  
"Uh... no," I said sheepishly. I probably should have had something ready for her. Definite thoughtfulness failure on my part. "I ate cereal."  
  
  
"Healthy," she remarked. "I'll fix sandwiches." Hmm. I wondered what she'd use this time, given that all the Frosted Flakes were gone...  
  
  
A few minutes later, Bella handed me a plate, sat down in the armchair, and watched me expectantly. The sandwich had lettuce on it, I could tell that much, but beyond that... I shrugged and took a bite.  
  
  
Oh, _gross_. There was definitely yellow mustard -- I should _not_ have mentioned that -- and... something hard and bitter... "Okay, so what's in it?" I said, making a face.  
  
  
"Mustard, lettuce, and squares of unsweetened baking chocolate," Bella said smugly. "How's it taste?"  
  
  
"It's terrible," I admitted. Then I took another deliberate bite.  
  
  
Her expression fell and she gave me a revolted look. "Ugh. You _kiss_ me with that mouth."  
  
  
"Yep," I said happily, chewing.  
  
  
Bella made a disgusted noise and snatched the sandwich from my hands. "I'll fry the bacon for BLTs," she grumbled, walking back to the kitchen.  
  
  
"Giving up?" I called after her.  
  
  
"Not in this lifetime," she called back.  
  
  
Good.  
  
  
"So," she said when she sat back down, picking up the pack of cards and grinning wickedly, "ever played gin?"  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
"King me!" I said several hours later, leaning back on the loveseat and crossing my arms smugly. It had taken forever for the fire to die down, but the embers still crackled and provided more than enough flickering light by which to kick Bella's ass at checkers.  
  
  
"How are you doing this?" Bella complained, stacking a second black checker on top of mine. There weren't many red ones left on the board. "How can you win this many games in a row? Is it some kind of secret wolf thing?"  
  
  
"Don't be a sore loser, Bells."  
  
  
She narrowed her eyes. " _You're_ telling _me_ not to be a sore loser? Are you kidding?"  
  
  
"You beat me at cards, like, six times," I pointed out. "And I took it graciously."  
  
  
"Oh, please," she said. "You sulked."  
  
  
"Did not!"  
  
  
"Did so. You sulked like a little baby."  
  
  
"I do _not_ sulk," I... um... sulked.  
  
  
Bella snorted. "Yes, you do. Like when I stomped on your mudpies when you were five. You had the exact same look on your face then -- sulky."  
  
  
I stared at her. "You remember that?" I remembered it too, but it never occurred to me that she--  
  
  
Bella shrugged. "Hard to forget. It was the only time Charlie ever grounded me while I was visiting. He said it was mean to pick on boys littler than me." Then she grinned slyly. "It only lasted twenty minutes after we got home, though. I told him how sad I'd be to miss fishing the next day, and he caved instantly."  
  
  
"I'm not littler than you anymore," I said, stretching to make a point.  
  
  
"You will be," she retorted, "once I find a sandwich you won't eat. Three more years and I'm back on top."  
  
  
"You can be _on top_ whenever you want." When she shook her head in mock disdain, I smiled and said, "I've really missed you, Bells."  
  
  
She gave me a funny look. "What do you mean? You've seen me."  
  
  
"Yeah, but... not like this." I said, gesturing at her, at the half smile still on her lips. "Not the _real_ you."  
  
  
Bella went quiet for a long moment, absently playing with the checker pieces. The air suddenly felt heavier. "I've missed you too," she said finally, her voice barely above a whisper. "Before, when it was... when you were _my_ Jacob."  
  
  
I flinched. "I'm still that person, Bells."  
  
  
She shook her head. "No, you're not. I mean, _sometimes_ , but... no. You're the _Pack's_ Jacob now. And I'm... or I'm going to be..." She trailed off, biting her lip. "I don't know. It's all gotten so complicated."  
  
  
"It's not complicated," I insisted, trying to keep speaking past sick feeling of dread uncurling in my stomach. "You're the same person you were. You _are_. You just... never let it out anymore, is all." _You don't let it out because of **him**._ We both knew what I was thinking.  
  
  
She smiled in a way that made me hurt. "Has it ever occurred to you," she said, "that maybe the _other_ Jacob and Bella are who we actually are, and _this_ is what isn't real?"  
  
  
"No," I said without hesitation.  
  
  
Her brow furrowed. "What makes you so sure?"  
  
  
"Because we used to make mudpies together," I said, pushing the coffee table out of the way slowly. I wanted to touch her. I wanted to make sure she was still here, that she was still _real_ , that she was still _alive_. "And I remember the way you smiled when I sulked. I know which one is the real you."  
  
  
Bella looked at me, her eyes filling with tears. "We're not kids anymore, Jake. We grew up."  
  
  
"Well, _you're_ trying your hardest not to," I shot back. She cringed at my tone, and I was instantly sorry. Everything had been going well, and I'd just...  
  
  
I knelt in front of the armchair, my head nearly even with hers. Sometimes my height still surprised me. I had to touch her, so I pushed her hair back with my fingers. Bella's eyes drifted closed, which was enough for me. I leaned forward and kissed her neck gently, savoring the warmth, the way her pulse was beating under my lips. "I'm still your Jacob, Bella," I murmured against her skin. "I am." My hands went to the front of her robe, pulling at the sash the way I'd wanted to the night before. "Let me prove it to you." The cotton parted, and when I brushed my hand along her side I felt her heartbeat speed up. "Please."  
  
  
She nodded minutely, and I pushed her robe open before she could change her mind.  
  
  
I began by kissing my way down her neck, along her clavicle, dipping my tongue into the hollow of her neck as I stroked the soft skin of her thighs. I would show her, I would show her and she would understand who we were. I trailed my mouth down her sternum, pausing to suck gently at each breast, using my heat to my advantage as much as possible. Bella moaned. She loved warmth, she loved _me_ , I loved _her_ , we were made for each other, and I would show her.  
  
  
She tensed slightly as I moved my lips across the soft skin of her stomach, my knees sliding backwards. My hands pulled her thighs apart gently. "It's okay, Bella," I whispered, looking up at her flushed face, redder than usual in the glow from the fireplace. She stared back wide-eyed. "Let me show you."  
  
  
Bella gave me that tiny nod again, but there was considerably more nervousness behind it. I'd go slowly. I would prove it and she would understand.  
  
  
I started at her knee, brushing each inch of skin with soft kisses, steadily working inward. Her smell filled my head and I bit back a moan; I was painfully hard, but this wasn't about me, I'd hold myself back, I could do this for _her_ , I _wanted_ to do this for her. I found a sensitive spot halfway up, one that made her breath hitch -- I traced a figure eight over it with my tongue and tried not to smile when she dug her fingers into my hair with a gasp. Higher and higher, closer and closer, until...  
  
  
Okay. I put my hands to her hips and pulled her to the edge of the armchair, then slid them down to spread her thighs wider. I had to get this right on the first try.  
  
  
Luckily, it was a _lot_ easier when I could see what I was doing.  
  
  
Slow. I had to go slow. I leaned in and traced the flat of my tongue from bottom to top, and _fuck she tasted so good_ , like something raw and primal that I knew without knowing, and when she cried out I had to move one hand down to grip myself because I couldn't take it. But slow, I had to do this slowly, I had to take my time, all I wanted was time. So I tried it again, another soft stroke, feeling out the details of her folds, and Bella cried out again, her fists pulling tighter in my hair. I loved that.  
  
  
I dipped my tongue into her shallowly and she made a strangled noise and gasped, " _Fuck_."  
  
  
I almost came in my pants.  
  
  
Tracing the tip of my tongue north, I found the spot that she'd shown me earlier, gave it a long, slow lick, moving in a little circle. Bella swore again, so I kept going, moving one hand to hold her hips steady. I could do this, I could, I could prove to her that I was hers. We could do this forever if she would just _let_ me. I pressed the heat of my mouth against her skin, then let go of myself so that I could push two fingers into her, stroking, curling _up_.  
  
  
And Bella shattered in my hands. She arched against my touch and I held on, switching from licking to sucking, and her walls gripped my fingers as she climaxed, a litany of words coming out of her pretty mouth that I didn't even know she _knew_ , and as soon as she stopped shuddering I surged upwards to kiss her desperately, hoping she wouldn't care that my lips tasted like her, shoved my pants down to my knees and pushed myself inside her where she was _wet soft warm_ and she gasped and I came almost instantly, pumping raggedly as I hid my face in her neck and breathed in the scent of her hair.  
  
  
I let go of her knees with trembling hands and wrapped my arms around her midsection, hugging her tightly against me. We fit. " _This_ is who we are, Bella," I said, my voice shaking. "Tell me you understand."  
  
  
She nodded against my shoulder.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
When she crawled into bed, I followed her, afraid to give her the chance to say no. She relaxed when I wrapped my arms around her and fell asleep within moments. It took me a lot longer.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
I woke up to a knocking on the door. It took me a moment to remember where I was, what had happened, what was going to happen now. Then the stench of bloodsucker hit my nose, and something between rage and panic flashed through my veins. That fucker couldn't seriously be here first thing in the-- I checked the clock. Oh. It was eleven-thirty. Still.  
  
  
Another knock. "Bella?" The musical voice was surprisingly tentative.  
  
  
No. No no _no_.  
  
  
Bella was still asleep, though she made a groggy noise at the sound of her name, and when I compulsively pulled her tighter against my body, she opened her eyes. "Jake?" she said blearily, her voice thick. She'd slept solidly all night, I'd felt it. "What--"  
  
  
A third knock. "Bella," Cullen said softly, his voice carrying.  
  
  
Bella's eyes widened, and I felt her whole body tense in my arms. For a moment she was utterly still -- then she turned her face away from the door, turned it into my chest. When she squeezed her eyes shut I felt her lashes brush my skin.  
  
  
Holy shit. She wanted to _stay._  
  
  
"I'll get rid of him," I told her, pulling away, getting out of bed. Damn it, where the hell had I left my shorts?  
  
  
A harder knock. "Jacob." This time the voice was firm. Shit, he was reading my mind again. _Get the fuck out of here,_ I thought at him. _You're not wanted.  
  
  
"_ Jacob, _open the door_."  
  
  
 _At **least** give us a chance to put some clothes on_. I found the shorts halfway under the bed and pulled them on in a hurry.  
  
  
Bella rolled onto her side, curling up on the mattress like a child. When I kissed her on the forehead, she didn't react. "You should probably get dressed, Bells, in case he comes in," I said. She nodded without looking at me.  
  
  
When I opened the door, Cullen was standing an inch from my face -- or he would be if he was tall enough. I shoved him off the front step and back three feet, then closed the door behind me before he could look inside. "Get out of here, bloodsucker," I snarled, letting the wolf out as much as I could without phasing.  
  
  
Cullen's nose wrinkled at my proximity, then something murderous and miserable crossed his face. I probably smelled more like Bella than like dog. Too damn bad for him. "Your time is up," he said through gritted teeth.  
  
  
"Fuck you."  
  
  
"Let me see her _right now,_ Jacob," he spat, "or this will get unpleasant."  
  
  
 _Give me an excuse to kill yo_ _u_. The thought was only half-formed, but he couldn't have missed the meaning, and it was all that was in my head. At least he couldn't see anything of Bella that way. I didn't want him to see her. I wanted him _dead_. I wanted him in pieces and burning.  
  
  
Cullen seemed to relax at the familiar turn of my mind, though, and settled back into his customary coldness. "I would have killed you myself by now," he said quietly, "if it wouldn't hurt her. I would've thought you'd feel similarly about me."  
  
  
"She'd get over it eventually," I growled, shoving him back another three feet, towards the Swedish piece of shit parked on the gravel. " _Humans_ are remarkably resilient like that. Now _leave_."  
  
  
The door creaked open behind me, and Cullen raised his chin to look over my shoulder. His entire stance instantly relaxed. "Bella."  
  
  
I wanted to rip his tongue out of his head for even _saying her name_.  
  
  
Bella walked towards us hesitantly. She'd put on jeans and a t-shirt, and when she reached up to tuck her hair behind her ears, the fabric rode up and exposed an inch of fading bruise along her waist.  
  
  
Cullen's fists clenched at his sides. _  
  
  
I didn't do anything she didn't want_ , I thought viciously. _**Including** that._ For a second I almost thought about the feel of her hips under my hands, but I shoved it away and replaced it with fantasies of what it would be like to phase and rip Cullen's arms out of their sockets. The bloodsucker could look at _those_ images all he wanted.  
  
  
"Jacob." Bella's hand touched my bare arm. "Jacob, give us a few minutes."  
  
  
I stared at her. She _looked_ calm, even resolute, but she was chewing on her lower lip and her arms hovered around her midsection, as though she might wrap them around herself at any moment. _No no no._ "Bells--"  
  
  
"A few minutes, Jacob, okay?" She looked up at me with eyes that were still brown, not yellow or red, and I knew she wasn't asking permission.  
  
  
Absolutely not. _This is a bad idea. I don't trust him with you. I don't trust **you** with **him.** I won't let you do this. I'll drag you back inside if I have to. _Except it was already done, even though she didn't realize it. She was so good at lying to herself.  
  
  
"All right," I said out loud. I tried to glare at the leech, but he only had eyes for Bella. I supposed I could kind of understand that. Her hand squeezed my arm as I pulled away, and my whole body went cold in a way I didn't realize was still possible. Then I went back inside the cabin.  
  
  
I packed things mechanically, my clothes and her clothes and the remaining groceries. I got my toothbrush out of the bathroom.  
  
  
Then I sat down on the edge of the bed and waited.  
  
  
Five minutes.  
  
  
Ten.  
  
  
When she opened the door, I didn't wait for her to speak, just asked tonelessly, "When will you know?"  
  
  
Bella swallowed. Her face was covered in tear tracks. "About two weeks."  
  
  
"Will you tell me?"  
  
  
" _Yes_."  
  
  
I nodded. "Okay. I packed. Your stuff is right there."  
  
  
" _Jacob_ \--" her voice was choked "--I _can't_ \--"  
  
  
"Yeah," I said. "I know."  
  
  
Bella mouthed my name, but no sound came out. Then she picked up her bag and ran out the door. A moment later I heard the Volvo start in the driveway, and the crunch of the gravel as it drove away.  
  
  
I wished I could read something into the fact that she'd left her engagement ring on the table, but I didn't have it in me.


	8. Wherein Jacob makes it through a week and draws some blood in the process.

[ _i don't want you to try and save me / no i don't want you at all_ ](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZJVZgZQYpUo) _  
People in Planes, "If You Talk Too Much"_

  
  
  
  
On Sunday I got home at two, having spent the entire morning driving in the Rabbit. It was going to take forever to fix the damage to the shocks.  
  
  
Billy looked up when I walked in the front door. "Jacob, how was--" Then he stopped, hands on his wheels.  
  
  
"Hi, Dad." I dropped my bag and kicked off my shoes.  
  
  
"Camping didn't help much?" Billy asked slowly.  
  
  
"No." I headed straight for my room. "It didn't."  
  
  
I took the engagement ring out of my pocket and shoved it into my sock drawer, then spent the rest of the afternoon staring at the ceiling, trying to deal, but there was just too much to process.  
  
  
When I slept, I saw Bella's flushed face and bare skin, and I woke up pumping.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
On Monday morning I called Sam. (At Emily's, obviously. It wasn't like there was any point in calling anywhere else. He didn't live there yet, but his toothbrush was certainly in her bathroom.) He picked up on the first ring. "Hello?"  
  
  
"Hey, Sam. It's Jake."  
  
  
"Oh, hey, man." Sam sounded surprised -- we didn't exactly use phones all that much anymore, since it was so easy to send messages via Pack Hivemind -- but since we were phasing a lot less these days old-fashioned communication was coming back. I didn't mind. It was better this way. They had no business being inside my head. Hell, even _I_ didn't want to be inside my head. "What's up?"  
  
  
"I'm supposed to patrol today," I said, checking the cabinet for cereal, slamming it shut when I saw we only had Frosted Flakes, "but I was wondering if I could swap with Jared for tomorrow." No point in talking to Jared directly -- the Alpha made these calls. Besides, I didn't know Kim's phone number. (His toothbrush would be in her bathroom, too, if her parents wouldn't've lost their shit about it.)  
  
  
"No problem," Sam said. "You all right?"  
  
  
"I'm fine." It was a shitty lie, but whatever. "Just had a long weekend, could use an extra day off."  
  
  
"Okay. I'll get in touch with Jared. You _do_ know he was set to go with Leah, right?"  
  
  
"Yeah." That was kind of the whole point. "I don't care. It'll be fine."  
  
  
"Good." Sam paused, then said, "You know, I'm really glad you two are starting to get along, because it makes things a lot--"  
  
  
"We're not _getting along_ , Sam," I broke in. _Getting along_ was really not the way to put it. Especially given that she was probably going to kick my ass and leave me in a bloody heap on the forest floor. "We're just... I don't mind patrolling with her, okay? I'd actually rather patrol with her from here on out, if you don't mind."  
  
  
There was a long moment, then-- "Sure, I can make that happen." His voice was odd.  
  
  
"Good. Glad to hear it." It would make things a lot easier. At least she already knew what was going on. I was so far beyond an eighties mindblock right now that it wasn't even funny.  
  
  
"Is there something going on that I should be worried about, Jake?" Sam asked, suddenly all business, the Alpha checking for threats to the Pack.  
  
  
"Nope," I said bitterly.  
  
  
Sam hesitated, then said in a different tone, "Jacob, tell me what the problem is."  
  
  
The hair bristled on the back of my neck. "Is that an _order_?"  
  
  
A pause, then a long sigh. "No," he said reluctantly.  
  
  
"Okay then. Thanks." I hung up the phone, laid down on the couch, and spent the day contemplating how much life sucked and generally feeling sorry for myself.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
On Tuesday afternoon, I met the grey wolf at the edge of the forest, and I didn't bother to try and block her. Hell, at this point, even people who _didn't_ have a free pass into my brain had to know what I was thinking.  
  
  
The grey wolf tilted her head to the side as I approached, and I slowed down, taking a lot longer than I really needed to, given that this was pretty much going to be awful. And I was right. As soon as I was close enough, she lunged forward and bit me on the foreleg. Pain shot up my body as I heard something crack. _OW! Fuck!_  
  
 _  
I don't even want to look at you,_ Leah snarled at me through her thoughts. She turned and started to pat her way through the trees. _Let's just get this over with._  
  
 _  
I didn't mean to,_ I responded, limping after her. It sounded weak even to me.  
  
 _  
So, what, it was an accident? You tripped over something and your dick just **happened** to fall into her cunt?_  
  
 _  
No._ The throbbing in my leg was actually a welcome distraction, which probably didn't say anything good about my state of mind. _It wasn't an accident._  
  
 _  
Then don't come crying to me for sympathy._ Leah sped up, hopping over a log, clearly trying to take the route that would jar my injury the worst.  
  
  
 _I'm not_ , I insisted. _I... just..._ Oh, God, unbearably pathetic as it was, I _was_ crying for sympathy. I was a wreck and there wasn't anyone else.  Look _\--_  
  
  
Leah ignored me. _When she woke up late in the morning light_ , _and the day had just beg-u-u-un--  
  
_  
My eyes widened and my ears twitched. _Ugh. Stop it._  
  
  
 _\--she opened up her eyes and thought, oh what a mo-or-ning--  
  
  
Leah, seriously, Ace of Base? _ Holy shit, everyone was right, this music blocking thing really _was_ fucking annoying.  
  
  
She jumped over a branch and landed on a huge rock, and when I followed, sharp pain shot from my paw to my shoulder. She'd bitten deep, but it would heal in another few minutes. I hoped. _It's not a day for work oh, it's a day for catching tan, just ly-ing on the beach and having fun--  
  
  
_ _I can't believe you're even admitting you_ _ **know**_ _this song!_  
  
  
 _\--she'd going to get-cha, all that she wants is another ba-by, she's gone tomorrow, boy--  
  
  
_ I growled in my throat as a sickening misery settled into my stomach. _C'mon, Leah. Low blow.  
  
_  
The grey wolf padded to a stop, and her tail drooped. I felt a very, very short moment of an emotion that almost felt apologetic -- then it was gone again, and she kept going, picking up her pace to a run. _You did this to yourself, so live with it. I really don't give a shit. You're not my problem._  
  
  
I sighed. _Yeah_.  
  
  
Leah didn't speak to me for the rest of the afternoon.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
On Tuesday night I looked around my microscopic bedroom and wondered where there would be room for a playpen -- and which point I had a panic attack. (At least, I was pretty sure it was a panic attack. Having never had one, I couldn't be sure. My heart was racing and I couldn't breathe and I went light-headed. And I was, well, panicking. So it was probably a panic attack.) I ran to the bathroom and leapt into the shower with my clothes on, turning the cold tap on as high as it would go, barely feeling the temperature, barely hearing my father banging on the door asking if I was all right. I just stood there and let the water run over my face until the air came back into my lungs.  
  
  
When I came out, Billy was waiting. "Son, what the hell was that?" he demanded.  
  
  
"Hot flash," I mumbled before squelching back to my room and flopping face down onto the mattress in a soggy heap.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
On Wednesday evening the phone rang again. I eyed it suspiciously. Nothing good _ever_ came out of the phone these days. It kept ringing, and finally I picked up the receiver, prepared to slam it back down again if my chest started to hurt. You know, more. "Hello?"  
  
  
"Hey, dork!" Shit. Rachel. My stomach dropped. "How's it going?"  
  
  
"It goes," I said evasively, glad she couldn't see my face. "You?"  
  
  
"Can't complain, can't complain." Okay, she sounded like she was in a good mood, so Leah must not have called her. Thank God for that much, at least. "Summer semester is _finally_ over, but I got my ass kicked on the psych final."  
  
  
"That sucks."  
  
  
"It really does. Hey, did your voice drop _again_?"  
  
  
"Maybe. Haven't really been paying attention." I'd been more distracted by the other changes of puberty -- like, for instance, growing way, _way_ more hair than eight grade health class had prepared me for. Not to mention the claws.  
  
  
"It sounds like it has," Rachel said. "God, you almost sound like a _grown-up._ That's so _weird_."  
  
  
"How would you know?" I snapped suddenly, annoyed by her cheerfulness. "You never talk to me."  
  
  
There was a long pause, then a confused "Oooooookaaaaay..." from the phone. "Well, _any_ way, is Dad there?"  
  
  
"No. He's at Sue Clearwater's. You _did_ hear that Harry died, right?"  
  
  
" _Yes_ , Jake," Rachel said testily. "Dad told me. I _do_ call. You're just never _there_ when I do."  
  
  
"Okay. I just figured, since you didn't bother coming to the funeral--"  
  
  
"It was during midterms and I felt like shit about it, all right? Jesus, what's up your ass?"  
  
  
"Nothing." I blew out a breath and tried to be less of a douche. "Sorry. It's been a long--" _week, month, year_ "--day."  
  
  
"All right," she said, sounding unconvinced. "So, I was thinking I might come down for a couple weeks later this month, hang out a little before fall classes start. _If_ that's okay with you."  
  
  
"It's fine." I wished I could hop up on the kitchen counter like I used to, but now my head hit the ceiling whenever I tried. I settled for resting my forehead against the cabinet door. There were toast crumbs all over the place. I needed to wipe them up or we'd get ants again. "Dad'll be really happy."  
  
  
"And I guess I'll just avoid _you_ the whole time, huh?"  
  
  
"I _said_ I was sorry. Yeesh." Sisters.  
  
  
"Yeah, whatever." She paused, then made a little _I'm letting it go because I'm a nice person and aren't you so lucky_ noise and said, "Anyway, what've you been doing since last summer?"  
  
 _  
Well, I fell in love. And turned into a giant wolf. Then I tore a bunch of vampires -- oh, there are vampires, by the way -- into pieces with my teeth, except one of them crushed half my body and that hurt like a bitch. Then the girl I fell in love with decided to **marry** one of those vampires and I ran away for awhile but then I came back and stupidly agreed to have a baby with her and we had sex but it didn't change **anything** , and now I'm waiting to find out if she's pregnant and I don't know what's going to happen but overall I think I preferred getting my body crushed. Also people have been reading my mind like it's a goddamn library book and I really fucking hate it. Which reminds me, I haven't gotten around to my summer homework, so could you tell me how The Tale of Two Cities ends?_ "Not much."  
  
  
"Right." I could practically see Rachel rolling her eyes -- in my mind she was thirteen instead of twenty -- and she said, "When I get there, will you take a look at my car? It's starting to make some really funky noises."  
  
  
"Ah," I said. " _Now_ I see why you're coming home. Free repairs."  
  
  
"Naturally." There was another long pause, then Rachel said gently, "I _do_ want to see you, just for the record. I miss you, little bro."  
  
  
"Yeah. I miss you too." _It doesn't change anything._  
  
  
"Things might be different after I graduate. I'll come visit more, or something. Or you can come see me now that you've got your license, if Dad will let you." I managed not to snort. If she knew the things Billy let me do... "I think maybe Becca and I have left you alone too much."  
  
  
"I'm not alone," I said quickly. "Dad's here. And Quil and Embry, and Jared, and Sam--"  
  
  
"Oh, fuck, that's _right_ ," Rachel said suddenly. "What the hell happened with him and Leah? I tried calling her after Harry died and I asked how she and Sam were doing, and she just about took my head off--"  
  
  
"It's a _really_ long story," I warned. "You can ask her when you get here, but make sure you're wearing something bullet-proof." Kevlar _might_ hold up against Leah's teeth.  
  
  
"Okay. Fuck, I am _so_ out of the loop up here." Rachel sighed. "Is there going to be a place for me to sleep, or is my room covered in fishing gear?"  
  
  
"I'll get it cleaned out," I promised.  
  
  
"Thanks." She was quiet for a moment, then said, "Well, I'm gonna go. I'll see you in a few weeks."  
  
  
"Yeah. See you then. Say hi to Becca if you hear from her."  
  
  
"Will do." And she hung up.  
  
  
I let my head stay resting against the cabinet for a long time.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
When I moved the crap out of Rebecca and Rachel's old room into the garage, I took the engagement ring with the fishing lures and hid it under the allen wrenches. I was sick of staring at my sock drawer every night.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
On Thursday I was under the Rabbit, changing the oil and repairing the shocks, getting more and more aggravated. Next time I went into an angst-driven snit fit, I was _not_ going to fuck up my car, goddamn it. There had to be other options. (Like throwing a molotov cocktail through the window of a particular mansion out in the woods. Or something.)  
  
  
"Uh, Jake?" I glanced to the side and saw two pairs of feet in trainers. "I thought you had that all fixed up."  
  
  
"It keeps breaking," I grumbled.  
  
  
I heard Quil snort. "Bullshit. Things you fix never break again."  
  
 _  
_Yeah _, right._  
  
  
"So what are you actually doing?" he went on. "Adding rockets? Please tell me you're adding rockets."  
  
  
"Yes, Quil," I said, irritated. "I'm adding rockets. I'll get the speed up to six hundred miles an hour, then flatten my very carefully reconstructed automobile against a tree. Brilliant, huh?"  
  
  
Hands grabbed my ankles and yanked me out from under the engine, leaving my wrench dangling from a bolt. "Fuck, guys, if something rips out of this car I'm going to kill you both," I swore.  
  
  
"Whatever," Embry said. He crossed his arms like a school principal. "And just where have you been, sir?"  
  
  
"Here." Mostly.  
  
  
"You missed a seriously epic event," Quil said, grinning. "You're not going to believe this, but did you know that catching a frisbee in your teeth really _is_ awesome? I'm telling you, there's a _reason_ dogs do it all the time. We tried it out on Saturday night, had to use a hubcap of course, but it was _sweet_."  
  
  
"We're decided to start a Wolfpack Ultimate Frisbee League," Embry added. "It's about time we got to have some fun with all this Great and Noble Responsibility, you know? But, man, what happened to you? You would've lovedit. We looked everywhere. Your dad said you went camping, but all your shit was here in the garage, so obviously _that_ was an alibi."  
  
  
Great. "Did you tell him?" I asked.  
  
  
Embry gave me a disgusted look. "Who do you think we _are_?"  
  
  
"Fair enough." I stood up and wiped my hands on a towel. There was oil everywhere.  
  
  
"Hey, Embry," Quil said suddenly, narrowing his eyes, "don't you think Jake looks different?"  
  
  
Oh, _shit_. "No I don't," I said hastily.  
  
  
Embry stared at me hard for a moment, then his face split into a huge grin. "Oh, man, you _didn't_."  
  
  
"He totally _did_."  
  
  
 _Fuck._ I knew exactly where this conversation was going, and I didn't want anything to do with it. "I didn't do anything," I insisted. "I got out of town for the weekend. That's it."  
  
  
"Got out of town and got _laid_ _!_ " Quil crowed, clapping me on the back hard enough that I stumbled forward. My life was a lot easier back when we weren't quite so evenly matched for strength.  
  
  
"Wow, dude, you've got the same look that Jared had after that time he took Kim to 'look at the stars and talk'," Embry said, using air quotes. "Okay, he looked a lot goofier than you, but that's Jared. Seriously, they might as well stamp your forehead with a Scarlet A when you exit the V-Club, because it's _obvious_."  
  
  
I groaned. "You guys are so full of shit."  
  
  
"So who was she?" Quil asked, undeterred.  
  
  
"Did you imprint or something?"  
  
  
"You _have_ to tell us."  
  
  
This was a nightmare. This was a fucking nightmare. "Get out of here, both of you," I grumbled, kneeling down to throw my tools back into the box. "Don't come back until you stop acting like assholes."  
  
  
"Then you'll never see us again," said Embry cheerily. "Now cough it up or we'll beat it out of you, you know we will. It's two against one."  
  
  
"Seriously, guys, knock it off," I said desperately. "Believe me, you don't want to know." It was time to reconsider the whole Alpha thing again, it really was. With one word I could just _make_ them go away.  
  
  
"Bullshit, of _course_ we want to know--" Quil cut off suddenly, and his eyes widened. "Oh, shit, you didn't. Fuck, you _didn't_."  
  
 _  
Goddamn it_.  
  
  
Embry glanced at Quil, then back at me. "Are you serious? Did you actually--"  
  
  
"Okay, _fine_. _Yes._ " I rolled my eyes and prayed it would all be over with quickly. "Happy now? Will you please just leave me alone?"  
  
  
Quil was shaking his head in wonder. "Dude, that fucking explains _everything_. I can't believe you managed to kept it a secret. Sam's going to lose his shit."  
  
  
"You think I don't know that?" I growled as I got to my feet. Hell, at this point, I didn't even _care_. My hands were starting to shake. "We're finished here. You've had your fun, now _get the fuck out_."  
  
  
Embry eyebrows shot up almost to his hairline.  
  
  
"Okay, Jake," Quil continued, almost bouncing, "you've _got_ to come outside and phase. I _have_ to see this--"  
  
  
"Uh, Quil..." Embry said slowly.  
  
  
"--be as prudish as you want with the imagery, I mean, it's not like we really need to see any shit about _you_ , but seriously, you have to give us at least _some_ details. Jesus, she's got to be a _monster_ in the sack--"  
  
  
I hit him so fast that I didn't even realize what I'd done until he reeled backwards, clutching his nose. Blood spurted onto the concrete and mixed with the motor oil.  
  
  
Quil's eyes widened above his hands as he started to vibrate.  
  
  
Embry groaned. "Jeez, guys, not in here, there's not room--"  
  
  
My breath was coming short and fast, the wolf was howling in my chest, but I couldn't phase, I couldn't, I couldn't let them see, those memories were _mine_ , Bella was _mine_ and they _couldn't have her--_  
  
  
Quil growled low in his throat, then turned and pelted out of the garage, with me hard on his heels. He was only three steps outside before he transformed in an explosion of fur and scraps of fabric, landed on his paws and wheeled around to face me, blood still pouring from his nostrils.  
  
  
I stayed human.  
  
  
When the wolf lunged for me, teeth bared, I leapt to the side, twisting my ankle in the mud, falling into the woodpile against the side of the house. Quil clearly expected to have hit a wall of fur, and it took him fifteen feet before he skidded to a halt and whipped back around, shaking his head.  
  
  
"Jake!" Embry yelled, kicking away his shoes and pulling off his clothes as fast as he could. "What the fuck!"  
  
  
I stood back up and grabbed one of the heavier pine logs from under my feet. I was going to lose this fight and badly, but I was sure as hell going to take some of Quil's teeth out in the process. The wolf jumped at me again, and I swung the log into his face as hard as I could, putting every non-canine muscle I had behind it. It was just enough to knock him off course. He passed me by inches, fangs snapping uselessly at the air.  
  
  
"C'mon, Quil," I taunted, the wolf howling inside, held in place by sheer determination. _They didn't get to see her._ "Bring it."  
  
  
Before Quil could prove anything one way or another, another wolf slammed into him from the side, throwing him off his paws with a yelp. They rolled over and over through the yard, biting and growling, leaving churned soil and hunks of fur in their wake, literally shaking the ground.  
  
  
It was over in thirty seconds, without a clear winner -- Embry seemed satisfied to have stopped Quil from killing me, and Quil seemed satisfied to have sunk his teeth into _something_. They came back human, panting, and covered in mud.  
  
  
"Nice move, man," Quil complimented Embry sarcastically, rubbing his side. "I think your thick skull cracked a rib."  
  
  
"Don't be a baby," Embry replied. "You'll be fine in ten minutes." He picked his shorts up off the grass and pulled them back on, raising an eyebrow. "Can't say the same for your clothes, though. You gotta get better control, or you'll have to go naked. No one wants to see that, man."  
  
  
"You all _wish_." Quil gave me a weird look as he walked past, rubbing blood off his face. "And _you_ , Jake, what the fuck is wrong with you? You forget how to phase or something? I could've ripped your arm off!"  
  
  
"Yeah, well, you didn't," I said, tossing the log down. At least _that_ was over with. "Kinda sad, actually, that you can't beat me even when I don't have claws."  
  
  
Quil snorted, then winced as he felt his broken nose. "I _would've_ if Embry hadn't saved your ass like fuckin' Superman."  
  
  
"Does that mean Jake is Lois Lane?" Embry said, hopping as he put on his shoes. "I thought Lois Lane was supposed to be _hot_. I'm trading him in for Wonder Woman."  
  
  
"Like you could get Wonder Woman," I retorted. I was starting to feel a little better. At least I'd gotten to punch someone, even if it _was_ one of my best friends. Though I felt kinda guilty about it now. "Sorry about your nose, Quil."  
  
  
"Eh, it happens," Quil said dismissively. The bruises under his eyes were already fading. "Anyway, your point is made. Leah is a delicate flower whose purity is above reproach, all right?"  
  
  
Wait, _what?_  
  
  
I stared blankly as Quil leaned into his truck and opened the glove compartment. "Are you checking out my ass, Jake?" he called, pulling out a pair of cutoff sweats. "Your girlfriend might not be okay with that!"  
  
  
"I... um... yeah," I said, my brain still trying to catch up. Holy _shit_. Like Leah didn't already hate me...  
  
  
Quil gave me a pitying look as he yanked his shorts on. "Jeez, Embry, look at him. One round in the sack and he's already whipped." Then he grinned. "Maybe literally. Does she have leather? I bet she does--"  
  
  
" _Quil!_ " I yelled, appalled. Oh, God, like I needed _that_ mental image on top of everything else.  
  
  
"Okay, okay, sorry, sorry," he said, throwing his hands up in the air. "Delicate flower. Purity above reproach. Got it. Seriously, though, Sam's going to kill you, you know that, right?"  
  
  
Well, _that_ much was true. "Uh-huh."  
  
  
"Leah's doing this fucking annoying angry girl music thing in her head," said Quil, "and it's blocking everyone, but sooner or later this shit's gonna get out. Especially since now you're patrolling together all the time. Let us know when Sam figures it out, and we'll see if we can smuggle you out of the country or something, all right?"  
  
  
"Sure."  
  
  
"All right." Quil touched his nose again and made a face. "Fuck, I gotta go home and get this cleaned up. I'm going to Claire's for dinner and it'll make her cry."  
  
  
"And you give me shit about _my_ girlfriend?" I said sarcastically. " _Yours_ isn't even potty-trained."  
  
  
Quil shot me a dirty look. "Watch it, Jake. Next time I _will_ take off an arm. You coming, Embry?" he called.  
  
  
"Yeah, just a sec," Embry said, walking over to me. He waited until Quil got into the truck, then said under his breath, "It's not Leah, is it."  
  
  
I swallowed. "No."  
  
  
"Then it's got to be--"  
  
  
"You really _don't_ want to know."  
  
  
Embry sighed. "Yeah, probably not. I'll try and keep Quil's mouth shut."  
  
  
"Thanks, man."  
  
  
"Yep." He clapped me on the back, and jogged off to the other side of the truck, calling, "Try not to let anyone else attack you! I can't save your ass twenty-four seven, Lois!"  
  
  
After they were no longer in sight, I walked slowly back into the garage to finish fixing the shocks so I could go out and destroy them again.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
On Friday night I wondered if maybe I'd just tell Bella to forget about my conditions, that even if she was pregnant I didn't want anything to do with her ever again, that she could turn if she wanted or move to Switzerland or get an abortion for all I cared as long as she stayed the fuck out of my life. I even wandered into the kitchen at two AM and half-dialed her number before hanging up and going back to bed.  
  
  
She'd know I was lying anyway.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
"Jacob?"  
  
  
I woke up from my nap with a start, one leg falling off the mattress. Shit, I _really_ needed some new furniture. This whole almost-seven-feet-tall thing was just _not_ working in a bed that still had Snoopy sheets on it.  
  
  
"Jacob?" Billy called again, his voice odd. "You have a visitor."  
  
  
I didn't want visitors. I'd already talked to too damn many people so far this... week? Fuck, what day was it? I stopped and tried to think... Saturday. It was still Saturday. It had been Saturday for at _least_ fifty-seven hours by now, I was sure. This wait was _never going to end._  
  
  
" _Jacob._ " The _Get your ass out here_ was left unsaid.  
  
  
I threw on a shirt and stepped out into the hall -- and almost ducked straight back into my room.  
  
  
Charlie Swan was standing in the front door.  
  
  
"Hi, Charlie," I said hesitantly, trying to see if he was holding a gun. Werewolf healing aside, I was pretty sure I couldn't withstand a direct shot to the head, and if Charlie knew I'd tried to get Bella pregnant then he sure as hell wasn't going to go for a flesh wound.  
  
  
"Jacob," Charlie said, nodding to me curtly. Then he turned back to Billy and said, "Do you mind if I borrow your son for a minute?"  
  
  
Oh _shit_.  
  
  
Billy glanced between us and shrugged as though it wasn't a big deal -- except he shot me a very brief _You Are In Deep Shit_ look. "Sure thing," he said out loud, wheeling out of the way. Charlie backed up, letting me through the door, following me out into the yard. I felt like I was walking to my execution. Was it too late to write my last will and testament? _To Quil and Embry, I leave my motorcycles. To Leah, I leave my CD collection. To Rachel and Rebecca, I leave Dad. To Bella, I leave nothing, since she already has everything that matters._  
  
  
Once we'd gotten a safe distance from the house, Charlie stopped and put his hands in his pockets awkwardly. "Jacob..." he started, then shook his head.  
  
  
"Yes?" At least my voice didn't crack.  
  
  
"Jacob," he said again, "About Bella..."  
  
  
"Is she okay?" I asked automatically. It would always be my first response.  
  
  
Charlie glanced at me, and I saw how tired he was. He really did look a lot like her, or rather, she looked a lot like him. "She's..." He hesitated, obviously not sure where the appropriate lines were as far as ratting out his daughter. "She's... not getting out much."  
  
  
That sounded a lot like code for _Bella hasn't left her room in days._ Not that that meant anything. The only visitors that mattered wouldn't be coming and going by the front door.  
  
  
Charlie gave me another look, and this one was harder and knowing. I almost took a step backwards. "I heard from Billy that you went camping last weekend," he said carefully.  
  
  
My face instantly heated up. "Yeah. Just got out of town for a few days. Cleared my head, you know."  
  
  
"Uh-huh." Charlie's eyes narrowed. "Bella happened to spend the same weekend with Alice."  
  
  
I swallowed. "Did she."  
  
  
He looked at me for another long moment -- he was almost six inches shorter than me and still he could stare me down, why did I always feel like I was ten around him? -- then he rubbed his hands across his eyes wearily. "Look, boy, I don't think it's any secret that I don't like... I mean, that I wish Bella had, well..." He trailed off, uncomfortable. "But she gets to make her own decisions, whether I like it or not. When you have children, you'll understand."  
  
  
I almost started to laugh, except if I started, I was pretty sure I wouldn't be able to stop.  
  
  
"You're a good kid," Charlie continued grudgingly, "and your father and I have been friends for more than twenty years. If you really think you still have a chance, then... But understand something. If you cause her more pain, you'll have to answer to _me_. I am tired of seeing my girl hurting. Are we clear?"  
  
  
I nodded. (As though I could do anything else.)  
  
  
"Good." Charlie sighed, as though he were happy to have gotten that over with. "Anyway, Bella's always happier after she's talked to you. So, maybe, if you could--"  
  
  
"I don't think it's going to make her happier this time," I said bitterly. "Sorry."  
  
  
Charlie stared at me, then looked away, his expression somewhere between disgust and sympathy. "You kids. You're really good at screwing up your lives."  
  
  
"Uh-huh." I certainly wasn't going to argue with him about _that_.  
  
  
"Well... okay then." Charlie nodded brusquely. "So... you, um, don't get into any trouble."  
  
  
"Right," I managed to say. At least I hadn't gotten shot. As Charlie drove away in the police cruiser, I wondered exactly how bad it would be once he no longer thought I was a good kid.  
  
  
"What was _that_ about?" Billy asked when I came back inside.  
  
  
"Nothing important," I said, and I went back to finish my nap.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
After midnight I drove to Bella's house, leaving my headlights off in case Charlie was awake. The lights were all off. She was probably sleeping. She'd been sleeping in bed with _me_ a week ago.  
  
  
I would climb up the tree, go the window, and talk to her. I'd find the right words, finally.  
  
 _  
Bella, why did you--  
  
  
_ _Bella, I only want--  
  
  
Bella, try to understand--_  
  
  
 _Bella, please. Just... please.  
  
  
_ Yeah.  
  
  
I swallowed, turned on the radio, and drove back home.


	9. Wherein Jacob discovers he's bought time at a very high cost.

_[i need freedom now / and i need to know how / to live my life as it's meant to be](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3KkUeRPjc-Y)  
Mumford  & Sons, "The Cave"_

  
  
  
  
The days drudged by, making the week feel like a month, or a year, or some shit like that. Sometimes I checked the clock to see whether or not it was still working. When I wasn't actively clock watching, I was driving restlessly across the entire state of Washington, exploring every single back road at approximately ninety miles an hour.  
  
  
I was clearly in danger of losing my mind. I was also wasting a _lot_ of money on gas.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
Thirty years later (okay, two days), as I was sitting on a pile of driftwood on First Beach, the inevitable finally occurred.  
  
  
"Jacob?"  
  
  
I paused from my very important task of staring out at the water and moping (which I'd been doing for somewhere between three and thirty hours, I really couldn't tell anymore) to raise my eyebrows at Sam. He stood ten feet away, unflinching against the cold ocean spray. I literally could not remember the last time I'd seen him wear a shirt.  
  
  
I could've said something, but I really wasn't in the mood to make things easy on anyone. So instead I just waited.  
  
  
Sam cleared his throat, then said, "Jacob, according to Quil--"  
  
  
Jeez. "Sam, come on," I interrupted. "Seriously." It wasn't like I didn't know that it was coming, given that Quil had a loud mouth and a louder brain, but it was still really fucking irritating. And I  _really_ didn't need this right now. I had plenty of drama on my plate already, thank you.  
  
  
"No, look," he continued, face carefully neutral, "if you and Leah are together--"  
  
  
"Sam," I snapped, "you're not--"  
  
  
"--it's fine, it doesn't bother me--"  
  
  
"Sam--"  
  
  
"--I just want her to be happy--"  
  
  
" _Sam_ \--"  
  
  
"--but I want you to promise me that--"  
  
  
Somehow I was off the log and glowering down at him. I was a good four inches taller. " _ **Sam,**_ " a voice from inside me snarled furiously, " _ **shut up.**_ "  
  
  
And Sam's mouth instantly snapped closed.  
  
  
The rush was abrupt and disorienting, like being on a rollercoaster that suddenly reversed itself, yanking me in a new direction, my blood slamming to a halt against the walls of my arteries. And Sam felt it too -- his eyes widened with surprise and confusion -- and with a freakish new clarity, I understood that he had _no idea_ what he was doing. Sam had gotten shoved into this role by the stupid, blind luck of being the first one to phase. He was making it up as he went just like the rest of us. He wasn't _supposed_ to be in charge.  
  
  
They were right. They were _all_ right. I was meant to be Alpha.  
  
  
But I didn't want it.  
  
  
 _And I wasn't going to take it._  
  
  
I closed my eyes, took a long breath, and let that dizzying, sickening tide of authority speed right along, leaving me behind. I heard Sam sigh deeply. I couldn't tell if it was with relief or regret.  
  
  
Well. At least _that_ was done.  
  
  
"Look, Sam," I said as I turned away and climbed back onto the driftwood, "I'm not sleeping with Leah. We're not together. We're just..." _Friends_ wasn't the right word. "She kind of knows some stuff, and it's been easier to patrol with her. Quil got it wrong, that's all."  
  
  
Sam frowned slightly. "Leah 'knows some stuff'?"  
  
  
"Yeah, and it's none of your business." At least, it wasn't his business for right now. Once there was a bloodsucker carrying around a Quileute baby, on the other hand... okay, best not to think about that too much, or I was going to start hyperventilating again. "By the way," I said, changing the subject, "you _do_ know that sooner or later Leah's going to sleep with _someone_ , right? You're going to have to get used to the idea."  
  
  
"I _am_ used to it," Sam insisted, and I rolled my eyes. "Believe me, I am. But you're obviously a wreck, man, and I don't want her to have to be the one who puts you back together."  
  
  
"She's not going to be. But even if she _was_ , that's her choice to make." I looked back out at the ocean. "And mine, for that matter," I added.  
  
  
"I don't know if you've noticed, Jacob, but we don't get a lot of choices." Sam's voice was dry and a little bit sad.  
  
  
I felt the lingering tingles of power in my veins, and I knew what I could to use them to do. It was simple now. I didn't want to be Alpha. I didn't want to be _Sam._ I wanted as many choices as I could possibly have, and that sure as hell wasn't going to happen if things stayed like this.  
  
  
"I'm retiring," I told Sam. "The newborns are gone, there haven't been any new kids phasing, and the Cullens--" my mouth twisted on their name "--are honoring the treaty. You don't need me. I'm done. Stay Alpha if you want, give it to someone else, I don't care. But I'm not going to phase anymore, and I'm not obeying orders. Consider this my resignation."  
  
  
He was silent for a long moment before saying quietly, "You should really think about this before you make any decisions, Jacob."  
  
  
I snorted. "Believe me, of all the decisions I've had to make recently, this is the easiest. I'll be here if anyone needs me, but--" _Bella turning a black checker piece over and over and over in her hand_ "--I'm tired of being the Pack's Jacob. I don't like it. It's not who I want to be."  
  
  
Sam's eyes were distant. "You're lucky you have so much control over your own destiny."  
  
  
I thought about sitting outside Bella's house. "It doesn't feel like it."  
  
  
Sam looked at me sideways, then shook his head. "Jacob," he said, and he was back to being his usual self, the hall monitor on steroids, "I don't doubt that there's lots of stuff that's hard, but you haven't imprinted. You have choices, plenty of them. Be grateful for it."  
  
  
"Yeah, I guess." He wouldn't be saying these things if he knew what kind of choices I'd been making recently. He'd just dismember me and leave the pieces to be picked over by seagulls. Though I'd probably do the same if our roles were reversed.  
  
  
Life kind of sucked in a lot of ways.  
  
  
After a few minutes of silence, I said, "We probably shouldn't tell Leah about this conversation."  
  
  
Sam shook his head. "Yeah. No."  
  
  
And that was the end of that.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
When the weekend _finally_ came, I started spending all day, every day, in the garage. I knew she'd be coming soon, and I didn't want to be anywhere near anyone else. Hell, I wasn't even sure I wanted to be near _her_ , but there wasn't much I could do about that part. It wasn't like she could send a courier. Well, she _could_ , but it seemed pretty unlikely _._  
  
  
Saturday came and went. On the positive side of things, the garage had never been cleaner.  
  
  
On Sunday I ran out of stuff to sweep, organize, and wash. I was seriously considering putting a new coat of paint on the Rabbit (it didn't need it, but it might look interesting blue, you never know), when there was a hesitant knock at the door. I stood, braced myself as much as I possibly could, and turned around to face whatever was going to come next.  
  
  
Bella walked into the garage slowly, and she looked like she hadn't slept in weeks-- and hell, maybe she hadn't. She was pale, thinner than the last time I'd seen her, worse even than she had been when the bloodsucker left and she acted half dead. She seemed like a ghost of her old self. (And, of course, she was still beautiful. How was that possible? Sometimes I wondered if _she_ was the inhuman one in this nightmare of a triangle.) She inhaled sharply when she saw my face, and her arms wrapped convulsively around her midsection. After a moment she managed to say, "Hi, Jake."  
  
  
"Hi, Bells."  
  
  
She glanced around, and her eyebrows went up. "Wow. You cleaned."  
  
  
I shrugged. "Didn't have much else to do."  
  
  
She nodded, chewing on her lower lip. Then she scuffed the toe of her sneaker against the concrete as she said hesitantly, "I'm sorry I haven't called. I... I didn't really know what to..."  
  
  
"It's okay," I heard myself say. "I didn't call you either."  
  
  
"Yeah," she said awkwardly. "I guess."  
  
  
And I waited.  
  
  
I was _so good_ at waiting.  
  
  
Finally Bella met my eyes, and with a little humorless smile, shook her head. "I'm not," she said simply.  
  
  
My eyes closed and I exhaled, long and deep, as a wave of _something_ crashed into me. I had absolutely no clue what I was feeling, but I was sure as hell feeling a _lot_ of it, and for a moment I thought my ribs would crack under the pressure -- but my ribs had cracked before, and it didn't hurt as much as this.  
  
  
"Do you have my engagement ring?" Bella asked.  
  
  
I nodded mechanically, and opened the drawer in the cabinet where I'd hidden it, the only drawer I hadn't gone through. The damn thing was still ugly, and it felt like it weighed thirty pounds when I pulled it out. When I handed the ring to her I felt her skin under my fingertips.  
  
  
Her hand closed. "Thank you," she said softly.  
  
  
I turned away, staring at the drawer. I needed to clean it out now. There was a ton of crap that really ought to be thrown away. And I should never have stuck the fishing lures in there, the allen wrenches would be all gross now, I'd have to soak them in club soda to get the slime off, and I was pretty sure we didn't _have_ any club soda, so that was a trip into town and I'd probably need to get groceries while I was at it. "Well, if that's all--"  
  
  
"I'm giving it back, Jacob."  
  
  
My heart stopped.  
  
  
Instead of putting the ring on her finger, Bella slid it into her pocket.  
  
  
I... "Huh?" I said blankly.  
  
  
"I'm giving the ring back to Edward," Bella repeated. She looked exhausted, like she might collapse at any moment, but she _sounded_...  
  
  
 _Holy fuck._  
  
  
" _Bella_." I stepped forward, reached for her face--  
  
  
\--and she stepped backwards at the same time, shaking her head. "No, Jacob," she said, choking on the words. "No."  
  
  
I dropped my hand in surprise. "Why not?"  
  
  
"Because," she whispered. She looked at the ground, took a deep breath, then squeezed her eyes shut and said in a rush, "Jacob, I'm going to go away. By myself."  
  
  
Wait. "What?"  
  
  
"I'm going away," she repeated, her eyes still closed. "To Phoenix. Alone."  
  
  
My stomach lurched. "No. You _can't._ Why? Why would you do that?"  
  
  
Bella sat down on the workbench, keeping her arms wrapped tightly around herself. "I'm going to go to school there for a little while. Do some community college classes... get a job... _something_ , it doesn't really matter what. My mom's still got our old house, and I'm going to stay there. It's done. I bought my plane ticket this morning before I could talk myself out of it." She smiled, but there wasn't any happiness or humor in it. "I don't think the truck would do well in desert heat."  
  
  
I... I couldn't... "I don't understand."  
  
  
"Jacob," Bella said, and her voice shook, "I can't do this anymore. I threw up every single day for the last two weeks, and I thought for _sure_ , I was _so sure.._. it must have been anxiety or something. I couldn't sleep, I even sent Edward away so that I'd be warmer and I _still_ couldn't sleep, I drove all the way to Port Angeles to buy the test, I hid it between my mattress and the box spring, and then I didn't dare leave my room in case Charlie suddenly decided for some reason that he wanted to change my sheets or something..." She giggled and it was more than a little hysterical. "I got up at two-thirty in the morning to use it, and I dropped the box three times because my hands were shaking..." Her breath hitched. "And then there was only one line, and I almost fainted from relief, I'm not joking, my vision went blurry and I had to put my head between my knees--"  
  
  
"Bella," I whispered.  
  
  
"--then Edward came to see me and I was crying, and he held me and he said he loved me and he wanted me to be happy and that it would all be okay, you and I could try again--"  
  
  
" _Fuck no_."  
  
  
Bella looked up at me and smiled. "I said the same thing. He was kind of shocked at my language."  
  
  
I tried to smile back, but I couldn't. "So... you don't..."  
  
  
She shook her head. "No. I don't. Not _now._ I'm not _ready_ to have a baby." She giggled again and it was awful. "I have never been as terrified in my entire life as I have been for the last two weeks, and given how my year has gone, that's saying something. And I'm not ready to get married. And if I'm not ready for all that, then I'm not ready for..." She swallowed hard. "Jacob, _I don't know what I want to do anymore_. I want these things, but I'm so messed up, and I'm so _tired_ , and I love you _so much more than_ _I thought I did_ and it scares the hell out of me because I love _him_ too, I love him just as much, and I can't figure it out if you're both around because I can't _see you_ without _wanting..._ " Her breath was heaving in and out of her chest in dry sobs. "I have to leave, I  _have_ to, before I do any more damage. I told Edward I needed time. I'm here to tell you the same thing."  
  
  
Time.  
  
  
"That sounds good," I said slowly, a sick feeling starting to burn in my chest. "That sounds like a really, really good idea, but, Bells, honey, you don't have to go away. You can have time _here_."  
  
  
"No." She bit her lip so hard that it turned white. "No, that won't work."  
  
  
"Yes it will." I crouched in front of her and pulled her arms away from her stomach so I could hold her hands. "You don't have to leave, okay? I'll stay away from you. If you tell Cullen that's what you want then he'll stay away too, you know he will." If I knew anything about that bloodsucker, it was that he'd do almost anything that Bella said would make her happy, no questions asked. "Or... or we can just go back to the way things were, way back in the beginning. We'll be friends, you can come hang out, I won't push you, I promise. It'll be fine. _We'll_ be fine. You can think here in Forks. You can take as much time as you want. I'll wait."  
  
  
"No, Jake. I can't..." Bella's eyes filled with tears as she steadily shook her head back and forth. "This is all just... I've been trying to do the right thing but I'm doing it all _wrong_ and look at what's happening. Edward threw himself at the Volturibecause of me. I almost had a _baby_ because I thought it was what you both wanted. And _you_..." She pulled her hands free from mine and traced my face with her fingertips. "Oh, Jacob, _l_ _ook at you_. Look what I've _done_ to you..."  
  
  
"I could've walked away at any time and I didn't," I pointed out. "You haven't done a damn thing to me that I didn't let you do."  
  
  
"So what? I'm still the one that did it." Bella laughed, and the tears spilled over and wet her eyelashes. "Have you seen yourself recently? You look _awful_. You're falling apart. We _all_ are. Don't you see what's happening? We're going to _kill each other_ unless I--"  
  
  
I cut her off with a kiss.  
  
  
For a moment she kissed me back, responding with a moan as I worked my mouth hard against hers, taking in the warmth and the taste that had made it into my bloodstream. Then she broke the contact and turned her head away. "Jake--"  
  
  
"I love you, Bella." Her jawline was soft under my lips. She smelled the same as she had when she was beneath me and above me, girl soap and something sweet. "You love _me_. You _want_ me." My hands moved to her waist and pulled her close. Her knees parted and her jeans scraped friction against my sides. "You always think things are so complicated, but they're _not_." Loose strands of her hair brushed over my forehead. It was _right._ I had to make her understand. "You don't have to go. We can figure this out together, honey."  
  
  
"No," she said brokenly, "we _can't_."  
  
  
"You're wrong." My fingers dug into her hips, trying to find her through her clothes and remember the feel of her skin. I wondered if the marks I'd left were still visible. Why couldn't she see how _simple_ this all was? "Just stay. Stay with me. Please." I pressed hot kisses against her throat, looking for the steady thrum of her heartbeat in her veins. It had to be there somewhere. " _Please_ don't leave."  
  
  
Bella's body shuddered under my touch... then her hands pushed at my shoulders. "Jacob. Jacob, _s_ _top._ "  
  
  
I pulled back just enough to search her face.  
  
  
She was serious.  
  
  
Everything in me went cold as I took my hands off her. " _Why_ ," I spat, standing up so fast that it made the room spin, "is it so easy for you to say no to _me_ and not to _him_ _?_ "  
  
  
Bella let out a little sob as she wiped her tears away with the palm of her hand. "I really don't know. I wish I did."  
  
  
"Yeah, me too," I said, turning away, slamming the open drawer shut so hard it made the cabinet rattle.  
  
  
"Jake--"  
  
  
"So," I interrupted. "How long will you be gone for?"  
  
  
There was a pause, then she said, "I haven't decided yet. At least a semester. Probably more like two."  
  
  
"You'll be getting older," I taunted. I didn't mind hitting below the belt.  
  
  
"I know," she said miserably. "But at least I'll still be a teenager. And I have to say, when you're sneaking a pregnancy test out of your house in the middle of the night and burying it in the bottom of the trash bin, nineteen suddenly doesn't seem that old."  
  
  
"Right."  
  
  
There was a shuffle behind me, and I knew she was standing up. "Jake..." she whispered, and I heard her take a deep breath. "Jacob, you don't have to wait, okay? It's probably better if you don't. It's different for Edward, he's going to live forever, but you're not, and it's not fair to ask you to--"  
  
  
I turned to face her incredulously. "Don't you say that to me," I bit out. "Don't you give me the speech he gave you."  
  
  
Bella flinched, but she didn't look away. "He... he might not have been wrong to give it. I've already hurt you so much, and--" her voice shook "--it would be _so_ easy for you to find someone better--"  
  
  
" _No!_ " My shout ricocheted off the walls, and Bella's eyes widened. I took a deep breath to calm the wolf that was starting to pace in my chest. "No," I said again, trying to control my voice. "You do _not_ get to tell me what to do, you understand? You _don't_. If I want to wait, I'll wait. If I want to keep loving you, I will. And _I_ will decide if I want to stop. Not you. Not anyone else. _Just me_. Got it?"  
  
  
Bella nodded slowly. Her tears were leaving dark splotches on the concrete floor. "I can't promise you anything, Jacob. You know that, right?"  
  
  
"I know."  
  
  
"I'm returning the ring," she added, "but that doesn't mean... you know that I might ask for it back."  
  
  
"I know."  
  
  
"I might meet someone else."  
  
  
"I know."  
  
  
"I might never be with _anyone_."  
  
  
"I know."  
  
  
"But you still want to wait."  
  
  
"Yes."  
  
  
"And what if I tell you there's no hope?" she said quietly. "Will you stop then?"  
  
  
I swallowed hard, then forced myself to say, "Maybe. _If_ you're telling the truth. And I'll know if you are, even if _you_ don't."  
  
  
"I guess you will, yeah." She smiled again, and the tears kept coming down her cheeks. "You're kind of freaky like that."  
  
  
And then I was crushing her against me, hugging her harder than was probably comfortable or safe, but she was _leaving_ so what else was I supposed to do, and she wrapped her arms around my neck and curled into my embrace. "I love you," she whispered.  
  
  
"Love you more," I replied, lifting her off the ground a little so I could bury my face in her hair.  
  
  
Her body was shaking against mine. "I wouldn't be too sure about that." Oh, _God._ I held her tighter, like that could stop what was about to happen, even though I knew it couldn't. After another long moment, Bella laughed weakly. "Jake, you have to put me down."  
  
  
"Yeah. Okay." I set her back on the floor gently and let her go. It fucking _sucked_. "Will you still have the same phone number?"  
  
  
She shook her head as she hiccuped. "No. You can check with Charlie if there's an emergency, but I'm leaving the cell here."  
  
  
"To stop me from calling you?" I said, trying not to sound bitter.  
  
  
Bella smiled sadly. "More like to stop _me_ from calling _you._ " Then she glanced out the open door and up at the sky. "It's going to start raining. I've got to go."  
  
  
I nodded.  
  
  
She leaned her forehead against my chest for a moment, took a deep, shuddering breath, then pulled away. "Bye, Jake," she said softly.  
  
  
"Bye, Bells."  
  
  
I managed to wait until I heard her truck pull out of the yard before I gave up on holding it together.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
I spent the rest of the afternoon in the garage sobbing like a little bitch. Around eight I finally dragged my sorry ass back into the house, turned the radio to the Mariners game, and collapsed onto the couch with my feet resting on the side table.  
  
  
I woke up hours later to a warm hand stroking my hair. My father sat next to me in his wheelchair, his face unreadable in the darkness. "Go to bed, son," he said. "It's late."  
  
  
"Mmkay," I mumbled, still half asleep. "G'night, Dad." Then I rolled off the sofa and stumbled exhaustedly to my room.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
On Tuesday night a knock at the door interrupted me from staring into the freezer, hoping that if I just waited patiently the refrigerator fairies would magically provide something more than frozen pizza for dinner. I heard Billy roll to the door, heard a surprised, "Leah! Come on in."  
  
  
"No, thanks," Leah's clipped voice carried from the doorway. "I just need to see Jacob. Oh, and Mom said to say hi and to give you this." A rustle of a paper bag, and I perked up at the smell of fried fish. Fish would be better than pizza. Just because I was depressed didn't mean I wasn't still hungry. "She's still trying to get Dad's recipe right, and she wants you to call and tell her if she's close."  
  
  
"Right," Billy said gently. "I'll do that. Jacob? Leah's here for you."  
  
  
As though I couldn't tell from fifteen feet away. "I caught that, yeah," I said, walking to the front door. "What's up?"  
  
  
Leah stared at me for a few seconds, then turned and walked into the yard. "Come on," she called over her shoulder.  
  
  
I glanced at Billy, shrugged, and jogged after her. "Where are we going?" The grass was wet under my bare feet.  
  
  
"Out." Because I hadn't figured _that_ out already. Yeesh. Once we were a decent distance from the house, Leah started to pull off her shoes. "Turn around."  
  
  
I shook my head. "I'm not phasing anymore."  
  
  
She straightened up, raising her eyebrows. "Really."  
  
  
"Yep." I didn't feel like going into any deep or meaningful explanations, so I just added, "I'm tired, I guess."  
  
  
Leah was silent for a moment, then shrugged. "Your call. I guess I'll have to get a real iPod now." I snorted, and her lip twitched as though she was thinking about maybe possibly smiling one day. She turned and started walking towards the Rabbit. "We'll take your Rabbit, then. And I'm driving."  
  
  
"The hell you are," I said sharply. "You are _not_ getting behind the wheel of my car."  
  
  
"Watch me," she shot back. "I've been wanting to try out this thing. You're an idiot, but you _do_ build a sweet ride."  
  
  
I ran ahead and snatched the keys off the dashboard before she could grab them. "No. Absolutely not."  
  
  
She narrowed her eyes. "Don't make me fight you. I'd kick your emo ass right now and you know it. _Especially_ if you don't phase." Goddamn it. She held out her hand expectantly, and with a grumble, I tossed her the keys. "Get in, we're going to the cliffs."  
  
  
"Why?" I whined.  
  
  
"Because I said so. Now buckle up."  
  
  
Leah got us to the cliffs in record time, and I winced when she pulled over to the side of the road and stopped. "Geez, Leah, watch the clutch."  
  
  
She glared at me. "I _know_ how to drive a manual, dipshit."  
  
  
"Yeah, but it just needs a light touch. Don't jerk it around."  
  
  
Leah snorted. "Right. I'll remember that. Get out."  
  
  
We crossed the road, walked a short distance through the pines, and climbed out onto the rocks. If it wasn't for the fact that I knew I had inhuman reflexes, I'd be nervous about being up this high, with nothing but a steep drop between me and the water... but I wasn't. A few hundred feet away was where Bella had jumped and I'd pulled her out and breathed life back into her lungs. It felt like a lifetime ago. Maybe it was.  
  
  
Leah picked up a tiny rock off the ground, inspected it, and tossed it over the edge of the cliff. It disappeared into the evening sun. "So she left, huh?"  
  
  
"Yeah," I said, staring out at the ocean. "Without the bloodsucker, at least. She said she needs time."  
  
  
She made a small huffing noise. "Maybe she's not as stupid as I thought. And I take it your boys all swam in the wrong direction?"  
  
  
"Guess so. Is this where I'm supposed to cry on your shoulder or something?"  
  
  
"Please don't," she said dryly as she reached into her pocket, pulling out a silver flask and holding it out to me. "Here."  
  
  
"What is it?"  
  
  
"Vodka. I know you don't drink, so this ought to be easier on you."  
  
  
"I drink," I said defensively.  
  
  
Leah rolled her eyes. "Uh-huh. The Miller Lite that Paul brings to bonfires. That doesn't count for shit. This is _actual_ alcohol."  
  
  
"Beer counts as alcohol."  
  
  
"Yes, but Miller Lite doesn't count as beer."  
  
  
"Yeah? Since when?"  
  
  
"Fuck, will you just _take_ the damn thing?"  
  
  
"Why?"  
  
  
" _Because_ ," Leah said, exasperated, "that's what people _do_. Their friends take them out and make them drink so they'll stop moping and feel better. Your stupid wolf metabolism is too high for me to get you wasted, so this is the best I've got. Now just... take it, all right?"  
  
  
I took the flask from her hand, unscrewed the top, and swallowed deep. It burned my nose more than my throat. "Thanks."  
  
  
"Whatever." She pulled a pack of Marlboros out of her shorts and offered it to me. I shook my head, and she shrugged. "Your loss," she said, holding a cigarette between her lips and flicking on the lighter. When she exhaled, the smoke curled up into the rosy sky. "I was kind of a bitch earlier this week. I'm not saying I was wrong or that I'm sorry, but... yeah."  
  
  
"Yeah."  
  
  
We sat quietly for a few minutes, watching the waves crash into the shore fifty feet below.  
  
  
"I don't know what you're so upset about," Leah remarked finally. I stared at her in disbelief and she ignored me. "You got everything you wanted. The leech-lover is rethinking her options. She's not lining up to join the undead. She's actively considering making the jump from the bloodsucker to you, even though you behaved like a total moron. _And_ you pulled it all off without turning up on a teen pregnancy reality show. This should be a _celebratory_ drink, and you're acting like someone died."  
  
  
I turned away, disgusted. "You really don't get it, do you?"  
  
  
"I get that you're sulking."  
  
  
"I am _not_ sulking."  
  
  
"Yes, you are." Leah glanced at me again and then sighed a smoky sigh. "Look, Jacob... I know it sucks, but don't wallow, okay? You're better than that. Don't... don't be like me." A bitter smile played at the corner of her mouth. "It's really not as much fun as I make it look."  
  
  
I blinked in surprise. "So, what, you're telling me it's all going to be okay?"  
  
  
She rolled her eyes. "No."  
  
  
"Why not?"  
  
  
"Because," she said, "it probably _won't_ be."  
  
  
"Thanks, Leah." I kind of meant it.  
  
  
"You're welcome." She tossed a few more rocks off into space. One of them glinted in the sun as it fell. "By the way, I heard you broke Quil Atera's nose."  
  
  
"Yep." I smirked. "It was kind of in defense of your honor."  
  
  
Leah gave me an odd look. "Huh?"  
  
  
I shrugged nonchalantly as I took another drink of vodka. "He thinks we're screwing around."  
  
  
There was a scrabbling sound as Leah tried not to fall off the cliff in shock. I reached out to grab her arm just in case, but she yanked it away, jumping to her feet to glare down at me. "You had _better_ be fucking kidding me."  
  
  
"Nope. It was sort of a misunderstanding."  
  
  
"A _misunderstanding_ ," Leah said dangerously. "And did you clear up this _misunderstanding_ _?_ "  
  
  
I shrugged again, kind of enjoying myself in a weird way. At least I wasn't the only one with problems. "I did with Sam. I have no idea what everyone else thinks." I thought about what had happened on the beach. "You two really are a lot alike, you know."  
  
  
A few different looks crossed Leah's face as she sat back down. Finally she settled on disinterested and said, "I don't care what Sam thinks, and I _really_ don't care if we're alike."  
  
  
"Whatever you say, Leah."  
  
  
"Shut up." She snatched the flask from my hand and took a swig. "So anyway," she said, swallowing, "just how long are you planning on waiting for her?"  
  
  
"I'm not sure," I said. "I don't really have a set time limit. I'll wait for as long as I want."  
  
  
She shook her head. "You really are a sap."  
  
  
"Pretty much."  
  
  
We sat and passed the flask back and forth, watching the ocean, until the sun faded over the horizon and the moon rose in the night sky.


	10. Epilogue: Wherein life takes a natural path.

 

_[take me out tonight / where there's music and there's people and they're young and alive](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=INgXzChwipY)  
The Smiths, "There Is A Light That Never Goes Out"_

_  
_

 

 

A few weeks later, something ridiculous happened.  
  
  
 _I had to go back to school_.  
  
  
I ranted and raved, shouting that I'd spent the summer killing other creatures with my teeth and claws, that I'd gone off on my own for days at a time, that I'd had my body crushed and mangled and survived, that I'd done... other things... that I was a _man_ now, had experienced more than most people three times my age, and quite frankly, I didn't give a shit about Calculus anymore.  
  
  
Billy listened patiently until I ran out of steam. Then he explained that since I was a _man_ I was more than welcome to sleep in the woods and eat squirrels, but if I wanted to live under _his_ roof, I was going to get my diploma.  
  
  
I dug my backpack out from under my bed and registered for classes, grumbling the whole time.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
I got a ride home from Paul two days after school started, since I was still a junior and _only seniors could have parking spaces_ (not bitter), and as we approached I saw an ancient Ford Taurus in front of the house. "Oh, shit. Rachel's home."  
  
  
Paul gave me a funny look. "I thought you liked her."  
  
  
"I do," I replied, glaring at the car, "but I forgot she drove that hunk of junk." She'd probably need new breaks, and the muffler would be shot to hell... fuck. There went my weekend.  
  
  
The front door opened as I hopped out of the car, and I barely heard, "Hey, dork!" before I was hit by a hug. Rachel looked up at me in astonishment. I didn't see her often enough to remember how much she looked like Mom, and it surprised me all over again. "Holy crapping Christ, you got _huge_. I thought you _had_ your growth spurt already!"  
  
  
"Had another one," I said weakly. Fuck. I'd have to find out whether or not Billy thought we should tell her about the whole wolf thing. It might lead to some questions about the, you know, vampire thing, and the treaty thing, and the war thing...  
  
  
"I'd say so," Rachel said, stepping back a few feet to look me up and down. "Quit eating your Wheaties, or you're going to hit your head in every doorway in the state."  
  
  
"Already do," I grumbled.  
  
  
"And _what happened to your hair?!_ "  
  
  
"I cut it." Well, technically, Sam cut it. Out in the woods while Embry pinned me in place, when I was naked after my first transformation and shaking and covered in burrs and freaking the fuck out. "It, um, seemed like the thing to do."  
  
  
" _Riiiight._ " Rachel grabbed my hand and pulled my arm out straight, staring at my biceps. "You were skinny as a bean the last time I saw you. Where are you hiding all the gym equipment?"  
  
  
"Uh... well..." I hesitated, glancing up at Billy as he rolled out onto the porch. He shook his head slightly. "It's just from all the mechanic work. Cars are heavy."  
  
  
She narrowed her eyes. "You're telling me that you're _bench pressing cars_."  
  
  
"Um..."  
  
  
Rachel glanced to the side, then wrinkled her forehead. "Who's that? And why is he staring at me?"  
  
  
I followed her gaze to where Paul was sitting behind the steering wheel, looking wide-eyed at Rachel. "That's Paul. Remember when Harry used to..." I trailed off, seeing the glassy expression in Paul's eyes, the flushed cheeks, the _reverence_ \--  
  
  
\--oh, _fuck no._ "Dude, that's my _sister!_ " I yelled at him through the window, my voice going up an octave.  
  
  
"Wow," Paul breathed.  
  
  
Rachel glanced back and forth between us. "What the fuck is going _on_ around here?"  
  
  
On the porch, I heard Billy groan.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
Rachel stayed for two weeks, and Paul hovered outside the house _every damn day_ , no matter how many times Billy slammed the door in his face, no matter how many times I threatened to dismember him if he breathed a _word_ about werewolves, vampires, or imprinting to Rachel. (There were no rules that could bind you when you found your other half, but there were no rules saying I couldn't beat the guy macking on my sister to a bloody pulp, either.) He wouldn't leave. Finally, I tentatively explained to Rachel what was happening, in very, very general terms -- namely, that Paul was really into the "love at first sight" thing, and was both incredibly stubborn and incredibly devoted. (And was also an asshole, but I left that part out. It sort of spoke for itself.)  
  
  
"This is the stupidest shit ever," Rachel grumbled. "I don't even _know_ the guy. We've met, like, _once_."  
  
  
"Well, now he'll do anything for you. He'll _be_ anything for you."  
  
  
"Yeah, but--" Rachel cut off, then gave me a sideways look. " _Anything?_ You really think so?"  
  
  
I had a sinking feeling in my stomach, but I nodded. "Yeah. Tell him to jump, and he'll ask how high."  
  
  
Rachel smiled. "Oh, well then." And she walked out of the house to where Paul was sitting on the hood of his car with roses. I watched out the window as she took the flowers, sat down next to him, took his hand, and talked quietly for about five minutes. When she was done, Paul nodded, kissed her on the cheek (she smiled her 'I'm trying not to roll my eyes' smile), got in his car, and drove away.  
  
  
"How did you do that?" I demanded when she came back inside.  
  
  
"I told him," Rachel said, pulling a pitcher out from under the sink, "that what I wanted more than anything else in the world was a _friend_ , and that I thought we would make the greatest BFFs ever. He was thrilled. We're going to go see _Pirates of the Caribbean_ tomorrow night and drool over Johnny Depp and Kiera Knightley."  
  
  
I blinked. "You're kidding. Was it really that easy?"  
  
  
"Yep. Sometimes you just have to be direct." Rachel put the roses in the pitcher, then smiled at them. "You know, in his own fucked-up persistent way... he's actually kind of sweet."  
  
  
When Leah heard about it, she congratulated Rachel on her brilliance... and then didn't speak to Emily for a month.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
I fixed Rachel's car before she left (the muffler had indeed been shot to hell) and begged her to please, for the love of God, buy something other than a Taurus. She said she'd been thinking about getting a Volvo, but backed off after my resultant tirade.  
  
  
She stood on her tiptoes to kiss me on the cheek after she put her suitcase in the trunk. "I'll call more, okay? And I'll pester Becca to do the same."  
  
  
I nodded.  
  
  
"And..." Rachel hesitated, then said, "I haven't bugged you about this, 'cause Dad told me not to, but... cheer up, okay?"  
  
  
"I'm cheerful," I said defensively.  
  
  
"Not like you were," Rachel said, looking sad. "I should've kept a better eye on you, little bro. I'm sorry about that. I'll try and do better now. But still... I don't know what's wrong, but whatever it is, I promise, it'll be all right."  
  
  
I smiled without feeling it. "If you say so. But I'm starting to think maybe it's not as easy as all that."  
  
  
Rachel shook her head, then threw her arms around my neck and pulled me down into a hug. "I hate seeing you grow up," she said mournfully. "Stop it _right now_."  
  
  
"Not possible, Rach."  
  
  
"Yeah, I guess." She sighed. "Well, if nothing else, don't grow up any _more._ I don't even know what size clothes to buy you."  
  
  
"Thirty-four waist, forty inseam," I said.  
  
  
"Holy fuck."  
  
  
"Yeah, I know. Hey, Rach? Do you remember if Mom made pancakes?"  
  
  
Rachel brought her eyebrows together in confusion, then looked off into the distance for a long moment before shaking her head. "Maybe. I'm not sure. Why?"  
  
  
I shrugged. "No reason."  
  
  
Then she got in her car and drove away, waving as she went. And I felt a little better, all things considered.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
I didn't lie awake every night. I didn't write emo poetry. I didn't listen to country songs and cry into my pillow.  
  
  
But I missed Bella.  
  
  
A lot.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
As was traditional, in October we more or less moved into Charlie's to watch the baseball postseason his flat screen. Oakland flattened Minnesota only to lose to Detroit in the Championship series (as well they ought, the smug bastards), and the Cardinals and the Mets slugged it out, finishing out with a thoroughly anti-climactic World Series wherein the Cards quietly finished off the Tigers without any flourish.  
  
  
Charlie and Billy kept talking like everything was the same, but Harry Clearwater was supposed to be sitting in the armchair and talking trash about the Yankees, so everything they said was just a little bit forced. I stuck around for the games, even though being in Bella's house hurt (I kept looking up and expecting to see her sprawled on the couch with an open European History book on her lap). It sucked, but it sucked worse for them -- Bella had _left_ , but Harry was _gone_. I did my best to fill in, but it was like Sue's version of Harry's fish fry -- close, but still not quite right. Like it was trying to be something it wasn't.  
  
  
That feeling made me sick these days.  
  
  
One evening, during the seventh inning stretch, Charlie cornered me in the kitchen while I waited for a bag of popcorn to finish popping in the microwave. "So," he said, leaning on the counter, pretending to be interested in his beer.  
  
  
"So." I was surprised it'd taken so long for him to talk to me, actually.  
  
  
"How have you been, Jake?" he asked awkwardly.  
  
  
I shrugged. "Okay." That was pretty much the truth. I was okay. Not good, not bad, but okay.  
  
  
Charlie looked at me for a long moment, and I couldn't read his expression at all. Then he sighed, shook his head, and took a long drink of his beer. "Well," he remarked finally, "could've been worse, I guess." Then he went back into the living room without another word.  
  
  
He had no idea how true that was.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
I was the first one to stop phasing. Jared followed soon after, then Embry, then everyone else. The threats were gone and we were all tired. The only ones who kept it up regularly were Quil (who wanted to remain young for Claire) and Seth (who had gone from happy-go-lucky kid to moody teenager almost overnight, and couldn't control his temper enough to keep the wolf at bay). Sam quit cold turkey the day Emily told him she was pregnant. "Nothing is worth the risk," he said. I could understand that.  
  
  
Aside from Sam and I, though, everyone made exceptions for the monthly competitions of the Werewolf Ultimate Frisbee League. They were indeed fucking _epic._  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
Christmas came. Emily threw a party, I think because the previous year had been such a mess, with half of us as wolves and the other half of us ostracized and confused as hell. It was time for a celebration, but it still felt off to me. Like something was missing. (Gee, I wonder what it could have been.)  
  
  
I was hiding out on the porch, staring out at the flurries starting to accumulate on the lawn, when I heard a "Hey." Leah sat down on the step next to me and pulled out a cigarette.  
  
  
"You should probably stop smoking those," I remarked. "Your lungs aren't going to heal quite so fast if you're not phasing."  
  
  
Leah rolled her eyes as she flicked her lighter. "Thanks, Doc." She took a deep drag, held it for a moment, then blew a stream of smoke out into the night. "It's twenty fucking degrees out here and we're both in short sleeves. I think we're still wolf enough that I don't need to worry about my lungs."  
  
  
"Suit yourself," I shrugged.  
  
  
Leah was silent for a moment, then, with an awkward movement, handed me a CD. "Here. Merry Christmas."  
  
  
I blinked in surprise. "Oh. Thanks." I turned the case over in my hands: _The Greatest Hits of Journey_. I barked out a laugh. "Thanks, Leah."  
  
  
"You're welcome."  
  
  
I looked over at her guiltily. Her face was barely lit by the tip of her cigarette. "I, uh, didn't get you anything."  
  
  
She shrugged. "I didn't think you would. You've got lots of people to get presents for. I just needed to get stuff for Mom and Seth, so I had some money left over. Saw that in the store, figured you'd like it."  
  
  
"You didn't have to--"  
  
  
"I know I didn't," she snapped. "But you're kind of my only friend at the moment, and I wanted to, so I did. Now shut up."  
  
  
I swallowed. Fuck. "I'll get you something for your birthday, then."  
  
  
"You're underage," Leah said, snorting. "You can't get me anything I want."  
  
  
"I guess."  
  
  
Behind us, the noises of the party were muffled by the windows and doors. Based on the lack of chatter, though, I figured Emily had probably gotten out her pies. Her belly was beginning to show.  
  
  
"Still waiting?" Leah asked conversationally.  
  
  
I sighed and my breath fogged the air. "Yep." I thought about the Christmas present I'd gotten for Bella, just in case she came home for the holidays. She hadn't, so I'd hidden it under a pile of boxes in the garage. "But I might stop."  
  
  
"Don't want to anymore?"  
  
  
"No, I still _want_ to," I said wearily. "I'm just wondering if I _shouldn't_."  
  
  
Leah looked at me sideways, then made a little dismissive motion with her hand. "Do what you're going to do. I told you that you ought to fuck some other chicks to clear your head. It might help."  
  
  
"Yeah." I'd been starting to think that myself. The fact that I was starting to get really, really lonely had a lot to do with it. Then I glanced at Leah. "You shouldn't wait either, you know."  
  
  
She stiffened instantly. "I'm not waiting."  
  
  
"Uh-huh."  
  
  
She turned sideways on the stoop and glared at me so furiously I was surprised I didn't burst into flames. "I. Am. Not. Waiting. You think I don't know that Emily's about to drop Sam's puppy? I _get_ it. I'm _not waiting._ "  
  
  
"Sure," I said. "Whatever you say."  
  
  
Leah narrowed her eyes, then leaned forward and kissed me.  
  
  
I remained motionless, eyes open, too stunned for words. But Leah's mouth moved against mine, and her lips were smoky but she _really_ knew what she was doing, and I found myself reaching up to touch her face, responding out of instinct. Kind of. There was nothing _wrong_ with it, but...  
  
  
After a minute, Leah pulled away. She regarded me for a long moment, then shook her head and brought her cigarette back to her lips. "That was like making out with Seth," she said disgustedly.  
  
  
"Yeah," I said, blinking. "It was."  
  
  
She whapped me on the back of the head with the flat of her palm, and we sat watching the snow in companionable silence until the party was over.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
In February Stephanie Winters asked me to the Sadie Hawkins Dance, and I said yes. We had a decent time -- she had a good sense of humor, particularly about our hopelessly inexperienced makeout session over a year ago -- and when she went down on me in her father's van I came like a rocket. For the next week whenever I jerked off I tried to imagine Stephanie's lips and tongue, but it always ended with Bella pushing her hair out of her face. I came to the conclusion that I'd better stay celibate until I could be sure I'd call out the right name.  
  
  
I didn't go out with Stephanie again, but she had a good sense of humor about that, too. She asked me if I would set her up with Embry, and Embry spent the next two months greeting me with a full-body hug every time we saw each other.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
The Rabbit was long finished, even to the extent that I kept breaking it, I didn't really want to work on the motorcycles, and I didn't have any repair jobs set up. So I harassed Billy for weeks until he loaned me five hundred dollars, which I took to the junkyard and used to buy three separate scrap-metal-worthy Chevy Cavaliers (the most generic creations in the history of automobiles). Then I towed them home and started ripping them apart. It would be a couple months of work to reassemble the pieces into one functional car, but it would be _good_ work, _interesting_ work, and if I got a decent return on it, maybe I could finally convince my father to let me pay for a fucking internet connection. (There was being technology-resistant and then there was being a stubborn old coot, and Billy was rapidly descending into the latter category.)  
  
  
It kept me busy. It kept me from focusing on how hard-up I was. But it was also _fun_.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
The April rains were thundering hard on the roof of the garage as I pulled out the second Chevy's coolant system, which is probably why I didn't hear her come in until she said, "Hi, Jake."  
  
  
My hand slipped and the needle-nosed pliers cut a greasy scrape into my palm. "Fuck!" I yanked my hand out of the engine and straightened up, wincing as my blood mixed with the oil.  
  
  
Bella dropped her bag and coat and ran to my side, pulling at my hand. "Oh, Jake, I'm sorry. Are you okay?" She watched as the slice healed literally before her eyes, then shook her head in bemusement. "All right, stupid question."  
  
  
 _Bella._  
  
  
I swept her up and into a hug before she could object, crushing her little body against mine. We still fit. "Jake!" she cried as I spun her around, and I felt her laugh against my ribs. "Jake, put me down, you're getting wet."  
  
  
I reluctantly set her back on her feet, and glanced down at my front. Her hair, soaked from the rain, had left a giant splotch against my shirt. "Worth it," I grinned. And I took her in.  
  
  
She looked... _different_. Not lots different, but a little. Her hair was a few inches longer, and even though her milky white skin hadn't tanned, it seemed a little... warmer. She'd regained the weight she'd lost and it brought back her natural softness. The circles under her eyes were gone, and there was something... it took me a second to realize that she didn't look like she was about to cry. I couldn't remember the last time I'd seen her when she didn't look like she was about to cry.  
  
  
Whatever she was doing, it was working.  
  
  
Bella waited for me to stop staring, nervously fidgeting with the edge of her shirt. Once I smiled and nodded in approval, her skin tinted with the pink flush that I knew reached all the way to her belly button. "Is this your new project?" she said, clearing her throat and looking at the Chevy. "Seems a little... pedestrian for you."  
  
  
I gave her a withering look. "I've got two others just like it. Take three jigsaw puzzles with a bunch of pieces missing, mix them up, then reassemble them and tell me it's pedestrian."  
  
  
"Sorry, sorry," Bella said, her lips quirking. "I didn't mean to insult your clearly awe-inspiring collection of decrepit Cavaliers."  
  
  
I snorted. "They won't be awe-inspiring when I'm done, either. But one of them will run, and that's what matters."  
  
  
She sat down in her usual spot on the work bench. "You know you're becoming one of those people who keep a pile of rusted hunks of junk on cinder blocks in their front yard, right? You're going to have to get a mangy dog to complete the look."  
  
  
"Bella, I _am_ the mangy dog."  
  
  
She laughed, and my heart started thundering in my chest. I still loved her... as though that was any surprise. For a moment I just _looked_ at her, until she blushed and glanced away. Okay, too much. "So," I said, clearing my throat, "how's Phoenix?"  
  
  
"It's okay," she said, shrugging. "I'm taking some literature classes. Working in the school bookstore. Hanging out at home and watching soap operas."  
  
  
"Sounds boring," I said.  
  
  
She nodded. "It is. But I really needed a little bit of boring."  
  
  
"True. Making friends?" _Do you have a boyfriend?_  
  
  
Bella smiled, and it was kind of sad. "Not really, no." When I raised my eyebrows, she added, "The people are nice, don't get me wrong. I've got study partners and stuff. We hang out. But..." she trailed off, clearly looking for the right words, then finally shrugged. "None of them have ever seen anyone decapitated, you know? It's kind of hard to relate."  
  
  
I sighed. "Yeah. I know." At least I still had the Pack around. If I'd just lived through everything and then been alone, with no one else who knew... I'd lose my fucking mind. _Normal_ was gone, and it wasn't coming back.  
  
  
After a melancholy moment, Bella shook herself and looked out the garage door at the downpour beating the grass flat. "Besides, I missed the rain."  
  
  
I blinked. "You're kidding."  
  
  
"Nope." She shook her head. "Believe it or not, it grew on me. I got such _awful_ dry skin my first month there that I almost just packed it up and came back home." I tried not to grin when she called Forks _home_. "But..." She shook her head again. "I stayed. I needed to stay."  
  
  
"So why are you here now?" I asked.  
  
  
She smiled slightly, her wistful Bella smile. "It's spring break. I spent Christmas with Renee, so I decided to come see Charlie."  
  
  
"No," I said. "I mean, _why are you here now_."  
  
  
Bella looked up at me for a long moment, her eyes still brown ( _oh please God_ ), then dropped her eyes to the floor. "I... I told Edward goodbye last night," she said, and _there_ was the Bella that was close to tears. "He deserved to hear it in person. It was... hard." Her voice choked slightly on the last word.  
  
  
My blood froze. "And," I said, somehow managing to form the words, "are you here to tell me goodbye, too?"  
  
  
She bit her lip, then shook her head no.  
  
  
The pliers fell from my nerveless hands and hit the floor with a clang.  
  
  
We both jerked at the noise, then Bella laughed, breaking the tension. "Smooth."  
  
  
"Uh-huh," I grumbled, picking the pliers back up, trying to hold back the huge grin that was threatening to erupt.  
  
  
"Jacob..." Bella said, looking up at me. She was nervous, but calm. Older, maybe. But still my Bells. "Just because I've said goodbye to Edward doesn't mean that you and I... I still need to think about that part. You know... as a separate thing. I'm going back to Phoenix tomorrow to finish out the semester. I just..." She faltered for a moment, glanced away, then met my eyes again. "I wanted to know if you were still waiting. Not that I expect you to, but... if you _are_... I was hoping you could wait just a little bit longer. Not forever. Just... a little bit longer."  
  
  
I nodded, keeping a straight face as happiness filled my whole body and made my toes tingle. It was already done, even though she didn't realize it. She was _so good_ at lying to herself. "I am. And I will."  
  
  
Her face broke out in sudden sunny smile that couldn't possibly be appreciated in Phoenix where it was _always_ sunny. "You're inhumanly patient, you know," she said.  
  
  
"Being inhuman probably has something to do with it," I pointed out. "So... can you hang out for the afternoon?"  
  
  
Bella shook her head reluctantly. "No. I'm only here for a couple days and I really need to spend them with Charlie. I think he missed my cooking."  
  
  
"He missed _you_ ," I corrected.  
  
  
She sighed. "Yeah. I missed him too, actually. I have to... try to explain things a little. Not _everything_ ," she clarified, "but... more explanation than I gave him last summer. I just kind of up and left without a lot of warning. I felt terrible about it."  
  
  
"He was okay, Bells," I said. "He missed you, but he was okay. We all were."  
  
  
Bella smiled. "I'm glad." She looked at me for a long moment, and something dusty but familiar started to uncurl in my stomach-- then she coughed awkwardly. "Anyway, I really can't stay. I have to go. I guess I could've just called, but I just... I wanted to..." She blushed red. "I'll see you soon, okay?"  
  
  
I felt like I was going to explode, except in a good way, not in a going-to-have-to-buy-new-shoes-again way. "Okay. See you soon."  
  
  
She picked up her raincoat, then smacked herself on the head. "Oh. Stupid. Here, I brought this for you." She handed me a brown paper bag. When I took it, she smirked. "Open it."  
  
  
Inside was a bottle of water and a sandwich. The sandwich had some kind of pink spread on it. "Do I want to know?" I asked, turning it over a couple of times.  
  
  
"Nope."  
  
  
I shrugged and took a bite -- and almost gagged. " _Shit!_ " I mumbled around the mouthful as my eyes started to water. " _Hot!_ "  
  
  
"I should think so," Bella said smugly. "It's mayonnaise and cayenne pepper."  
  
  
My throat burned like _fuck_ as I swallowed. " _How much_ cayenne?"  
  
  
"A couple of tablespoons."  
  
  
I nodded, steeled myself, and took another bite. _Ow ow ow ow ow..._  
  
  
Bella stared at me open-mouthed. "Oh, come _on_. I thought about that one for a _month_."  
  
  
My tongue hurt too much to speak, so I just shrugged and kept chewing.  
  
  
She rolled her eyes, took the sandwich from my hands, and replaced it with the bottle. "Here. Drink this."  
  
  
I gulped down the water in two swallows. "Does this mean you're giving up?" I said finally, trying to move my tongue in a way that didn't sting.  
  
  
Bella narrowed her eyes. "No. I just need to keep thinking, that's all. I'll win this yet, Jacob Black. Just wait."  
  
  
"I will." I grinned, then-- _oh, right!_ "Hey, I've got something for you too." I turned around and started digging through the pile of empty cardboard boxes. At the bottom was Bella's present. "Merry Christmas in April," I said, handing it to her.  
  
  
She took the box, eyes widening in surprise at its weight, and looked at how the red paper was held onto the side with most of a roll of packing tape. "You wrapped this yourself, didn't you."  
  
  
"Yes," I said defensively. When she shook her head, I crossed my arms and said, "Okay, so I can't wrap presents. I'd like to see you flush a transmission."  
  
  
"Okay, okay. Can I open it?"  
  
  
"Sure."  
  
  
Bella set down the package on the bench and eagerly tore it open. She stopped once she saw the label, and the smile dropped from her face. "You... you got me a space heater?"  
  
  
"Well... yeah." I suddenly felt awkward. It'd seemed like a good idea at the time. "I mean, you're in Phoenix so I know it's warm and stuff, but then I remembered that the desert's supposed to be really cold at night or something, so I thought you might want--" I stopped speaking abruptly when Bella stepped forward and threw her arms around my shoulders, burying her face in my neck. I rested my cheek against her head and breathed in the smell of her hair. I had missed her _so much_.  
  
  
Then she was kissing me, and oh fuck, I'd missed that too.  
  
  
Fire shot through me as my hands instinctually left her back to slide down to her ass, lifting her higher against me, and she wrapped her legs around my waist, trying to climb up my body, pressing against the growing bulge in my shorts, her fingers going to my hair. She was still soft and warm and smelled the same, and if nothing else, now I knew she would _always_ smell the same, she would never be a marble statue, and that made everything worth it.  
  
  
Her mouth opened and her tongue slid against my lips. I moaned as I responded in kind, and she suddenly jerked away like she'd been shot with an electric current. Her whole body stiffened and her legs dropped back to the ground, her hands shoving at my chest. I let go instantly. _Shit_. "Sorry, Bells, I just--"  
  
  
Bella hopped around, her fingers over her mouth. " _Fuck!_ " she swore. " _Pepper! Ow ow ow ow ow!_ "  
  
  
I burst out laughing, relief flooding through me. "It's your own damn fault, honey."  
  
  
She pulled up the front of her shirt and wiped her tongue against the collar. "Agh," she said, grimacing. "That _hurt_." Then she glared at me. "Stop laughing."  
  
  
"No," I managed, chuckling. I dodged when she tried to smack me.  
  
  
Bella rolled her eyes as she picked up her jacket. "Okay. You're a jerk and I'm going home."  
  
  
I watched the way her fingers moved over the buttons, remembering how they'd unbuttoned her ladybug pajamas. "You can't stay for a little while longer?" I said.  
  
  
She paused, and looked at me in a way that made me burn all over. Then squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head. "No." When she opened her eyes and saw my face, she gave me a sheepish smile. "I already know we do _that_ well, okay? _That's_ not in question."  
  
  
"You sure you don't need me to prove it again?" I offered. "Because I'm perfectly willing to remind you."  
  
  
She groaned, half exasperated, half something else. "That's... tempting. But no."  
  
  
I huffed in mock-annoyance. I hadn't really expected her to say yes, but hell, a guy can hope. "Okay, fine."  
  
  
Bella bit her lip, then gave me a serious look. "Two months, okay? Give me two more months. I'll be back in June. I'll tell you then."  
  
  
 _You've already decided_ , I wanted to tell her. But apparently Bella needed to do things in her own time. And two months wasn't that long, all things considered, even if my body felt otherwise. "Okay," I said. "You know where to find me."  
  
  
"Yeah," she said softly. "I know." She picked up her space heater and smiled at it. "Thanks for the present, Jake."  
  
  
"No problem," I said. "You'll understand if I don't thank you for the sandwich?"  
  
  
She giggled. "I understand. Bye, Jake."  
  
  
"Bye, Bells."  
  
  
 _Easy as breathing._  
  
  
Once I heard the truck start in the yard, I went back to work on the Chevy, whistling happily.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
"Was that Bella Swan I saw driving in the opposite direction?" Billy demanded when he got home fifteen minutes later, not even bothering to say 'hi' first.  
  
  
"Probably," I said as I lifted him out of the truck and into his chair. "I don't know any other albinos in town who own our old pickup, do you?"  
  
  
"Uh-huh." Billy gave me a long look as he settled into his chair. "How is she?"  
  
  
"She's good."  
  
  
"And how are you?"  
  
  
I just smiled.  
  
  
Billy was silent for a long moment, then shook his head. "People always said it was the teenage _daughters_ that would give me gray hairs," he muttered as he rolled into the house.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
The phone rang at one in the morning. Billy could sleep like the dead, but I stumbled out of bed, into the kitchen, and picked the receiver. "This had better be good," I growled, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.  
  
  
"Hello, Jacob. It's Edward."  
  
  
I groaned (but managed not to slam the phone down... barely). "It's the _middle of the night_ , douchebag. What the fuck do you want?"  
  
  
"I would like you to meet me at the treaty line. Now." The voice was frigid and dangerous, and my irritation disappeared beneath a wave of understanding. I was wide awake now.  
  
  
Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later.  
  
  
"I'll be there in twenty minutes."  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
I decided to take the Rabbit, just in case I wound up breaking something. (It's easier to drive with a broken hand than it is to run with a broken paw. Just one of those things.) And I decided to stick with just a pair of cut off sweats, leaving my shirt and shoes behind. If I needed to phase without warning, I'd just as soon not wreck any more clothes than necessary. (It'd been really nice not having to go shopping for new shorts every week.)  
  
  
I also left a note on the kitchen table for Billy. I was ninety percent certain that I would win this, but just in case...  
  
  
By the time I got there, Cullen was waiting, standing in the road next to his Swedish piece of shit, still as a statue in the moonlight. I put the Rabbit into park and got out, a combination of dread and anticipation swirling through my body.  
  
  
It was always going to happen.  
  
  
The smell of leech stink pulled me up short, turning my stomach. Ugh. It had been awhile. _God_ they were disgusting. I kept walking forward anyway, until Cullen and I faced each other a few feet apart. For a moment I was reminded ridiculously of the first time we'd done this, in a gymnasium full of streamers with a pretty girl in a leg cast standing between us. She and I had grown up a lot since then. _He_ was the same as ever.  
  
  
Cullen's face was unreadable as I pulled myself to my full height. I was seventeen now, same as him. I wondered if I was older or not. "Bella has been to see you?" he said, his perfect voice cold.  
  
  
"Yes," I said.  
  
  
A beat.  
  
  
Two.  
  
  
Then, out of nowhere, Cullen's shoulders slumped. His yellow eyes broke away from mine and he turned away, facing the forest, bringing one shaking hand to his mouth.  
  
  
I stared at him for a long moment, at the one hundred and nine year old monster that smelled like rancid garbage and old lady perfume who may or may not have been younger than me, and I felt... not quite sympathy, but something.... ah. There it was. Pity. I felt pity. I pitied him. I didn't need to kill him. I couldn't hurt him any more than he was already hurting.  
  
  
He loved her, like me. He'd done the best he could, like me. And he'd lost her, and now I felt sorry for him, because I knew how that felt.  
  
  
 _Weird._  
  
  
With a sigh, I turned back to the Rabbit, popped the trunk, and pulled out two cans of Miller Lite that Paul had left there after the last frisbee game. Then I walked across the treaty line, sat down on the hood of the Volvo (it creaked under my weight), and handed one of the beers to Cullen. "Here."  
  
  
He hesitated, then took it. I popped my can open and took a long drink. Beer was an acquired taste, and I'd acquired it. At least I didn't have to worry about driving; it'd take three cases in an hour to give me a buzz. (We knew, because Quil had tried. That had been an expensive evening.) "I can't drink anything except blood, Jacob," Cullen said.  
  
  
"I know. Fake it."  
  
  
"You're underage."  
  
  
"So are you."  
  
  
"There's no point."  
  
  
"Yes there is."  
  
  
"But why?"  
  
  
"Because," I said, exasperated, "that's what people _do_. So just pretend. _Please_."  
  
  
Cullen stared at me for a long moment as I stubbornly took another swig and thought a lot of irritated, pissy thoughts. Finally he leaned against the side of the car, brought the beer to his lips, and pretended to drink.  
  
  
After a minute I emptied the can and crushed it; Cullen poured his out on the road and did the same. Then he straightened back up and it was like the whole thing had never happened. "We'll be leaving within the week," he said, voice cool and contained as ever. "Please extend our good wishes to your Alpha. In the future we will do our best to steer clear of this area so as to not affect changes in your next generations."  
  
  
"Thank you," I said automatically. Not having to worry about my great-grandchildren exploding into mountains of angsty fur would be nice.  
  
  
Cullen looked at me hard for a moment, then said, "Jacob, if you ever hurt her--"  
  
  
"Whether she and I hurt each other is our business from now on," I said. And I was surprised by how gently I said it.  
  
  
His shoulders slumped again, and I got up off the hood (my weight had left a dent, seriously, what a piece of shit) and walked back over the treaty line. Cullen opened his mouth like he wanted to say something, then thought better of it. Instead, he gave me a curt nod, got into the Volvo, and drove away.  
  
  
I never saw Edward Cullen again.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
It took another three weeks, but I finished, and had a gigantic pile of scrap metal and one decently functional Chevy Cavalier to show for my effort. Rachel met me in Seattle to handle all the paperwork, being as she was over eighteen and I was not and therefore couldn't really sell a car by myself. I got four thousand dollars for it. (The guy offered thirty-five hundred, but Rachel argued him up. She was a great haggler. Probably a result of kicking my ass at Monopoly so many times when we were kids.)  
  
  
"You look better," Rachel remarked as she drove me home.  
  
  
"Yeah," I said happily, flipping through my cash. "Money will do that."  
  
  
Rachel laughed. "That's not what I mean, dork, and you know it. So what's with the change?"  
  
  
"Just... feeling good, is all. This spring's been a lot better than the last spring." No sudden transformations into a giant hairy beast. No smelly bloodsuckers tramping all over the lands. No stupid, reckless decisions brought on by miserable heartache. The only downside was that there was no Bella... but she'd be home soon.  
  
  
"Uh- _huh_ ," Rachel said knowingly. "You know you've got a dumbass grin all over your face, right?"  
  
  
I smoothed out my expression. "Do not."  
  
  
" _Riiiight_."  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
Rachel stayed for the weekend, but she spent a lot of it hanging out with Paul and watching stupid movies. Paul was... weirdly, weirdly content with his role as best friend, and had even been dating around a bit. The 'whatever she needs me to be' thing really _did_ seem to work with imprinting. Thank God for that, because if Paul had wound up as my brother-in-law I'd have killed him by the second holiday gathering.  
  
  
I paid Billy back the five hundred I owed him -- with interest -- and then another hundred to get the internet set up. Then I pointed out that this car-building thing was pretty lucrative, and if I just dropped out of school, I'd have _lots_ of time to work on it.  
  
  
"Uh-huh," Billy said. "You do that. And you tell me how squirrel stew works out for you."  
  
  
I got Leah a mini iPod and a pack of nicotine patches for her birthday. She rolled her eyes, but the next time I saw her, the iPod was covered in a fancy protective case.  
  
  
I tried to find a new bed, but I couldn't come up with anything that would fit in my room without knocking down a wall. So I'd have to figure that out later.  
  
  
Then I stashed fifteen hundred dollars into a savings account and took what I had left back to the junkyard. I came home with three broken-down Toyota Corollas and thought that this might not be such a bad way to earn a living, really.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
Emily had her baby, a little boy that everyone had to say was the most adorable creature ever to exist in the history of the universe, even though we all privately agreed that he looked like a frog. Sam was beaming constantly. I thought twenty-one was kind young to have a kid.  
  
  
Sam showed me the baby's room, decorated with _Finding Nemo_ stuff, and he was pretty annoyed when I couldn't stop snickering.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
It was June when the day came, just like she promised.  
  
  
The bonfire on the beach was fucking _huge_ , probably the biggest I'd ever seen, thanks in no small part to Quil and Embry feeding the flames with a bunch of fireworks that rattled the ground as they exploded. (The sand beneath the wood would probably be glass by the morning, but the end of school could really inspire a person to blow things up.) I sat on a log a safe distance from the flames and watched Quil throw a hubcap to a giant pack of wolves, who scrabbled around the in the sand to grab it, rolling over into the surf, fighting to carry it to the goal line, and generally having a ridiculously good time.  
  
  
Something was weird, though. I couldn't put my finger on it.  
  
  
"Hey," Leah said, sitting down next to me, covered in sweat, still tugging her shirt into place. She'd scored five goals and left a lot of bite marks on a lot of different people.  
  
  
"Hey," I said. I glanced to the side and noticed the nicotine patch on her arm. "How did you keep that on through phasing?"  
  
  
"The fur kind of grew around it," she said, scratching at the patch absently. "I can't believe I'm even using it. I look like a moron. I'm going back to smoking tomorrow, I swear."  
  
  
"Uh-huh." She'd been saying that for awhile.  
  
  
"Shut up." Leah looked at the Miller Lite in my hand and rolled her eyes. "That is disgusting. I refuse to be seen with you until you stop drinking that shit."  
  
  
"Uh-huh." She'd been saying that for awhile, too. "Nice job out there, by the way."  
  
  
"Thanks," she said, kind of almost smiling, which was about as close as she got. "The idiots never think to _jump_."  
  
  
"Guess not."  
  
  
We watched the game for a little while longer, and the _offness_ kept niggling at me. There was _something_... I narrowed my eyes. "Hey. Does Quil look different to you?"  
  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
  
I frowned. "I don't know. He just seems..." I trailed off as it suddenly all clicked. The relaxed stance, the smile, the smug air of authority... "Holy shit, he got laid."  
  
  
"You think?"  
  
  
Wow. It really _was_ like someone put a stamp on your forehead. I couldn't believe I hadn't seen it immediately. "Huh. I wonder who it was." Who the hell who would put up with getting fucked by him only to listen to him talk about a three year old for an hour?  
  
  
"I wonder," Leah said. Her voice was extremely innocent.  
  
  
 _Holy. Fucking. Shit._  
  
  
I turned my head and stared at her, my jaw dropping. "You have _got_ to be kidding."  
  
  
Leah shrugged nonchalantly. "Consider it my own personal little 'fuck you' to the Great Matchmaker in the Sky."  
  
  
"I... but... you..." My brain shorted out as I tried to process this new information. "You hate Quil!"  
  
  
"Yeah, kinda," she said. "But that doesn't seem to bother him much. And all things considered, he's not a bad lay. He's _really_ into leather."  
  
  
"Oh _God_ I didn't need to know that." This was _way the fuck_ too much to process. "So... you two are, what, together?"  
  
  
She snorted. "Of course not. Don't be an idiot. I'm just breaking him in. And hell, maybe he'll decide that he wants a _real_ girlfriend, instead of a toddler or a older woman who's using him for sex. Rachel figured out how to get around the imprint, why not him?" At the look on my face, she shrugged and leaned back against the log. "I'm trying to figure out this whole 'not waiting' thing. It's a process. What more do you want?"  
  
  
"But..." I couldn't come up with anything to say that made the least bit of sense, so I settled for, "That is _so_ fucked up."  
  
  
"What else is new?" Leah countered. While I tried to formulate a response to that, her eyes slid past mine and up the beach. Her entire expression closed. "Speaking of fucked up..."  
  
  
I looked over my shoulder.  
  
  
 _Bella._  
  
  
She was stumbling along the beach towards me, trying to keep her balance on the sand. When she saw that I'd seen her, she gave me a hesitant little wave. I waved back and tried not to grin too widely. "Leah, I've got to--"  
  
  
"--go. Yeah." She glared at Bella (who flinched), then gave me a severe look as we both stood up. "Please _attempt_ not to do something stupid, shit-for-brains. You're a real pain in the ass when you mope."  
  
  
"I'll do my best," I said. "Thanks."  
  
  
"Whatever." Leah threw one last evil look in Bella's direction, then stalked off towards the Pack, probably to leave a few extra bites in people as she scored more goals.  
  
  
I managed to wait for Bella to get me, and I tried not to let the sudden sick panic in my stomach climb into my chest. When she was here before I'd been _sure_ , but I'd also been sure before and I'd been wrong (the red highlights in her hair blazed in the firelight) and if I was wrong again, I wasn't sure I'd survive this time (she zipped her jacket up to her chin) no, I would, I'd survive, but I would rather not have to try, I just wanted--  
  
  
Bella stood in front of me, the wind off the ocean whipping strands of her hair out of her ponytail. "Hi, Jake," she said.  
  
  
"Hi, Bells."  
  
  
She took my hand in hers, and the sick feeling vanished.  
  
  
"Your dad said you were down here," Bella said, glancing over my shoulder. "He didn't say that everyone else was, too."  
  
  
"Ah," I said. "Well, school just let out, so... yeah." I rubbed my thumb over the back of her hand.  
  
  
Her nose wrinkled. "Are they... playing frisbee? With a _hubcap_?"  
  
  
"It was Quil and Embry's idea."  
  
  
"Oh," she said, as though that made perfect sense. Which, well, it kind of did. She waved awkwardly to Emily and Kim, who were fussing over the baby by the fire, then said quietly to me, "I, um, was expecting you to be alone. I kind of had this whole big speech planned."  
  
  
"Did you." I fought back a grin.  
  
  
"Yeah," she whispered. "Maybe we can go someplace else?"  
  
  
"I'd rather not wait anymore," I whispered back. "I'm done waiting."  
  
  
"Oh." She bit her lip. "I'm not sure I can do it in front of all these people."  
  
  
"Maybe you could just give me the short version," I suggested.  
  
  
The corner of her mouth quirked. "Are you sure? I'll have to cut out a lot of the grovelling."  
  
  
"That's all right. I'll just add it in my mind."  
  
  
"Okay then." Bella frowned thoughtfully for a few moments, then nodded to herself and looked up at me. The firelight flickered shadows across her face. "I'm dense," she said flatly. "I have the self-awareness of plankton. But I'm here and I love you and I'm yours, if you still want me."  
  
  
 _God._  
  
  
I closed my eyes and breathed. In. Out. In. Out. The flames warmed the right side of my body and the ocean breeze cooled the left.  
  
  
"Jake?"  
  
  
"Just savoring the moment, Bells," I said, smiling.  
  
  
"Oh." When I opened my eyes, Bella was twisting the hem of her shirt nervously. "So... um... _do_ you? Still want me?"  
  
  
I leaned down to her ear and murmured, "Didn't I say I always would?"  
  
  
She turned her head and captured my lips with hers. She was _so warm_. It started soft, testing the waters, seeing if this still worked (it did, oh my _God_ it did) and then she threw her arms around my neck with a whimper and I was kissing her with everything I had, lifting her against me, a little bit worried that we'd fall into the bonfire and not sure I'd notice if we did. The feeling of her body pressed to mine only lasted for a few irritatingly short seconds, though, before I heard someone catcalling. I broke away from Bella to turn and glare at Quil, who gave me a huge, cheeky thumbs up. "Nice one!" he yelled.  
  
  
"Go put on some leather!" I hollered back. Quil very satisfactorily shut his mouth.  
  
  
Bella was blushing bright pink in the firelight, but she was also smiling. "Let's go," she suggested quietly, and the tone of her voice sent electricity through my entire body. "We'll do this somewhere a little less, uh, wolf-infested."  
  
  
"You read my mind, honey," I smirked. "Come on."  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
Thank God Bella had only left her truck by the side of the road, because if we'd had to travel much farther than a couple thousand feet I was going to take her against a tree and that wouldn't have been a very romantic start to things. (Though the way she was yanking at my hand, I was pretty sure that _romance_ wasn't the first thing on her mind.)  
  
  
Her hands shook when she unlocked the driver's side door, and when she got in I just followed her rather than take the extra few seconds to go around to the other side. Those were way, way too many extra seconds. This was not the time for slow. We'd go slow later.  
  
  
We'd have all the time we wanted to go slow later.  
  
  
At least Bella seemed to be thinking the same thing, because the second I slid into the cab and closed the door, she was in my lap, one knee on either side of my hips, forcing her fingers into my hair and devouring my mouth with hers. Apparently I wasn't the only one who had missed this. I smirked against her lips, even as I ran my hands up and down her back. She needed to be wearing less clothes. Fabric wasn't cutting it here.  
  
  
"Your hair is longer," she murmured against my mouth. "I like it, but doesn't it cause problems?"  
  
  
I shook my head as I pushed her away just far enough to pull down the zipper of her jacket. "I can do whatever the hell I want with my hair. I don't phase anymore."  
  
  
Bella's eyebrows went up. "You don't?"  
  
  
"Nope." The jacket came apart. Underneath she was only wearing a tank top, and it was easy enough to dive my hands under it, and -- ah, _there_ she was.  
  
  
"I guess we have a lot to talk about," she said, her thighs squeezing hard around my waist.  
  
  
"Mm-hmm." I helped her shrug out of her jacket, then found her pulse with my tongue. Her skin was salty and I was pretty sure she'd changed soaps. "Lots to talk about. Can we talk after?"  
  
  
Her laughter vibrated against my lips. "But-- don't you think we should, I don't know, say _something_ instead of just acting like horny teenagers making out in a car?"  
  
  
"Bella," I said, rolling my eyes, "we _are_ horny teenagers making out in a car." Then, with a sigh, I pulled away and leaned back against seat, and put my hands behind my head with a great show of patience. "But, if you _really_ want, we can stop what we're doing and have a very deep and meaningful discussion instead."  
  
  
Bella sat back and stared at me for a long moment. Then she shook her head. "Nah. You're right. We'll do that after." She pulled her tank top off with one quick movement, and she wasn't wearing a bra underneath. Her skin was milky in the moonlight, not marble-white. With a groan I leaned forward and started nipping at her breasts, then groaned again when she tightened her fingers in my hair. "You're really good at that," she said breathlessly.  
  
  
An alarming thought forced its way through the fog in my brain. "I... is there much to compare me to?" I tried to keep my voice light.  
  
  
There was a long beat, then her ribcage moved under my hands as she exhaled. "Not really," she admitted. "I mean, there's been some... stuff... but... you're still the only one, Jake." I nodded, hoping my relief wasn't too obvious. If another man had made love to her I would have hunted him down and gutted him like a fish. (Yes, it would have been unfair, chauvinist, and not a little bit hypocritical, given my experience with Stephanie Winters. I would've done it anyway.)  
  
  
"How about you?" Bella asked, carefully neutral.  
  
  
I shook my head slowly, dropping soft kisses across every inch of skin I could reach. "No. There's been... stuff... but, yeah, no. Still just you."  
  
  
Bella slid her hand down my chest into my lap, and gripped me hard through my shorts. She smiled devilishly when I gasped. "Good," she said. "I guess I won't have to borrow Charlie's shotgun and shoot Leah Clearwater, then."  
  
  
My eyes widened in shock, even as I tried to keep focus. Her hand was moving possessively and all the blood was rapidly deserting my brain. "Leah and I... we never..." I tried to keep breathing. "What made you think that?"  
  
  
"Your dad might've insinuated something," Bella said casually. "I was all ready with my big speech, but you weren't at home, and he said that he was pretty sure you were at the beach but if you weren't I should try calling Leah because _she_ would know."  
  
  
I frowned. "Are you serious?" The old man was _dead_.  
  
  
She shrugged. "I think he only said it to needle me. I guess he thought I deserved it." Then she leaned forward and brushed her lips across my earlobe. "He's right. I did. I _do_. Can you forgive me?"  
  
  
"I never blamed you in the first place, Bells," I said, squeezing my eyes shut. _Here I go again on my o-o-own..._  
  
  
Her sigh was warm against my neck, and her strokes slowed. "Yeah. I know you didn't. But you _should_ have."  
  
  
Okay, no. I'd had enough angst for a lifetime. "We can figure out who's more at fault later, Bella," I said firmly. "Take off your pants."  
  
  
Bella stilled, then pulled away miserably. "Jacob," she said, her voice low and sad, "do you really think it's as easy as all that?"  
  
  
 _Oh shit._ "Right now," I said, my heart sinking, "yes. I do."  
  
  
There was a long moment... then Bella's face split into a huge grin. "Yeah, me too."  
  
  
I groaned as she hopped off my lap and started wriggling out of her jeans. "Fuck, Bells, you scared the shit out of me."  
  
  
"Sorry," she said, and she didn't sound sorry at all. "I spent the whole evening wondering if you and Leah have been mating like rabbits for the last year. Give me at least _one_ moment of revenge."  
  
  
"Uh- _huh_ ," I said sarcastically as I pushed my shorts away. "Do you _really_ want to start the revenge game here, honey? I have all _kinds_ of things to get you back for. Like _an entire sandwich of cayenne pepper._ I didn't taste anything for a _week_."  
  
  
"Then you shouldn't have eaten it," Bella said, climbing back onto me, completely naked. "You should have just conceded defeat."  
  
  
My hips bucked up against her soft thigh. Holy _fuck_ she was warm, and the smell of her body was filling up the heated cab. "Bella, honey," I murmured, licking along her collarbone and stroking her back, "I _never_ concede defeat."  
  
  
She leaned into against my hands and made a noise in her throat. "I know. I like that about you." Then she moaned loudly when I slipped my fingers down between us to stroke her. She was _soaking wet,_ and when my hips bucked again I jammed my knee into the steering wheel by accident. I was going to have to get her off first, because once I was inside her there was _no way_ I'd be able to hold out long enough to--  
  
  
\--wait.  
  
  
" _Shit!_ " I swore, jerking my hands away.  
  
  
Bella jumped and bumped her head on the roof of the cab. "Ow! What?"  
  
  
" _Fuck! Goddamn it!"_  
  
  
"What?" she repeated, scrambling off my legs, eyes wide. "What's wrong?"  
  
  
"I don't have any condoms," I said, staring at her in horror. I had a couple hidden in my nightstand at home, because you never fucking know, but that didn't do me any good _now_. And I couldn't go back for them, Billy would still be awake and that would be too weird for words. "Okay," I said, reaching for my shorts. "Let me think." The only other option was the drugstore in Forks. The goddamn truck couldn't go over sixty. Obviously I was going to have to phase, just this once, because sixty miles an hour was _not fucking fast enough_. Fuck, I couldn't _believe_ this. "Okay, Bells, honey, look, stay here--" I looked over at her, and she was reclined against the seat with her head resting on the passenger's side door and her face was sweaty and her knees were parted and did I mention that she was _completely naked_ and _oh my God this wasn't fair_ "--stay _right here_ ," I repeated desperately, "don't move an _inch_ , just stay here like that, I swear, I promise, I'll be back before you know it--"  
  
  
Bella was laughing at me. Her whole body was shaking.  
  
  
I frowned. "This is _not_ funny." I was about to risk serious physical damage by trying to sprint several miles with the worst case of blue balls in the history of the world. There was _nothing_ funny about this.  
  
  
Then Bella's arms were around my neck, pulling me down. "I'm on the pill now, Jake," she said, still giggling. "Relax."  
  
  
"You're..." Oh. _Oh._ I exhaled shakily and covered her face in kisses. Oh thank _God_. "You are so smart." I was getting a little light-headed with the smell of her skin and the lack of oxygen in the cab. "You are so, so, _so_ smart, honey."  
  
  
"I'm going to remember that you said that," Bella warned me, one sweaty leg sliding over my side. I almost fell off the seat.  
  
  
"You do that," I said, distracted by trying to figure out how the hell this was going to work. "Why don't we get in the flatbed? I think that'll be easier."  
  
  
"Outside?" she said, skeptical. "Are you kidding? We'll get eaten _alive_ by mosquitoes."  
  
  
"I'll spend all day tomorrow rubbing calamine lotion on you," I promised. "But I'm too tall to do this in here." If I tried -- and I was seriously close to trying, consequences be damned, her fingernails were scraping along my shoulder and I was getting desperate -- there was a decent chance that I'd accidentally kick the door off the truck in the process. Stupid long legs.  
  
  
"Huh." Bella looked over my shoulder, frowning thoughtfully, then nodded. "Okay. I have an idea. Sit up." Sitting up involved pulling away from her very soft, very moist, very naked body. I managed it, but just barely. "Right," she whispered. "How about this?" She maneuvered herself until she was sitting on my lap, her back against my chest, wrapped her hand around me, and very slowly _slid herself down_ \--  
  
  
My head fell back and slammed into the rearview window with a crack. Bella laughed, and I felt the vibrations through her body and mine. "Don't hurt my truck, okay? I kind of like it."  
  
  
"Uh-huh," I said automatically, not paying the slightest bit of attention to anything except the _slick tight heat_ and Bella's skin. How the _fuck_ had I gone a year without this feeling? Then she moved, putting her palms flat on my thighs and lifting herself up, then lowering herself back down, just a wet inch or two at a time, and _like a drifter I was born to walk al-o-o-one_... At this point I was never going to hear Whitesnake again without getting a hard on.  
  
  
Bella made little gasps as she moved, and _fuck_ I wanted them to be louder. So I put my arms around her and moved my hands to play with her breasts while I kissed lines along her back. She inhaled sharply, and the sudden _tightening_ in her body almost did me in. _Oh shit--_ "Stop," I hissed, squeezing my eyes shut and hiding my face against her shoulder blade. "Stop. Don't move." _And I've made up my mi-ind, I ain't wastin' no more ti-ime..._  
  
  
She stilled obligingly, though she made an unhappy noise in her throat. I just kept my face hidden and tried to think very unsexy eighties-music thoughts.  
  
  
After a moment, I felt her pull my right hand away from her chest and steer it gently to between her thighs. My breath stopped as I felt her softness under my fingers, felt where I was entering her. _Holy motherfucking shit--_ "You haven't forgotten what to do, have you?" Bella whispered, leaning back against my chest and turning her face to my throat. Her lips curved into a smile against my skin.  
  
  
 _Forgotten what to do_. Hmph. I took a deep, shuddering breath, pulled on every ounce of self-control I had (and it wasn't inconsiderable, given how much effort it required to never phase) and started to move my fingers in tight little circles over the spot that made her shudder. "No," I said into her ear, "I'm pretty sure I remember how this goes." My left hand tweaked her nipple firmly. "Here, I'll show you." And I started to rock my hips under hers, sliding in and out with wet little noises, running my fingers over every nerve ending I could find, listening to the different sounds she made.  
  
  
It was when I stopped circling and started rubbing hard that the sounds came together to form my name. " _Jacob_ \--"  
  
  
 _Fuck_. The hand at her breast moved to grab her shoulder, my arm crossing her body like a seat belt, and I slammed her down onto me forcefully. Her breath flew out in a gasp. And then I was thrusting as hard and fast as I could, and I sure as hell hoped I'd made my point about remembering what I was doing because all my finesse was gone now, but Bella kept moaning my name and her fingernails dug into my thighs and it was _so much it was all so much_ and waves of dizziness washed over me as I came, holding her tight against me and keeping as deep _inside_ as I could, her body sliding messily against mine until the movements slowed, everything wet.  
  
  
"I love you," Bella said softly, her chest moving as she fought for breath.  
  
  
I swallowed.  
  
  
She pushed her hair over one shoulder as she turned to grin at me. "And you're--" The smile fell from her face abruptly, and then she was twisted around in my arms and pulling me closer. "Jake," she whispered, pressing kisses over my cheeks, my nose, my eyes. "Oh, Jake..."  
  
  
"Why did you go?" I heard someone ask.  
  
  
Cool fingers threading through my hair. "Because I needed to figure it all out, and you couldn't do it for me."  
  
  
"I _wanted_ to."  
  
  
"I know you did." Fingernails scraping lightly against my scalp, over and over and over.  
  
  
" _Bella..._ "  
  
  
"I'm sorry," she said. "I'm sorry it took me so long. I'm sorry I didn't realize sooner that I wasn't really sure what I wanted. I'm sorry I hurt you so much by not knowing."  
  
  
I shook my head.  
  
  
"And," she added, "I'm sorry about the cayenne."  
  
  
Sudden, snorting laughter came out of my throat. "Well," I said, and for some reason my voice was ragged, "you _should_ be sorry about that one."  
  
  
"If it makes you feel any better, my tongue hurt too."  
  
  
"Oh, poor tongue," I said sympathetically, leaning in for a nice, soothing, open-mouthed kiss. "It _doesn't_ make me feel better, though. You only got second-hand burns."  
  
  
"I suppose that's true," Bella sighed. "I'll come up with something less transmittable next time."  
  
  
I smiled, starting to feel better. The post-orgasmic high was kicking in and making me feel all fuzzy. "So, don't get me wrong, this was great, but it's _really_ cramped in here." I kicked my knee against the steering wheel to make the point. "How about I install a cover on your flatbed and put in an air mattress? There'll be _lots_ more room that way, and no bugs."  
  
  
Bella gave me a horrified look. "You want to turn my truck into a _party van?_ "  
  
  
"It's that or having sex at your Dad's," I countered. "The bed at _my_ house is even smaller than this."  
  
  
"I'll think about it." She burrowed into my neck and sighed. Her cheek was sticky against my shoulder. "How long do we have until this isn't felony rape?"  
  
  
June to January-- "About seven months."  
  
  
She hummed thoughtfully, her ribs vibrating under my hands. "Okay. As a birthday present I'll take you to the courthouse and make an honest man out of you."  
  
  
I raised an eyebrow. "I think still being in school might make that a little weird, Bells."  
  
  
"I suppose so, yeah," she said with a shrug. "Graduation present, then? Think of how happy our dads will be that they won't have to wear tuxes."  
  
  
"Mm-hmm," I said. "Very happy. And just how will we live?"  
  
  
"We'll move into your garage," she said very seriously. "I'll put up curtains."  
  
  
"It'll be hard to cook."  
  
  
"I'll get a cast iron pan and heat it on the Rabbit's engine."  
  
  
"You'll get cold in the winter."  
  
  
"I have a space heater now."  
  
  
"There's not room for kids," I pointed out tentatively, curious about how she'd react. _Three. Definitely three._  
  
  
She made a contented noise as she snuggled in closer. "You'll have to make hammocks for them to sleep in."  
  
  
"I can probably handle that." I hid a smile in her hair. "Has anyone ever told you that you're extremely silly after you've had sex?"  
  
  
"Nope," she said. "Just you."  
  
  
"Well, you are. I think it breaks your brain." I held her tighter. "It's a good look for you, though. So I think we should make love, like, every six hours or so. You know, forever."  
  
  
"That sounds good."  
  
  
"All right then. Let's just focus on that for now and worry about hammocks later, okay?"  
  
  
"Mmm..."  
  
  
I glanced down at Bella's face and sighed. "Sex also makes you sleepy," I complained.  
  
  
"Does not."  
  
  
"Does so. I'm going to start carrying around chocolate-covered coffee beans for afterward."  
  
  
"Mmkay."  
  
  
I waited for the too-good-to-be-true feeling to slam into me and make me hurt, but it didn't happen. Maybe it was that the truck was so humid, or that my back itched where I was sticking sweatily to the seat, or that Bella was starting to drool on my neck. "I want to spend the rest of my life loving you," I whispered to her. "I hope that's okay."  
  
  
"Sure," she murmured. "That's fine."  
  
  
I listened to her heart beating until we both fell asleep.  
  
  
  


_the end.  
_


End file.
